Ridiculously Awesome
by mutive
Summary: Duncan made a mistake when he recruited a psychopath mage. It might have been OK if someone other than Alistair had survived Ostagar, but since no one did, Neria is able to use her freedom to turn the kingdom into something ridiculously chaotic.
1. Ostagar, Or How to Fail

**Ostagar, or How to Fail Even When the Odds are In Your Favor**

_Author's Note: I want to start this by stating that this is a mostly cannon piece. Yes, I added a bit of dialogue when appropriate, and definitely added a lot of original work in the form of Neria's thoughts. But I tried to not stray too far from what you can do in Dragon Age Origins provided that you're "absolutely insane" as Alistair would say. To be honest, that gives me crazy enough outcomes that I have more than enough fodder for comedy, particularly when seen through the lens of Neria._

Dear Diary,

I am writing you for the ages. OK, so that sounds dramatic, but perhaps not so specific. So to be a bit more detailed, I am writing you as it is quite obvious to me that I will eventually be the greatest mage ever and that, for this reason, I will have biographers. As I will need to remember the exact details of my life to give to my biographers, I've decided that I might as well write them down now so that I don't forget something really important in my dotage. Not that I'll have a dotage, being ridiculously awesome and all. But I might forget some small detail. Like the name of some unimportant lover or what I was wearing when I did something especially magnificent.

So what am I going to do that makes me the greatest mage ever, you might ask. Well, initially I'd figured that I'd be the youngest and greatest First Enchanter ever. But then that bastard Irving totally betrayed me (I hate you now, Irving. Even more than Jowan.), and made Duncan invoke the Right of Conscription. I'll admit that I had my doubts at first about this whole "Grey Warden" thing. Leave the tower to become part of an order of obsolete warriors? Yeah, not so much. But then I realized something. Grey Wardens get to_ defeat arch-demons_. So I've decided to set my sights higher. No longer will I be content to _merely_ be the greatest mage ever. Oh, no, I'm going to become the _greatest Grey Warden ever _ in addition to being the greatest mage ever. You might ask how. Well, I intend to kill an arch-demon. And unlike all those idiots before me, I intend to survive the process.

You might think that it is arrogant for me to say "I'm going to kill an arch-demon and live unlike everyone else". But it's not. You see, all the former Grey Wardens who killed arch-demons were something inferior to me. That is to say that they were not mages. So I'm sure that they died due to some triviality that even the greatest of warriors can't avoid. Like getting out of the way of a humongous falling corpse after you've killed it. Meanwhile, as a totally awesome mage, I can kill at a distance, and therefore completely eliminate the whole "arch-demon crushing my body into smithereens" problem. Then once I've killed the arch-demon, I can retire to the Circle and become the Greatest First Enchanter Ever. Two birds with one stone. Why did I hate Irving again? Eh, it'll come to me.

Oh, yes, because of the trip over. It has been hideously boring.

Seriously. I had such high hopes. When you think _impossibly hot elven mage_ and _aging warrior from a mostly male order _who are _traveling together completely alone_ what do you think? If the word is "celibacy", apparently you have the situation better figured out than I did.

I just don't get it. Not that Duncan is my type, per se. He's a bit old and a bit short for me. But, you know, the whole fantasy of "two travelers on the road, facing danger together, cuddling together in a single bed roll to keep warm before doing wild and crazy things all night long" really appeals to me. Sadly, this wasn't to be.

Don't imagine that I didn't try. I did what I reasonably could. I fluttered my eyelashes at him. Whined about how cold it was. Bathed every afternoon in a stream (where he would often catch me, then walk in the other direction. Hello! Hot elven mage! Bathing! Response to situation should be obvious!) In one case, I even faked hypothermia, hoping for the old "body heat is the best way to warm another body" cure. (Is it only mages who use this? Well, I suppose that we have experience with hypothermia, considering the regular dives into Lake Calenhad to escape the Circle...) And yet, all I got was a warning to stay closer to the fire. And to avoid particularly cold streams.

It's just pathetic. And now I have officially been celibate for over a month. Which is far too long.

Luckily, we arrive in Ostagar tomorrow. Where we meet other members of my mostly male fraternal order. And an entire camp of soldiers.

My odds look good!

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, good odds are apparently not so good. I haven't seen a woman yet, other than Wynne, who's definitely past her prime and hasn't really been any fun since she popped out that kid. And yet...nothing. What gives?

I started off the day with hope. Duncan introduced me to the King, who's a hot piece of work if I ever saw one. Long yellow hair, rippling with muscles...now I wouldn't mind being invited back to _his_ tent. And yet, all he did was pat me on the back and tell me how happy he'd be to fight beside me. What is wrong with these people?

His adviser really wasn't much better. When he told me that I was "very pretty for a Grey Warden" I was totally expecting the next words out of his mouth to be "so do you want to join me in my tent to discuss strategy". But, no! Instead I got this whole "you go girl" speech about how female Grey Wardens are every bit as awesome as their male counterparts. While I beg to differ (I am far _more_ awesome than my male counterparts, thank you very much), I guess the tone was kind, even if the words should have been something that led to my willowy body being bent over a desk. What's wrong with everyone?

I poked around the camp, figuring that surely someone would have some kind of use for a gorgeous elven mage. But, apparently not. Most soldiers were too busy to even talk to me. I did find the kennel master who asked me to "muzzle his dog". I agreed, assuming it was a euphemism for something a bit more interesting. Apparently not so much. So I got stuck wrestling a real, live dog to the ground and putting a muzzle on it.

Camp life sucks.

Eventually I gravitated over to the king's tent. Surely, even if he didn't proposition me in camp, he had to understand that a hot elven mage was something that any king in his right mind would like to have a few indiscretions with.

Sadly, I couldn't even get ahold of him. His guard was willing to give away that there was some sort of battle between the king, his wife, and/or the king's adviser (who's apparently also the king's wife's father and the foster father of the king. So...does this mean that the king and queen were raised as brother and sister? Not sure if I should be disturbed or think "kinky" and ask to join in.), but he refused to let me have an audience with the king. Even when I noted that I had something private to discuss with him. Actually, mentioning that only made the guard less eager to let me into the king's tent. Stupid guards.

The adviser's guard was a bit less bossy. He actually let me meet with the man.

OK, so not my usual. He's definitely older than I'd like, but, eh, he's tall and in good shape. And after a month's worth of wishing that _Duncan_ would pay attention to me, who am I to judge?

Sadly, the conversation didn't quite go the way I'd like.

I tried again and again to steer him towards the obvious "don't you want to show me what a good time at Ostagar is like" just to be met with quizzical looks and the adviser explaining his concerns about the King's plans. Even asking to "discuss strategy in private" with him was just met with an invitation to the king's council later that evening.

I really hate it here.

Eventually, I realized that nothing was going to happen and figured that I'd find the other Grey Warden that Duncan wanted me to find. It didn't take long. Apparently Alistair isn't very good at hiding.

What can I say? Upon first glance, it was perfect. Short, red-gold hair. Toned, tanned muscles. A boyish grin. Oh, I thought to myself. I'm going to enjoy this. My mind pictured long battles fighting by his side, him protecting me from all the nasty creatures that might hurt my delicate flesh, me causing monsters to explode in bursts of gore, just to be followed by me delicately patching him up in a warm bath and in return...

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there...

Anyhow, my first vision of Alistair made me think, OK, fine, so neither the king nor his adviser nor the elderly head of my order have any interest in me. But who cares? I have a hot, young, Grey Warden to fraternize with.

This is until I learned that he was a templar.

Just figures that I'm finally given someone to "introduce me to the order" and he's a mage hating celibate.

My life is as good as over.

I hate Ostagar.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, the battle of Ostagar only went well if you were darkspawn. They seem to be smarter than us, which makes me think that we are rather stupid. I'm blaming much of this on the king. His adviser came up with about a dozen contingency plans in the advisory council, but did the king listen? No!

Note to self: in biography, remove any hint of lust for king, replace it entirely with lust for adviser. This will make me seem like the kind of woman who goes for men who aren't complete and total idiots just because they are pretty.

As for my part, I remember racing up a tower far too late to do any good, killing an ogre, then passing out.

Next thing I knew, I woke up naked in a bed. So far, quite promising. But who took off my clothes? Did they do something to me while I was unconscious? And if they did, will they do it again now that I can appreciate it?

I walked outdoors, to find Alistair staring at the marshes, and two marsh witches that I'd met earlier on some stupid quest waiting to greet me. Since it obviously wasn't Alistair who'd so delightfully taken advantage of me, it must have been one of the witches...

I wonder which one had undressed me. I am very much hoping for the dark haired one. Morrigan, I think. Hmmm...would it be worth putting on clothing again just to see if I could get her to take them off me a second time?

Anyhow, everyone seemed glad that I was up, and seemed to think that I needed to do something important. Take Morrigan and Alistair with me and gather an army of some sort. I'm none too clear on the details, seeing as I spent the time the elderly witch was explaining the situation to me undressing Morrigan with my mind rather than listening, but whatever. I'm not really the military type, but I do like being in charge, so why not?

Although I can't say that I'm a huge fan of taking Alistair along. OK, so Morrigan is hot, and maybe I can get her to take off my clothing while I'm awake in the very near future. But I have absolutely no hope of doing anything fun with a monk. Templars are no fun. No matter how many times you ask "oh, Mister Templar, where **do** you intend to put that impressive looking sword", you never get the desired response. Prigs.

Still, I'm stuck with him.

This is so not my day.

Neria


	2. Interlude: Cailan's Crush

Interlude: Cailan's Crush

_Author's Note: Not sure whether to continue these interludes or not. On the pro side: They break up the endless narcissism of Neria slightly and allow me to play with other perspectives. On the con side: More work, and some are bound to not be very funny as it's hard for me to write all of the characters well. If you're reading and enjoying (or hating), let me know!_

Honorary Warden's Log,

Wow, so I just met the new Grey Warden. And it's a girl! And an elf! And she's wearing a dress!

I wonder if she'll play Grey Wardens and Ogres with me.

It's my favorite. But Anora's refused to play it ever since we destroyed the wine cellar and she was grounded for a month.

So it's been three years since I've been able to play my favorite game. I just hope that the new Grey Warden is nicer than my cranky old wife.

Although Anora does play other games with me. Just behind closed doors. And they don't involve swords. Well, at least not the kind that are metal and pointy.

I wonder if the Grey Warden would play the other Anora games with me, too?

Uh, oh, I'd better hide this note. I can tell that Loghain's watching me. And he gives me that nasty glare whenever I play with any woman other than Anora. I don't know why. When I was a kid, he always told me to play nice with others and share. I don't see why it upsets him so much now when I do just that.

Loghain is kind of a jerk.

Still, if I walk just a bit closer to the new Grey Warden, I bet that Loghain won't notice.

No, wait, he's talking to her? What? He doesn't even like Grey Wardens. He's said that they're all treacherous snakes from Orlais. How dare he try to steal my Grey Warden? I saw her first, not him!

I bet that he secretly wants to play Grey Wardens and Ogres with her because Anora won't play with him, either.

Oh well. I bet that the new Warden will like me best after I've led the army to victory and killed the arch-demon. Then everyone will like me best. Even Anora will stop sighing and claiming that she'd rather be with a man more like her father.

The most handsome and wonderful king in the whole wide world,

Cailan


	3. Lothering We're Wanted in a Bad Way

**Lothering – Where We Learn We're Wanted in a Bad Way**

_Author's Note: If you're the sort who thinks that Loghain deserved not just death, but a nasty dismemberment, you may not be happy with the way this story goes. Just remember that Neria's tentative grasp of morality is such to make most bad guys cuddly in comparison._

Dear Diary,

So, Teryn Loghain wants me. Not quite in the way I was hoping for, but it's a start.

I have the worst taste in men imaginable. Let's go through the list so far.

Anders – Has creepy templar fetish

Many Mage Apprentices – Died in Harrowings. But probably to desire demons who looked like me, so it's it's actually sort of a win.

Jowan – Actually a blood mage. Even worse, thinks that fat cow is hot.

Duncan – Too stupid to take advantage of a situation.

Cailan – Complete and total moron.

Alistair – Mage hating celibate

Loghain – Wants me dead

Long list of past loves not so reassuring. To make myself feel better, I am just going to think "hot elven mage" again and again in my mind. This is the only way in which I will not go completely mad. That and I will reassure myself over the fact that my next dalliance will go far better. For this time I have not made the mistake of going after a man.

So far, on our walk from the Kocari Wilds to Lothering, I have learned a great deal about Morrigan. For instance, the fact that she can talk for a very long time if I keep asking her questions. And that she doesn't seem to notice when I'm not listening and instead imagining exactly how her breasts would feel in my hands. I have also come to understand that she hates men. I can almost taste her lips on mine. I'm that close.

Alistair, of course, has been moping. But this is hardly my fault.

The news that Loghain has placed a bounty on our heads really seemed to set him off. He claims that Loghain has stolen the throne, killed the rightful king (and more importantly Duncan. What does Alistair see in him? Hmmm...maybe _they_ were lovers. That might explain Duncan's lack of interest...), and is all together a horrible person.

Now maybe I'm giving the man too much credit as so far he's the only person I've met since I left the Tower to compliment me, but it seems unlikely that Loghain actually wanted to kill Cailan. I mean, begging someone not to fight in the front lines and to have a few back up plans in place doesn't seem like what you'd do to them if you wanted them to die in battle. If that was what Loghain was after, I would have imagined that he'd have told Cailan that "real men fight naked".

Now that would be a sight...

Of course, I don't understand why he wants _me_ dead. OK, Alistair, maybe, as he's really annoying. But why me? What have I ever done wrong?

Hmmm...well, I suppose there is the peculiar fact that me and Alistair are the only two to have escaped from Ostagar. And that we didn't light the beacon until two hours after we were given the signal, resulting in the death of half the army (and the king, and Duncan). And I suppose that we're from an order of warriors that are mostly from that foreign place that we were just at war with that seemed intent on convincing the king to behave like an idiot.

So, yeah, I guess it makes sense. If you didn't know about the tower being filled with darkspawn and our deus ex machina rescue by an abomination of legend, the logical explanation is that we ran off rather than do a really easy job. And that our desertion led to the deaths of thousands.

Not so good. I wonder if I could explain it. I can just imagine myself, kneeling before Loghain, a sad expression on my face, as I explain exactly what happened and how I apologize for my failure, but could he pretty please forgive me? There are so many delightful uses for a gorgeous elven mage...

OK, getting a bit ahead of myself there.

Still, I had no desire to screw over Ferelden. I prefer those I screw to be a bit less abstract in nature.

Sadly, as Alistair has pointed out to me, we can't just walk up to the royal palace and explain the whole situation (or in Alistair's rather silly concept of what is going to happen, kill Loghain).

Still, we'll see what I can do. The day is young. Surely there is some way to make this work out without getting myself killed or turned into a footnote regarding "the very nasty mage who unsuccessfully tried to destroy the kingdom".

All the same, my plans to be the most awesome Grey Warden and Mage ever are not off to the best start.

Well, no one said that there wouldn't be set backs. It'll make for some drama when the minstrels tell my tale. Right? Right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, we stopped by the inn for a drink and found that Loghain's men were waiting there for us.

"Awesome, could you bring us to him?" I asked, already imagining the situation. Oh, yes, I'd be hauled before him, probably in manacles. He might have to torture me so that he could trust that my improbable story was true. Run a leather riding crop over my exposed skin. Wrench my head up, snarl down at me, demand how he could trust a single word he heard from my lying little lips...

I think I need to learn to control my imagination.

Anyway, they refused and told me that they were just going to kill me, but they forgot that they were dealing with a mage. A few minutes later and they were just piles of goo on the carpet. Pity. One of them was rather cute.

Anyhow, some random nun who was hanging out at the bar then offered to join us because of some dumb vision she'd had. I told her no way in hell. I already have enough religion in this party thanks to the templar that I can't ditch. I am not taking along a nun as well. Particularly not one who is insane. I told her so, and she ran off.

Good riddance.

We started to leave the town just to find a giant trapped in a cage. For once in their lives, both Morrigan and Alistair agreed on something. So I decided to free him. Mostly as I know that they'll never agree about anything again.

Plus, the giant is rather handsome in a manly way. And you know what they say about big hands, big feet, big...And I'm sure that he'll want to reward me for my compassion in some way, won't he?

OK, so we're _definitely_ freeing the giant. No questions asked.

The mother superior had the key, but even after I invoke the right of conscription, she wouldn't give it to me. So I threatened to turn her into a toad. Strange how that usually gets the desired response. Next thing I know, I've got a gorgeous hunk of a giant and a very pleased marsh witch.

Camp is looking better all the time!

So now just to ditch this crappy little town.

We got out almost without incident. I say almost as, of course, we had to wipe out a few waves of bandits. And then we were confronted with something even worse. That dumb nun from the bar. She was just waiting for us by the only road out and started begging me to take her along.

I really can't see any use for her. But at the same time, she's just going to keep whining and telling me about her crazy prophecies until I let her come along, so I relented. Maybe she can cook, at least.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So we made it to camp and I figured that as the leader, I got my pick of the party members. That's not saying much. Two of the party appear to be celibate. Even I'm not kinky enough to go for a dog. So that leaves a giant and a witch.

Ultimately, it would be the most fun to have them both together. But it seems prudent to try each one on for size individually, first. Then I'll introduce them once I think they're ready.

I figured that I'd start with the witch. She had conveniently set up camp away from the others, which seemed perfect from my point of view. Privacy should come in handy when we're both screaming out each others' names, right? Right?

Now for the opening gambit. "It's rather cold out here," I said. "Are you cold, too?"

Morrigan shook her head. "No, but you might consider stepping closer to the fire."

OK, so not working. Well, the woman probably is rather innocent, despite her having undressed me in her mother's hut. She might not have understood what I was implying. "I was thinking of another method of warming up."

"I'm sure that Alistair or Leliana has a blanket that they could loan you."

Again, she seemed to be missing the point.

I walked off to the other side of the camp to think up my next move when I saw a caravan with a few dwarves that I'd saved from bandits sitting by the road. I figured that I'd browse their goods just in case there was something interesting and found a gorgeous gold necklace. Now that could be the trick! I bought it and walked back to her.

"I saw this, and thought of you," I said, opening up my hands to reveal the necklace.

Morrigan was positively giddy over the gift. I asked to put it on her, and made sure that I brushed her neck with a delicate finger as I clipped the necklace on. As she rose, I let my hands skim her torso.

"What do you think you are doing?"

I would think that it was obvious. Poor Morrigan really has led such a sheltered life.

"I am just entranced by your beauty," I said.

The look she gave me was...peculiar. At last she said, "I do not see the point in dallying with another woman."

She really is an innocent.

Still, the look of disgust on her face made it fairly clear that I'm unlikely to have any further luck tonight. I'll let her sleep on the thought. Tomorrow I'm sure that all the advantages will come to her.

And while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome, I figured, OK, well, at least this gives me the perfect opportunity to try out my new party member...

Neria

Dear Diary,

So the attempted seduction of Sten didn't happen. I decided to bring things up a bit more bluntly than I had with Morrigan, seeing as he's a foreigner and all and unlikely to pick up on anything too subtle. Unfortunately, his response was that any attempt at mating was likely to result in my death.

I did remind him that I am a powerful mage and that I have a wide variety of healing spells at my disposal. He admitted that in that case, I might survive the process, but that I probably would not enjoy it.

Well, enjoying it is sort of the point. And I'm not very good at healing spells, so I decided that maybe I'd sleep alone tonight.

You'll notice that I'm using the past tense.

I was stuck on shift with Leliana. I'm not sure how, seeing as I made it fairly clear earlier that I found the woman to be absolutely insane. Then again, so did everyone else, and perhaps as the most formidable party member, they figured that they'd have her share her shift with me rather than someone else just in case she went from harmless and nutty to psychopathic.

Anyway, we got to talking. Or rather, I should say, Leliana got to talking. She spoke for nearly the entire three hour watch about her favorite fashions, what she thought was cute, and her favorite stories. By the end of our shift, I wanted to pull my own ears off just to make it stop.

Then she started talking about her time in the convent and about how gorgeous all the other women with their "forbidden fruit", and how the fact that they were off limits made them all the more appealing.

Now that's the kind of conversation I like!

I asked if her fruit was forbidden and after blushing for a bit, she admitted that she'd never actually taken vows.

I'm suddenly thinking that this naughty nun thing could work out.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So Leliana has been using me. She wants me to talk to this "Marjolene" who has been hunting her down and trying to kill her. When I asked why, I learned that Leliana's an ex-Orlesian spy.

Well, one more strike against us. I wonder how I'm going to manage to explain this to Loghain. Any story that doesn't involve me and Alistair being traitors is becoming more and more far fetched.

Then again, it would be absolutely treasonous of me to let an Orlesian spy slip out of my grip. She might be a valuable bargaining chip. As might this Marjolene.

Plus, I'm totally thinking hot lesbian menage a trois.

Maybe by then, I'll even have convinced Morrigan to come along and it can be a foursome. Oh, I can just picture it now...

I'll be in my tent,

Neria

_Thanks to those who critique! You give me wonderful ideas and it makes me somewhat more motivated to keep writing. (Which I think I will need by the Deep Roads...) Special thanks to Arsinoe who I blatantly stole the idea that Leliana is an Orleisan spy from (as it totally makes sense). Also thanks to Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna. If I was the sort of person to dot "i"s with hearts, you'd totally get them._


	4. Interlude: Morrigan's Misgivings

Interlude: Morrigan's Misgivings

_Author's Note: I write this with much trepidation. Morrigan seems like a hard character to write well straight, far less humorously. We shall see how I do at this. Also debating interlude-y things. I find writing NPCs to be more fun and have more ideas for them. But current plan leaves out a lot of the party. Hmmm...do I do all party members, whoever I feel like it, or sometimes have two interludes per Neria entry? (Or break up long Neria entries and use two...many possibilities here...kind of tempted to do two interludes per Neria as I get everyone in that way, but...argh...that's a lot of interludes.)_

'Tis an annoyance, to be true, to travel with such a motley party. But 'tis any worse than it was with Mother? Of this I am strangely uncertain.

I shall list the positives and negatives and try to decide whether I should stay or go.

On the side of staying, there are far fewer mosquitoes and other pesky bugs that bite to bother me here than there were in the Kokari Wilds. Not that this means much, seeing as I can transform into a bug to avoid them. But, still, 'tis useful to be able to remain in one's own skin.

On the side of leaving, 'tis Alistair's cooking. For the fourth time this week, I have had to eat greasy, unrecognizable stew. My own cooking 'tis far better. Then again, to cook for myself would require effort after a day's exertions. Mayhaps 'tis better to eat what that idiot has cooked.

Also added to the list of negatives is the existence of Alistair himself. That a creature as stupid as him is even allowed to exist is a sure sign that there is no Maker, or that if there is, that the Maker has a cruel sense of humor.

I truly hope that there will be another Grey Warden before the eve of the battle. I hate to think that I should go to so much effort to conceive a child with the soul of an Old God just to have that child be unable to figure out which boot goes on which foot due to its father.

I would also prefer a brunette. Just a personal preference, and all.

Regarding this, though, as a positive, I have not had to deal with Mother in over a week now. Which is thankful in so many ways. She eyes me as though she is expecting to do something with me. And her look is quite disconcerting. Besides that, I do not think that she would approve of my desire to slay Alistair before he is able to sire a child on me. Well, assuming, and all, that there is not another Grey Warden by then.

Maker, please? Please? Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? I could not bear to have a child who makes dumb jokes all the time in a futile attempt to salve over his or her insecurities. Can you see demon-spawn doing that? I can't. It would be a total waste of the soul of an Old God.

Seriously, I promise to become a Chantry nun if I can just get a different Grey Warden to father my demon spawn.

Well, not really. Although that I could even consider such an offer gives an idea as to what an ordeal this trip has been.

Speaking of religion, another negative is the existence of Leliana. She decided to walk next to me all of today and talk about shoes. Of all things. Shoes. She spoke of different styles and designs for nearly three hours. And then she discussed which types of shoes would look best with my outfit for another two. I was ready to find a pair and strangle her with their laces if only it would make her be silent. It only ceased when our illustrious leader decided to take her from me.

Does one detect a hint of sarcasm? Why, never!

Our 'illustrious leader' does have certain positives. She did, after all, present me with a magnificent golden necklace. However, I believe that she also suggested that I do something most improper after presenting it to me. Fortunately, she appears to have transferred that impropriety to our insane, religious friend if what I see is true.

Yes, I believe 'tis. Our Neria and our Leliana are in fact braiding each others' hair and giggling.

If I tweren't so disgusted by their unnatural display of affection, I might be tempted to join them. It does look rather fun...

Never. No. Never.

Morrigan

_Thanks to those who critique! The last time I wrote fanfic, I did it with a friend sitting beside me who let me know when I was being funny by laughing. She is gone, so I need you! Otherwise, I just write stupid stuff. Thanks to Arsinoe, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna. 3_


	5. Interlude: Sten's Sufferings

Interlude: Sten's Sufferings

_Author's Note: I feel the need to include Sten for completion's sake. I admit to knowing very little about him and being completely unable to write him. So we'll all just pretend that this section doesn't actually exist, right? ^_^_

Day 1:

After massacring family, I put self in cage to prevent future killings. In retrospect, unsure as to why I put self in cage rather than commit suicide. Waiting for slow painful death by starvation does not seem as logical a way of killing self as jumping off cliff now that I have chance to think about it. Still, am here, and will stay here until starve or am eaten by darkspawn.

Also uncertain as to why gave the key to cage to Reverend Mother. But then, someone had to have it.

Day 14:

I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B. Bunny. Blossom. Bear. Beaver. Bull. Ball bearing. Boy. Bandit. Bingo?

This has gotten old quickly.

Day 28:

Really wishing that had just taken simple suicide option now. Luckily, villagers seem convinced that darkspawn attack is eminent. Since waited this long, might as well wait to be eaten by darkspawn.

Day 31:

Annoying elf-mage, jocular blonde, and scantily dressed witch have approached cage with very respectable dog. Only wish to talk to dog. Say they want to free me. After month of playing Quanari training games, curious as to how this turns out. Yesterday, was curious as to which ant would walk across bar of cage fastest. Capability for amusement has grown.

Elf-mage left to find key to cage. Could have told her that can bend bars of cage and escape without key. But did not. Do not see need for more words than necessary.

Day 32:

Elf-mage freed me. With key. Went hunting bandits. Bandits appeared to have armor in my size. Unsure as to why. Giant armor seems too large to fit human bandits. Humans make no sense. No wonder we Qunari effortlessly crush them.

Day 33:

In camp. Elf-mage pestering me. Will tune her out. Unsure as to why I agreed to follow her. Boredom, probably. Eventually will convince her that my purpose is to use sword and kill darkspawn, not to provide other services.

Managed to convince her that other services would end her puny life. Not true. But good way to make her go away. Pleased with self.


	6. Tower Circle Or Large Innuendo

Tower Circle – Or Large Innuendo in the Middle of a Lake

_Author's Note: Last post before Comic Con! Hopefully this will inspire me further, rather than make me realize how I waste my life in foolish and trivial pursuits. Hmmm..._

_But, you know, cosplay. And nerdiness. 3_

Dear Diary,

I've decided to invoke my treaty with the Circle of Magi.

Were I sentimental, one would think that I wanted to hit the Circle Tower first because it's home and I miss it. It is home. And I do sort of miss it. But I have something I want from the tower.

Anders.

Yep, that's it. Anders.

My fellow mage has a few things going for him. First, he's a healer. We need a dedicated healer. I can sort of heal, but I hate doing it and really prefer to focus on blowing things up. While Anders actually likes healing. I know. No accounting for taste.

Beyond that, Anders _really_ wants out of the tower. He's already made four escape attempts so far. And much as he jokes that it's all because he wants to spend more time with his favorite templar (which is no doubt true, I've seen how he looks at her), he also really wants out of the tower.

Pity that he's not as smart as Jowan is. If he just destroyed his phylactery, he might have a shot at making one of those escape attempts stick.

OK, so Anders isn't the sharpest sword on the rack. But he is a good healer. And more importantly, he'll be very _grateful_ to me for conscripting him.

And unlike my other useless party members, I have no doubt that Anders will show his gratitude in, how shall we put it? Enthusiastic terms.

I've had a demonstration. We'll just say that if that's what he's like after I've helped him with his homework, well...

Yes, I definitely want Anders in the party. Off to Circle Tower to recruit!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Nothing like a warm welcome, right? I got to the tower and was immediately told to leave. I found Gregoir, asked what was going on. Was told that they're about to invoke the Rite of Annulment. Asked if I could do anything to stop them. Anything at all. There are a lot of things you can do with a cute, elven mage, you know...

Greagoir not so politely told me to go away.

I think that my reputation has proceeded me.

I asked again, without the winking and eyelash fluttering. Was told that demons and blood mages have taken over the Circle, but that if I can slaughter all of them, they won't kill everyone left inside. I asked what sort of demon. Was told desire demons. OK, so I'm in.

Not too far into the Tower, I met up with Wynne. Never liked her. But she wants to come with us, and will heal, so who am I to deny her?

We cleared out the demons room by room. Most of them are pretty easy to kill. I'm actually sort of upset by how easy to kill they are. Here I am, a mage who just finished her Harrowing a few months ago, and I totally slaughtered those demons without breaking a sweat. Why are these dumb mages and templars cowering at the entrance when this is so easy for me?

Either they're all truly incompetent or I am, yet again, ridiculously awesome. I'm thinking the second. Because I totally am.

Aside from the stupidly easy to kill demons, another thing sort of had me distressed. Desire demons are not half as sexy as I'd hoped for.

OK, so they are scantily clad and rather curvaceous. But they kept trying to seduce the templars, not me! WTF? Do they not realize who their true enemy is? Do they not understand that I'm the one meant to be enthralled by their charms? Why do they keep wasting their time with boring celibate types? Don't tell me that it's because virgins have the best imaginations. That's totally bunk. I'm sure they have great imaginations, but they don't know good sex from bad sex. I do! The demons ought to try for a real challenge, rather than just settling for anything they can get. No standards there.

Seriously. Desire demons are not half as much fun as their name would imply. False advertising and all that.

Anyway, suddenly not feeling like writing so much any more. Kind of want to go to sleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

Neria

Dear Diary,

I suddenly found myself in Weisshaup. With Duncan and two other Grey Wardens. Not sure why I was there. Or why they were there. Pretty sure Duncan died. I also seemed to be trapped in a rather small room that I couldn't get out of.

I paced around for a bit, until I was even more bored. I considered trying to convince Duncan and the other two Wardens that there is a good cure for boredom before remembering that Duncan wasn't so interested in that line the last time. I finally decided just to talk to him. He explained how we're at peace now, how there's no need for fighting, etc. etc.

This was the worst nightmare ever. No sex or violence for an eternity? I decided I must get out. I attacked and killed Duncan and the others just to make things interesting. Then the world dissolved around me.

Figures that I was stuck in the fade. Oh well. At least this way they can't press charges. I wandered around for a bit, finding clues, doing stuff. Actually kind of boring with no one else in the party with me. Hadn't realized before that I actually sort of like their tendencies to chatter at me while I smile and nod and totally ignore them other than to fantasize about tearing their clothing off and/or making them hook up with other party members. Not that I couldn't do the imagining part on my own, but, you know, it's easier when they're standing right next to you and you can just imagine what would happen if you reached over to one such as, say, Morrigan, and stood up on your tip toes to kiss her. For once, rather than swat me away, she leaned down to return the kiss, her hands seeking my flesh under my robes. I let my hands move in between our bodies, my fingers reaching to cup the soft globes of her...

Anyway, yes, onto find my party members.

Their fade nightmares were as pathetic as mine was. Apparently Alistair was fantasizing about living with his sister (kinky, or just super pathetic?). Leliana was fantasizing about being back in the convent (kinky, or just kind of creepy?). Wynne was imagining herself surrounded by the bodies of her dead students (if this is kinky, it is far too kinky for me, TYVM.). Anyhow, I pulled them out, and we went back to demon killing.

Not sure why I wanted to return to this place, come to think of it. Anders had better be grateful.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, post fade nightmare, we slaughtered a few more demons and came to Cullen.

Now I mostly remember Cullen as this templar who had a ginormous crush on me, yet refused to do anything about it.

Have I mentioned that I hate templars?

Anyway, his loss is my gain. Or maybe my loss. Not sure. I found him in a force field of some sort muttering about how I should just go away and stop tormenting him.

In retrospect, telling someone "why don't you just step out of there and have me right now against the wall" is not the best way to convince him that you are not a desire demon.

But I hardly knew that then! I just saw a rather fit templar explaining his crush to me and got, well...a bit out of hand. Come on, like you wouldn't proposition someone who was attractive that you knew liked you. Especially considering how many completely empty rooms there were just a few feet away...

Let me remind you that it's been two months for me now. Two months. Even Cullen is looking good now. Maker, even _Alistair_ is looking good.

Anyway, after a long dialogue where we confirmed that I am not a desire demon and that Cullen is far too honorable to do anything interesting, I kissed Leliana in front of him to make him jealous. Then told Alistair that he was handsome. It seemed logical at the time.

Of course, Cullen said that he was "beyond that now". Rather than ask to join in. No wonder I hate templars. If he'd been at all interesting, he would have requested a menage a quart, and I would have found a way to spring him from that force field, and well...

Mmmm...hate sex.

Anyway, the rest of the story is pretty simple. I convinced the maleificarum that they should fear me, not the other way around. Like, duh. Considering that I just wiped out all the demons in this part of the Circle without even getting my robes dirty, that should be totally obvious.

Also got back to the templars/surviving mages just to find out that Anders was gone on his fifth escape attempt. Damn. I should have asked about that before offering to help.

Kind of hate life,

Neria

Dear Diary,

I returned to camp to find my other party members. Not sure why I can't take them all with me all the time. Sort of defeats the point of recruiting them, don't you think?

Also, Wynne has set up camp next to us. Not sure why. I think I might have accidentally let herself tag along. Maybe I need to start listening to the conversations that others have with me rather than just nodding while imagining Cullen's hands as he pins me against a wall, his breath heavy inside his helmet. I squirm as he lifts the hem of my robe. He is pressed so closely to me that, through his skirt, I can feel the throb of his...

OK, yeah, focus, Neria, focus.

So back in camp. In the tower, I found a rather awesome book. I decided to give it to Morrigan to impress her, despite that it's not a present that I can use as an excuse to feel her up. She was thrilled with it, so I asked if she'd give me any kind of reward (hint, hint) for it. After all, if it meant that much to her, at the very least I should get a kiss, right? All that I got was a dirty look.

Maybe this relationship with Morrigan just isn't worth pursuing.

But she walks around nearly naked!

Hmmm...I will have to consider this later. Perhaps this is just a matter of devising a new strategy to use on her.

Still, it seems as if my only real chance in the near future is with the naughty nun. Luckily, I still seem to be sharing watches with her. Not quite sure why, but think that it may be due to her insanity and my total prowess in battle.

Sadly, she spent most of the night talking about shoes before falling asleep on me. And when I say "most of the night", I mean six hours. Yes. I spent six hours listening to a mad woman talk about shoes. And didn't even get anything out of it.

How desperate am I that I'm willing to put up with this?

Apparently very.

Also, Alistair wants me to find his sister. Not Leliana, an actual sister. Kinky. Totally up for it, especially if the sister is cute. Plus, she's in Denerim, and we're on our way there next to find Marjolene, who hopefully won't be a annoying as Leliana. So I suppose that we can hit her up on the way to my lesbian menage a trois that, if I am fortunate, can be conducted without a long dialogue about any form of clothing.

Anyway, time to go to sleep, seeing as Leliana's shoe talk has made me long to be trapped in the fade.

Night all,

Neria

_Thanks to those who critique! You are all ridiculously awesome, and your comments are (sadly) often funnier than what I write. Thanks to Arsinoe, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna. 3_


	7. Interlude: Wynne's Whining

Interlude: Wynne Whines

_Author's Note: My mother is a social worker. This is undoubtedly why I went bad and started writing fanfic._

Someone needed to save the world. So I figured that I'd offer to help out. I was kind of surprised that Neria accepted my offer to join up so quickly, seeing as she never seemed to like me when she lived in the Tower. It was probably a defense mechanism. I'm sure that poor Neria always longed for the mother that she never had, and was just waiting for someone to step to the challenge and try to nurture her. Undoubtedly, she has faced discrimination for her entire life as an elf and a mage and a woman and has been desperate for someone to seek her out and offer her empathy. How I misjudged her before! Neria is not a demon in need of exorcism. No! She is a poor, tormented soul in need of saving. And now that she has accepted me into the party, I intend to do just that.

The other mage, the apostate Morrigan, also obviously needs my help. As does the insane bard. And the psychopathic Quanari, the needy templar, and the filthy dog.

How did these people survive without me?

I feel like I should apologize for my actions before I joined this party. Up until I did so, I had always thought Neria to be a bad influence. Sort of like a demon in elf form. I'd even encouraged Irving in his plot to ask Neria to help Jowan and thus be banned from the Circle forever. I had figured that it would keep us from having to warn every new templar or mage to watch out for her or risk eternal damnation. But now I see that this was the wrong attitude. We should have met with Neria and Jowan separately and convinced them to embrace the light. I should have taken time out of my day and tried to mentor Neria and gently push her towards everything right and good. We could have saved two souls, one of which is lost to us now! But I will take comfort in that I can still save Neria! Undoubtedly, the fact that she allowed me to join the party is a sign that she truly wants salvation, just has been afraid to ask for help.

So I must get to work with my soul saving.

Alistair will be the easiest. His soul is already well tended to, he just needs someone to regularly remind him that he is loved and comfort him and raise his self esteem. Perhaps I'll knit him a sweater. Or proposition him if we happen to visit Ostagar. Hey, who said that soul saving has to be an entirely motherly proposition? I'm sure that inviting him back to my tent will raise his self-esteem greatly. Right? Right?

Anyway...

The Dog (did Neria even bother to give a name to that poor creature?) should also be easy to handle. I doubt that he (she?) needs more than a good bath, which is something that I can easily provide.

And if Neria won't let me bathe the dog, I'll just make it sleep near Alistair. Keep the stench confined to one part of the camp, and all. Actually, I am thinking that maybe I should request to bathe Alistair as well. It would really brighten up the entire camp! And be the perfect time to weave in a few cleverly worded innuendos.

Poor Leliana is more in need of guidance. But I can see that she had already taken it upon herself to pursue a life of righteousness, seeing as she entered a convent, and all. It is just a matter of taking her to task and forcing her to be more orthodox.

Also, we're going to have to end her whole "giggling while braiding Neria's hair" bit. That is definitely not what the Maker intended random women to be doing with each other.

At least before they've married. If they're going to indulge in that kind of behavior, at the very least, they should make themselves legal. There's no arguing with young people now-a-days.

I'm not quite sure what to do about the Quanari, truth be told. But he seems to be remorseful, at least, which is a start. Perhaps if I knit him something, he'll feel loved and be better able to get in touch with his feelings? Hmmm...I will grab a skein of wool right away!

And as for Morrigan...well, the poor dear! She was living alone in the wilds for so long with only that monster of a mother. No wonder she's such an unholy terror. But I have no doubt that if I just show her proper affection that in no time she is capable of becoming a good and wonderful person. Perhaps I will knit her a shawl so that she is not so...exposed...all the time. Yes. That might be just the ticket. A bit of a shawl to cover all that cleavage. Or maybe some mage robes that aren't quite so revealing. Perhaps I can convince her to wear some of the ones I am so fond of? They do do wonders for an aging bust!

So that is my plan! Lots of mothering and knitting and undoubtedly the entire party will be set to rights, don't you think?

Then we can find the Arch-Demon, riddle out her angsts, and explain how upset everyone will be if she destroys Denerim. After all, there are lots of people there who love their families every bit as much as she undoubtedly loves her Darkspawn and her hatchlings. Would she like it if we invaded the Deep Roads and slaughtered them all? Of course not! I'm sure she'll understand if we just explain it to her, and then we can be back to normal in no time whatsoever!


	8. Interlude: Cullen's Confession

Interlude: Cullen's Confessions

_Author's Request: Thank you wonderful people for critiques. So super helpful. This go-around, I have a few specific questions in case you want to direct Neria's life. ^_^_

_1) I'm very much enjoying making Neria fantasize about various characters rather than pay attention to whatever is happening in the plot. Any characters in particular that you want me to add to the list? (A few ideas for the Brecilian forest would be *most* appreciated, but other areas would be helpful, too! Particularly with scenarios!)_

_2) Any characters/ideas for interludes? I have quite a few already generated, but I can always toss an extra one in if someone is worried that their favorite NPC will be ignored._

_3) I have a particular Neria fantasy that I need a slightly darker character for. Any preferences? Currently thinking Morrigan, but I can change it to nearly anyone, male or female if there is interest in using someone else._

Bless me Reverend Mother, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my last confession. Unacceptably long, I know. In my defense, I was detained by demons in the Tower, and was unable to make a proper confession while there, although I prayed every night that the Maker would hear me and forgive me my transgressions. I know that this is no excuse, and I promise to never go so long without a confession again.

First I admit to the sin of lust. While I know that I should not lust after demons, desire demons are, well, desire demons. I should rise above these fleshy desires. But I am weak, Maker, I am weak! I will try to prevent such desires in the future by thinking about Greagoir/Irving slash. Or castrate myself. Whichever is more effective.

I also confess to the sin of gluttony. When I escaped the Tower after three weeks, I ate nearly an entire table full of food. I was starving. But that still does not excuse my gluttony.

I will also admit to the sin of greed. I was trapped by the demons to begin with when I foolishly did not evacuate the tower fast enough because I was hoping to save some personal effects from my room. My desire for the various toys Alistair had left me before leaving for the Grey Wardens nearly cost me my soul.

In addition to greed, I admit to the sin of sloth. For several weeks, I stayed trapped by the demons in some kind of magical force field. Seeing how easily Neria and Wynne managed to slaughter all of the demons in the tower, I believe I should done more to escape. And, you know, kill demons and blood mages. I grieve to think what my inaction did to my fellow templars.

I will also admit to the sin of envy. When Neria taunted me by telling Alistair how handsome he was, all I could think was that if I were only free of that force field, I would take Neria into a private room, strip off my armor, and show her who the better looking man is where it counts.

Don't look so surprised! We do live in very close quarters and share living space. It's not like I don't know what Alistair looks like under his armor. Trust me, I am far better equipped!

But I digress.

For my last sin, I confess to the sin of pride. When I learned that I was the only templar to escape the desire demons, I definitely took a bit of pride in that. That was until I realized that my desire demon looked like Neria, but acted sort of nice, which was a clear give away that she was not, in fact, Neria. I probably had it easier than anyone else did, which made me less prideful. But I still definitely remember thinking, "Nyah, nyah, nyah, you are all weak willed and I am the only true templar in this entire tower!" which was inexcusably arrogant.

There is one more possible sin, that I would like to discuss with you, Reverend Mother, as I am unsure as to whether it is a sin or not. During my imprisonment in the Tower, I was taunted at length by the elf-mage, Neria Surana. When she taunted me, I felt great wrath towards her. I had an overwhelming desire to escape my confinement and end her life. To be honest, I still do. Under normal circumstances, I would consider this a sin. But seeing as it is Neria, I am uncertain as to whether this is a sin, or something that any rational person would hope for.

Let me know. Either way, I will accept whatever penance you assign.

Doubly so if it involves tracking down Neria and either killing her, or teaching her a very much needed lesson about exactly what a well equipped templar can do with his sword when provoked.

_Thanks to those who critique! You boost my self confidence above Alistair-like levels. Thanks to Arsinoe, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit._


	9. Interlude: Greagoir

Interlude: Greagoir

_Author's Note: Thank you Eva Galana for reminding me that Greagoir has been left out of the mages chapter. Don't we need the perspective of a templar who's not quite as crazy as Cullen? I think so. And if you don't, eh, well, I'll be back to the main plot very soon anyway. ^_^_

Oh, Maker, no! Why has she returned?

An even better question might be why is she propositioning me? Oh, why am I asking myself this. Neria propositions everyone. She always has.

It became quite frustrating. The first thing I'd have to do every time we got a new templar was to show him a sketch of her and tell him, "This is Neria Surana, one of the mages in the tower. You'll probably recognize her as she's one of the few female elves here. She almost certainly will ask you to do something inappropriate with her. Do not do it under any circumstances, no matter how tempting it may sound. She may be beautiful, she may even seem nice on a very short term basis. But if you engage in any kind of immoral activity with her, it will destroy your soul. Just ignore her, and think of it as practice for the first time you face a desire demon."

Luckily, the only templar who seemed even tempted was Cullen. And he is such a well behaved young man that I had no doubt that he would manage to resist her. Plus, the boy is painfully shy. No matter how many times Neria walked by him and asked him back to her bunk, or to push her up against the wall and have her right there, or to follow her to the basement to pick up a few items, I seriously doubt he'd have the guts to say yes.

Maybe this is just wistful thinking. He did tell me that he didn't think he'd be able to kill her at her Harrowing. Hmmm...This is the kind of thing that I should probably take into account when assigning templars for Harrowings.

On the other hand, I know that she got half the other mages into bed. Male and female. For the last ten years or so (ever since she hit puberty), it has been nigh impossible to walk by a supply closet or out of the way bookshelf without finding her going at it with another apprentice. I swear that our number of failed Harrowings has risen due to her influence. I truly wish that mages were a more restrained lot. I also think that we need to fit them all in very hard to unlace breeches next time around rather than in those "easy-access" robes that Anders favors.

Hmmm...

Sadly, she never really did anything that would allow us to punish her. Certainly, she fell asleep in all of her classes that did not involve destroying things. (However, she excelled at those. One of the best students I've ever witnessed, truth be told.) And she did prove a bad influence on everyone near her. But she never really did anything else that was wrong. Unfortunately, my order is not allowed to destroy mages just for being licentious (they're apparently "the kingdom's best weapon" according to Teryn Loghain), so I was forced to tolerate her for a decade. (Well, more like two, actually, but she wasn't so bad when she was a child.)

I was so grateful when Irving told me that she'd agreed to help the one mage she couldn't get into bed destroy his phylactery. I just knew that it would be the perfect chance to get rid of her. And, thank the Maker, it was. But now she's returned. And since she's one of about three mages in the kingdom at the moment who is not about to be annulled, I can't exactly kill her now.

No, wait? She _wants_ to go into the tower and take on abominations?

I wonder whether we can annul the tower with her in it...

If nothing else, hopefully she'll find Wynne and bring her back. I miss that old lady. She's got the finest bust this side of Lake Calenhad.

_Probably not my finest work, but it was a good chance to give Neria a bit of a back story. Anyhow, thanks again to my lovely reviewers: roxfox, fighter-girl, Arsinoe, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit. I should hate you all, as you encourage this madness. But it is a happy madness!_


	10. Denerim Or Ferelden's Pearl

Denerim – or Ferelden's Pearl

_Author's Note: I'm a bit out of order here (maybe we'll pretend that I got through some of Redcliffe?) But, eh, you know...timelines/plot points/whatever. Alistair could have found a rose anywhere, right? Also, Zevran should probably be here by now, but...eh...yeah, I'm confused._

Dear Diary,

Have I mentioned yet that I hate Alistair?

So, we got to Denerim and he promptly started bugging me about seeing his sister, and telling me that her house is just over there and so on and so forth. Then when we got close, suddenly he didn't want to see her any more. Whatever. We're in Denerim. He's going to whine until I let him see her. If I don't make him go now, he'll just start whining again as soon as we're out of the area. So I dragged him in and made him meet her.

The sister wasn't at all interested in my suggestions about how to spend the afternoon and seemed only after money. Pity. A hot girl like me should be paid for sex, not the other way around. So we left. Alistair wanted to talk about the experience (why does he need to talk about every single thing that happens? Seriously, I am going to find a gag. Actually, hold that thought. The idea of a bound and gagged Alistair is actually quite appealing...) and just wouldn't leave me alone no matter how hard I tried, so I finally told him that everyone is out for themselves to make him shut up.

Hey, it's true, right?

And, regardless, it seemed to make him go into one of his deep, quiet, contemplative moods where, Thank the Maker!, he was actually rather quiet.

Oh well. So one hope for an exciting afternoon down. But we still have my hot lesbian menage a trois, right? Right?

Oh, Marjolane. I can hardly wait!

Neria

Dear Diary,

So we managed to find Marjolane. It wasn't quite what I was hoping for.

I mean, seriously, what sort of meeting does one have with not one but two gorgeous Orleisan bards that ends with everyone still fully dressed? Not a very good one!

I just know that I should have insisted on sleeping with Leliana as part of this deal to find Marjolane for her. I bet that if we'd already slept together that she'd have been far more up for the idea of convincing Marjolane to join us. And then the ending would have been so much happier.

Instead, we just killed her guards, then I listened to her and Leliana got into some kind of really annoying dialogue about random stuff that I don't care about. So to liven things up, I attacked and killed Marjolane.

Hmmm...in retrospect, maybe I should have listened to the annoying dialogue. Perhaps there was an option somewhere in it to convince the two of them to go into a back room of Marjolane's, take off all their clothing, and pleasure me for hours. But, eh, what is done is done.

Anyway, Leliana got a nice bow out of it, so I suppose not all is lost.

Still, very disappointing all in all, considering my very reasonable expectations.

Isn't there any fun to be had in this city?

Neria

Dear Diary,

Some random knight came up to me and out of the blue accused me of killing the king. WTF? I did not kill the king. I was entirely with Loghain on the whole "only idiots fight in the front lines of battle" bit. If anyone killed the king, it was those evil Orlesian Grey Wardens, or possibly the king's own imbecility. Not I!

He demanded vengeance, and I offered to surrender if he would just bring me to Loghain. I'm sure that Loghain would see things far more sensibly. After I was forced to kneel before him, shivering with anticipation, I'd explain that no matter how terrible all of this looked, I'd always been an entirely patriotic Ferelden girl. I totally supported him at Ostagar, only took along the stupid bard to keep her from getting into more trouble, and didn't know that the giant was a mass murderer when I let him out of his cage! I only wanted to apologize for anything that might have suggested otherwise. And he was totally free to punish me in any way he saw fit...

Anyhow, the stupid knight refused to bring me to Loghain, so I killed him. Bastard. I'd had so many great ideas for how the punishment would play out, too.

What does a girl have to do to catch a break in this town?

None of the merchants were all that interesting, either. I did rather think that Wade and his partner Herren were cute, so suggested that we go into a back room together. Herren seemed all irritated about that and told me that neither he nor Herren had any particular interest in the "fairer sex". I told them that I was actually more into cheating than playing fair, and that I knew a way of getting them interested in women. Just as I started explaining precisely what I could do with two handsome men, Herren told me that I was disrupting Wade's work and rather rudely escorted me out the front door. How annoying!

Ignacio and Caesar also seemed rather interesting, but refused to give me any "quests" until later, so I may have to check with them at a more opportune time, if you know what I mean. And the guy in the Wonders of Thedas appeared to be tranquil, which can be defined as "too boring to pursue".

Why, just for once, couldn't one of them give me a quest that I might like? Such as maybe go to a brothel, kill some people, and have a torrid affair with the most gorgeous person there?

Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, Alistair wanted to talk yet again after we got back to the street. OK, whatever, dork. I'm willing to pretend that I am interested in the imbecilic things you have to say if that's what it takes to keep you agreeing to be beaten up by monsters so that I don't have to take a hit. I'll just imagine you with your clothing off to keep myself amused, and possibly imagine what a menage a trois with you and Morrigan would be like to keep myself entertained. Actually, that thought is pretty appealing. Hmmm...bound and gagged Alistair. Me and Morrigan taunting him, both verbally and by her demonstrating on me exactly what she would do to him, were he the sort of man she fancied. I can just see it now. She slowly removes my clothing, runs her hands over my skin. Gives Alistair a saucy wink as she kisses along my neck, her hands trailing down the sides of my body to my...

Ah, yes, so what was Alistair saying?

Apparently something that was not completely idiotic, which was a huge surprise. He seemed interested in, now you're never going to believe this, but...sex.

I know, crazy, right? And here I'd been under the impression that he was a eunuch.

Well, I guess it makes sense. The whole "virgins have good imaginations" thing, and all. And if he wanted to know, I suppose that I rather am the expert in the group, and thus the one to ask about all the sordid details. Hopefully he knows enough to ask about the sordid details.

Anyway, he asked me I'd ever "licked a lamp post in winter".

Interesting act to reference, but then again, he has lived almost entirely around men. Other concepts probably haven't even occurred to him.

I told him, "um, well, of course, although that's not my favorite. I far prefer having my warm ripe peach eaten in the summer, and particularly like having a warm, firm hand stuck in my damp glove in the spring". Sadly, he raced off blushing before I could get to autumn. Oh well. Not my favorite season, anyway.

In lesser news, we burst into a random house, killed someone, and found a map and some books. Awesome! There is almost nothing I love better than murder, property damage, and looting stuff. Especially stuff I can't see any reason for owning, and can't imagine getting much money for. It just adds to the feeling of, "hah, I totally killed you for no reason other than that I love to kill". It's so refreshing, particularly after a day of realizing that half the people around here are either boring or gay.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, Leliana decided to talk to me when we got back to camp. At first, I was a bit worried, seeing as usually when she wants to talk to me, it's about really dumb stuff. And now that my hope of a lesbian menage a trois with her is over, I just can't bring myself to care. But no! This time she wanted to have a discussion about whether she should be a bad or good girl?

We all know which option I picked.

Anyway, Leliana was so grateful for my help that she decided to reward me. In a way that I actually wanted.

She even offered to let me write all the details down in you, my beloved journal. But I think that I may keep this one to myself.

Neria

P.S: Not really. She's pretty cute with her clothing off, gives a mean back massage, and can do this wonderful thing with her teeth and her tongue. But, she's, um, offering to do it again, which is somewhat more interesting than you, dear diary, so I think that's all the details that you are likely to get for now!

Dear Diary,

OK, so debating whether the Leliana thing is worth it. Last night was wonderful. So many times over. But then Leliana also started commenting about how she wanted to rip my eye lashes off and keep them in a jar. She's crazy in bed, but she may be just a bit too crazy for me.

She also shared another watch with me, discussed fashion all night long, then fell asleep on me. If I'm going to have to put up with four hour long conversations on clothing, I am at least going to get laid for it, thank you very much. Leliana is failing me. Badly. She's great in bed, but sadly only in bed.

I bet that Morrigan is the strong, silent type. Damn her.

Unfortunately, breaking up with people is pretty tough. They whine. Sometimes cry. Try to make you feel guilty over a perfectly rational decision. Luckily Alistair decided to spare me all of this by um, I'm not sure, really. He pretty much came up to me, told me how hot he found my and Leliana's sapphic relationship, then demanded that I break up with her. Yeah, I know. It makes absolutely no sense. What sort of man says "the sounds that were coming out of your tent will give me very happy dreams for the rest of my life, but stop it. Stop it now!"

Probably only the type of man who is a templar. I hate them so much.

Anyhow, since he offered to spare me any more long nights of listening to dumb Leliana stories while only getting laid one night in 10, I figured that I'd let him. A few minutes later, he was back with a dumb rose, telling me how gorgeous I am. Like, duh. Then he asked to get to the steamy bits. Which surprised me, considering. But, you know, it's not like I'm seeing anyone any more, right?

Then just as I told him "off with the armor", he turned me down. Me? WTF? I am not understanding this. Does he not understand that I am so far superior to him as for it to be laughable? Does he think that all that is required for sex is a lamp post on a cold day? I do not get him.

Although, then again, offering the dirty pantaloons that the random dog gave me as a present might not have been the best idea. Hmmm. He probably got the wrong idea. Or rather, the entirely right one. May have to try vanilla suggestions in the future. Considering, after all, that Alistair is pretty innocent, and may or may not even understand that there is more to sex than, ahem, "licking lamp posts". Maybe I'll offer to slowly walk him through the steps and only add some interesting bits after he's mastered them. Besides, I'm sure that once I've broken him down a bit, he'll be totally up for doing what I want to do. It's just a matter of time. And I can come up with so many idea for those pantaloons...

Anyway, I hunted him down to confront him over what he'd done and asked him whether he had the proper parts. (Best explanation I can find, anyway, for his behavior.) He seemed to take it as a joke. And still wasn't OK doing anything more exciting than kiss me.

There is something just so wrong with that boy...

So, yeah, it looks as if it's going to be another lonely night. But, after Leliana, I'm actually sort of looking forward to the quiet...

Neria

_Thanks to those who critique! Especially those who gave me great ideas for Denerim (I believe Jenn and Eva? Probably missed someone. I too am stupider than a mabari.) Also thanks to Arsinoe, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, and roxfox for her cheerleading._


	11. Goldanna's Greivances

Goldanna's Grievances

_Author's Note: I'm going meta now. And a bit goofy. Because I can. Bwah hah hah...but, seriously, are _you_ going to stop me? (Argh, sorry, formatting for classifieds was completely screwed up!)_

Ugh, so some random guy came by today claiming to be my brother. Not sure if he is or not. He certainly doesn't look like me. Knowing my luck of late, it was just a pick up line he used before he decided to abduct me and throw me into a brothel. Seriously. You try to go straight, and this is what you get.

Pretty sure that it wasn't my brother. After all, the only brother I know about is supposedly the son of King Maric. And, you know, if this guy was really a prince, I bet he'd be willing to help out his poor sister. I mean, considering, and all, that my lost-half brother's birth cost my mother her life when I was a little kid and after that I was pretty much forced out on the streets and told to survive by any means necessary because to him. Yeah, if that was _my_ sister, I'd try to help her, were I a prince, rather than waltz into her life with no warning and tell her that I wanted to meet her. After 23 years. Yeah, if I actually have a long-lost brother and he cared about me in the least, I think he'd have been here before now.

Ugh, I should not let things like this upset me. But it hurts every time. I'm trying so hard to be good! I have a steady, if poorly paid job, as a washer woman. I'm doing all right by my kids. I'm really trying. I do not need strangers badgering me every few seconds.

Anyway, speaking of going straight, I should try to practice my reading. I picked up a copy of the _Thedas Tattler_ in the market place today and have been working on sounding out the words. I'd like to read something a bit more interesting once in a while, but let's be frank. I'm a barely paid washer woman, not some sort of fancy lady. It's not like I have a fortune to spend on a tutor or on books! I wish that that stupid blonde man had been my brother. If he were, I bet that he would have been willing to at least give me enough money to hire a tutor for a few hours. Then I could learn to read just that much better and pass the lessons along to my children.

Anyway, I wonder what's in the newspaper today?

I'll be good and start with the more serious articles. There's one on Ostagar. Boring. But I should probably read it to practice my vocabulary. It looks as though it's about whether Teryn Loghain abandoned Ostagar at the right time, or far too late. Widows and orphans of the soldiers dead on the field want to know! Well, I don't blame them. If my son had died there, I'd be pretty angry that Loghain had stood around for hours waiting for a beacon to be lit as they were slowly picked off by darkspawn. Some general he is.

On a more light hearted note, another one of King Cailan's mistresses has come forward. (Although the etching doesn't make her look as pretty as me. Damn it. I should have tried for him when he was at the Pearl last.) She mostly just talked about how sweet and handsome he is, which is kind of boring. I really liked the expose they had on the mistress before her. She discussed all of Cailan's favorite bedroom games and even speculated that the queen had asked Cailan to play "The beautiful queen and her taciturn teryn" (although she never could confirm that such a game had ever existed). It was just so much more sordid. Plus, I think that I'd do a very good job playing "the handsome Ferelden king and his mysterious Orlesian bard". In either role.

Oh, nice! They have poll results again. I voted in this one. It asked which was worse, the Blight or another invasion by the Orlesians. As usual, the Orlesians were considered worse by a good 70% of the respondents. Although that's lower than it was last month, when it was 95% in favor of the Blight.

Hey, at least Hurlocs look scary and monstrous. There is nothing worse than being beaten up by a pretty boy in a mask.

OK, since I deserve it, I'm going to the fashion etchings next. Is it just me, or does Queen Anora always wear the same dress all the time? I'm not sure why they keep posting etchings of her in it. Oh well. According to the text, she just has a few that look the same as it makes getting dressed in the mornings easier. Also, apparently she doesn't think that it's moral to spend a lot of money on fashion when there's a war going on. Anora is kind of a crappy queen. A good queen would always dress like a fashion plate as she'd know that her main job was to look good and produce lots of kids.

I really wish that Anora hadn't declared "I will be Queen, and my Father will rule beside me" at the last Landsmeet. It totally ruined any hope of an awesome royal wedding. I mean, even if they _do_ get married, they're both so stingy that she'll probably just wear that stupid blue dress and Logain would just wear that dingy ancient armor.

Now Lady Habren...that is a woman who always has a new outfit. Unfortunately, she seemed to have chewed the person doing the etchings out before they could get a good one of her newest look. Such a pity. I kind of like her.

Oooh, and then there are the personals! I wonder if I should respond to one with the hope that I could find a nice new husband. The kids could use a father figure, and if I found an intellectual, I could save money on tutoring!

**Man for Woman**

Sweet man looking for woman who likes to give orders and wants lots of children. Interests include long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, giving you flowers, cuddling, and killing dark spawn.

Looking for a man who will treat you like the nug humping moss licking branco bumping innuendo loving whatever you are? Look no further!

Widower looking for remarriage. Not seriously, as more into job than romance. But my (grown) daughter wants me to stop meddling, so urged me to write this. Whatever.

My older brother thinks that it's time that I marry, so I'm willing to look into it. I'd really rather challenge dwarfs to drinking contests, though, and "hang out" with my sister in law, if you know what I mean, so please be OK with that.

Charming apostate looking for woman interested in that sort of thing. Interests include long walks back to the tower in manacles and very bad puns.

Looking for well, not really looking. But think that my family deserves one person innocent of the harm my father has caused other than my sweet younger sister.

Qunari looking for strong giantess capable of surviving mating. Please be willing to accept loss of soul and honor. I am looking for sword. Will have back soon. Promise.

**Woman for Man**

Lovely woman looking for male Grey Warden who is not Alistair to father God-child. Other positive qualities desired include ability to be quiet for more than two seconds at a time, greater intelligence than a dog, and lack of that stupid hair cut.

Mature, educated woman looking for man. Interests include good wine and ale, reading, knitting, and nurturing.

**Woman for Woman**

Fiery redhead looking for gorgeous woman who likes talking and falling asleep on watch. Interests include fashion, story telling, music, and shoes. Will also consider men, but figure that any man who is that interested in shoes is probably gay.

**Man for Man**

Handsome bachelors, looking for more. Just stop by the best shop for swords in town and we'll be happy to entertain you after work!

**Casual Encounters**

Handsome (male) elf looking for a good time. Can go all night! Men, women, humans, non-humans, write! It'll be fun!

Gorgeous sea captain looking for a good time while in port. If you show me a good enough time, I might even consider showing you a few of my moves.

**Corrections:**

Earlier ad** Widow Looking for Intelligent Man Who Wants Lots of Children and Likes Following Orders** has been deleted. Mail box owner has no interest in marrying again and ad was posted by her father, not by her. Any further responses to ad will be deleted.

Oooh, the sweet man looking for a woman who likes giving orders sounds absolutely perfect! I may have to write back. He sounds like just my type!

_Thanks to those who critique! And those who don't, but keep reading this anyway, despite their better judgment. Special thanks to Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Nowshin, ginganinja, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, and roxfox for her cheerleading._


	12. Interlude: Shale Stumbles

Interlude: Shale Stumbles

_Author's Note: Formatting on the classifieds for Goldanna was completely screwed up, so if you read it early and were confused, well...I'm really sorry. It's back to normal now, if you want to check it out. Now on to the story!_

Day 1:

Hmmm...I've been in this town-square for quite a while now. Darkspawn seized it a few weeks back and were intent on slaughtering all humans. Sadly, the chickens remain. But I am optimistic that soon the darkspawn will be sensible enough to kill all forms of life in this village.

Day 3:

Darkspawn have sensibly succeeded at killing all humans, but foolishly failed at killing all birds. I am certain all humans are dead by now, as no one has attempted to copulate near me in well over a month. However, I spotted two chickens, four pigeons, and a crow yesterday. I have decided that if the darkspawn refuse to slaughter birds that they are only little better than the birds themselves. I wish that some adventuring party would arrive and kill all of them. And the birds. Especially the bids.

Day 14:

The darkspawn have had the town for a month now. Where is that adventuring party that is due to arrive here and kill the darkspawn before awakening me and inviting me to join them? I haven't seen any sign of them.

Do they not know that I exist? Do they not care about me?

Have they not downloaded the DLC?

Perhaps the adventuring party is unaware of the piece of paper in its game box that clearly points out that by entering a code on the piece of paper they can download an additional party member. Perhaps the adventuring party was too cheap to buy the game disk new and purchased it used at Game Stop? Or is it too cheap to spend a mere $15 for an awesomely sarcastic golem?

Or maybe the adventuring party is in need of a little advice as I am almost certain that it was given this game (new) as a gift by its litter-mate and has the code for my adventures just sitting there, waiting to be used.

Here is my advice, fleshy-meat brain. Go to the Bioware site. Create an account. Enter its code. Then start up the game and download the DLC. It is incredibly simple! While it is there, it can even buy points if it's not too stingy and download other exciting downloadable content! It can pretend to be a hurlock! Visit Leliana's past! Return to Ostagar! Visit Warden's Keep! Play a very difficult strategy game! Get random new presents to give to its party members in case it is too lazy to talk to them enough to get them to copulate with it in creepy, mechanical, badly animated sex! Really, it's great fun, and a wonderful way of spending as much money as it spent on the game on additional content.

OK, so maybe the other content isn't worth it. But I am! Really, I promise! Especially since I _came with the game and therefore am free._

It is very easy. Kill some dark spawn. Solve the puzzle (or don't! Just kill the demon and the girl! It's easy! I care nothing for either of them. I do not care how you solve the cat-demon's puzzle.) Get the control word. Free me.

And please do it soon. I see a flock of pigeons approaching...

_OK, yeah, but Shale needed to appear in the story somehow...thank you all who have reviewed/commented/favorite-d/read and not sent me hate mail. I appreciate it!_


	13. RedCliffe Does Not Rock

Redcliffe and Does Not Rock

_Author's Note: I actually rather like Wynne personally, so apologize for what is about to happen. But Neria does not, and so is delighted by this chapter. I will admit that she's something of a Mary-Sue. Like her, I flirt with everything that moves, am fairly amoral, and spend much of my time wondering why it's only the romantic love interests that I don't want who want me. However, unlike her, I cannot blow up things merely by thinking it, which makes me very sad. That said, we're still not quite the same person, so I apologize for her actions here and in the next several chapters._

Dear Diary,

So today was kind of a day for confrontations. I got out of my poor, lonely tent all by myself and Wynne promptly came over to me and confronted me about "what was I planning to do with Alistair?" Then gave me this whole lecture on duty, and about how I shouldn't get too attached to someone else as my entire purpose in life is slaying Darkspawn. Thanks old lady. Way to brighten up my day and make me feel important. Ooooh, you mean I'm like a monster killing machine with no feelings who cannot even get a bit of joy out of life? Even with someone I _haven't even slept with yet_? Yeah. Whatever. I told her that I was just doing this because it was fun (well, hopefully it will when Alistair gets up the courage to do something) and she yelled at me about breaking poor wittle Alistair's heart. Yeah, whatever. Mind your own business, witch.

Then, just as we got underway, we were attacked by an assassin. As usual, my awesome skills saved the day and before long, he was writhing on the ground in front of us explaining who sent us and why and all that. Huh. So Teryn Loghain is finally making a somewhat half-hearted attempt at actually doing something about us? You mean he's sending an assassin after us rather than just posting notes about how we're wanted? Glad to see that someone in this country has some balls. (I bet that Alistair would have just stuck with the posting notes idea. Possibly notes with hearts on them.) Also, seeing as this guy is a Crow, Loghain probably spent a lot of money on him. I feel flattered. It's not often that people go to a lot of trouble over me, you know.

Anyway, back to the assassin. I was going to kill him at first, seeing as I like killing and taking him with me is going to look _really bad_ when I try to explain this whole thing to Loghain. But then he started explaining all of the great things he could do for me if I just let him live. Most of his services didn't sound all that desirable, but I could definitely use a bed warmer if Alistair doesn't shape up in a hurry (or, to be honest, even if he does). And his little leather skirt did ride up his thighs in a very appealing way. So I invited him along. And, eh if he doesn't work out, I can always kill him later. Probably after a bit of "interrogation".

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, back at camp. I tried the whole "OK, time to fulfill your side of the bargain" speech with my new assassin, but he did this whole "don't you want to get to know me first?" thing. Um, no. I really don't want to get to know you. You person I just spared, me person who wants gratitude. This isn't exactly something you need a degree from a Tevinter University to understand. But, whatever. Eventually I will either have you or Alistair, and will taunt the one who failed to seize the initiative by blatantly making out with whoever did show some guts in front of the spineless one. Then at least one of you will feel very, very sorry.

Neria.

Dear Diary,

So, we made it to Redcliffe today. Just as we got there, Alistair pulled me aside and told me that he is a royal bastard. No, seriously, he is actually the son of King Maric, and kind of important to the whole kingdom.

My first thoughts were along the lines of "WTF? No wonder Teryn Loghain wants to kill us! You are a serious threat to his rule, and he has got to be completely and totally convinced that we are trying to lead a rebellion against him and his daughter to take the throne, while killing thousands of people in the process! Seriously, why did you not tell me this? Did you think that it was not important that I know why the most important people in this kingdom want us dead? Did you think that Teryn Loghain would be content with posting notes in small, out of the way corners of the world? Do you think that he is not well aware of the threat that you pose? For the love of the Maker, just how stupid are you?"

Then I thought for a bit longer and realized something far more important. If Alistair is the son of Maric, and we do lead a rebellion against Loghain and succeed in making Alistair king, he's going to need a queen. And let's be honest, he's already got a crush on me. So why not? I mean, yeah, it'll destabilize the kingdom. And thousands may die just to put someone on the throne who is regularly outsmarted by a mangy dog. But, as long as _I get to be Queen,_ I really don't care. Hah! In your face Teryn Loghain. I am going to make Alistair love me and ascend to the throne and kill the arch demon and become the youngest first enchanter ever! And then you're going to feel very, very sorry for not treating me better at Ostagar.

Neria

P.S: I just realized that making Alistair fall in love with me might require me being nice to him. This is going to be hard. But no one said that the road to becoming the sole ruler of Ferelden was easy.

Dear Diary,

Redcliffe kind of sucks. It's amazing how a few attacks by the walking dead make a village determined to be all boring and unfriendly. They've even shut down the brothel, although luckily the bar is still open. The only good part of it so far has been Teagan.

Oh, Teagan. Where do we begin? Your gorgeous blue eyes. Your luxurious golden hair. That delicious accent? That lovely fashion sense? If I wasn't going to make Alistair fall in love with me and marry me so that I could become Queen, I would totally throw myself at you like a poorly behaved puppy, knock you to the ground, and have you right in front of everyone else, with or without your consent.

As it is, I will have you, but subtly. So that my intended doesn't notice.

So, yeah, in case you haven't guessed, I agreed to save the village. Not that I care. But doing so lets me spend more time with Teagan, and totally wins points in the eyes of Alistair.

Of course, this began the whole "how do we prepare the village for rampaging zombie hordes" bit. Which sounds totally boring, until you realize that it involves breaking into a lot of houses and taking stuff. Which is a lot of fun, and definitely makes me happy.

Not too much to say here. I did find a rather rugged looking dwarf who initially wanted to hole up and avoid the fighting. I implied exactly what I was willing to do for him if he was just willing to help us rather strongly, but he resisted. Eventually he gave in when I offered him Arl Eamon's support. I feel kind of depressed. My favors, or those of an ugly old man, and the dwarf chooses Eamon? I'm totally going to kill him when I get the chance.

Then there was Ser Perth. He's not a templar. But he sort of looks like one. So I was really hoping that I could get him to go inside that windmill and fulfill a few fantasies that I've always had...

Sadly, no matter how clear I was about what I wanted, he just stared stupidly at me and asked me for some "holy relics" to help protect his men. Hmmm. Maybe that was an innuendo. Maybe I should have accepted. You know, like, "I want to put my holy relic in your magical chalice?" Why do I always miss these subtle come-ons until it's too late to do anything?

Then there was Teagan. As soon as we escaped from my intended's watchful eyes, I asked him if he'd like to "go behind the docks to discuss strategy". He was willing to go behind the docks, but after that, became most difficult. He muttered something about having a town to defend, and left before I could even get all of my robes off for our nude swimming session.

There is something wrong with the people in this town. This has become very clear.

Oh well. Eventually I just gave up on my hope that anything fun would happen in this stupid town and waited for nightfall. Undead hordes appeared. I killed them. No surprises there. Dumb zombies can't even climb stairs.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I'm confused by Isolde. She came running down from the castle just after I'd had a rather entertaining discussion with Teagan about how we were going to _enter the tunnels under the castle together_ and _explore Redcliffe together_ and totally interrupted the mood. But then she is rather pretty. And that gown doesn't leave much to the imagination. And I can't imagine that after a decade or so of being married to Arl Eamon that she isn't up for something a bit more exciting...

But at the same time, that voice! Well, this is what gags are for.

It would be glorious. I'd slowly slip her gown up over those creamy thighs while Teagan pressed into my back, his hands caressing my slender waist. I'd put my hands to the cleavage only just hidden by that filmy net as Teagan slide my robes beyond my legs. I'd lean down to...

Then just as I got to the good parts of my thoughts, I noticed that Isolde had somehow dragged Teagan away from me and left me to explore the tunnels of Redcliffe with boring old Alistair, Leliana, and Wynne.

I am totally going to kill her for this.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, guess who I found in the tunnels of Redcliffe? OK, you'll never guess, so I'll give it away. Jowan! Yeah, like the obnoxious little apprentice that I was banished from the tower for trying to help out (even after I ratted him out to Irving, the bastard). Anyway, he was in a cell, asking me to let him out or something. Yeah, whatever. You preferred that fat cow Lily to me. You can damn well stay there and think about what your bad taste in women has cost you for a while longer. Jerk. I am totally not letting you out after that.

Anyway, we cleared out the castle and came to the throne room. Teagan totally paid for not exploring _my tunnels_ by being forced to dance around like a jester. Hah, Teagan, you look like an idiot. Next time you'll know better than to follow some lesser woman around. Anyway, I totally beat him up and killed the rest of the group, then was begged by Isolde to save her son. Jowan somehow appeared and told me that they could kill Isolde to let me enter the fade and try to save Conner. And Isolde actually _asked for it_. Seriously, what kind of monster would I be if I denied a woman this sort of request?

So, yeah, we killed her and I entered the fade and found the desire demon. And for once found a rational being. Did you know that she was willing to make a very reasonable deal with me where she would leave for a while and not come back until some later date when it wouldn't inconvenience me? Would you have thought that she'd even offer me awesome stuff for me being willing to work with her? I swear. Demons get such a bad rep. Especially seeing as they're actually super logical when you just make it clear that if they're not, they're going to regret it. So much better than most humans.

Anyway, she offered me a lot of choices, but sadly would only let me pick one. I was totally tempted to go with "the best night of my life" choice, but, you know, pleasure is ephemeral, while the ability to be a blood mage is permanent. So, yeah, I'm going to be able to control other people's bodies soon. Which means that everyone will have to do what I want, or else I'll just make them. It'll be awesome. ^_^

Next thing I know, the whole castle is back to normal, other than the nearly dead Arl Eamon. Teagan told me that I needed to go and find some stupid ashes to cure him. Ugh, I don't want to. Why do I have to do everything around here? But Teagan told me that they won't summon the Landsmeet until Arl Eamon is OK, so whatever. I guess I'm going to find some stupid ashes. Then we can summon the Landsmeet and I can either depose Loghain and put Alistair and myself on the throne, or if that doesn't work, apologize to Loghain and explain how my whole "treason" thing was just a big misunderstanding. (And blame it all on Alistair. Yeah, that could work. Hey, he's the senior warden, right? And he's twice my size. How could cute little me be the leader? Yeah, if things get ugly, this was all totally Alistair's idea and he _made_ me do it despite that I begged him to support our rightful rulers like a true patriot.)

So off to get some ashes! Let's make this fast. Time's a wasting!

Neria

Dear Diary,

When we got back to camp, Alistair totally confronted me about Isolde's death and told me that I should have found another way of "saving" Conner. Oh, well, excuse me, Mr. Templar. Like _I'm _the resident expert in magic. Actually, I kind of am, but whatever. That just means that Alistair should trust my expertise in these matters.

Anyway, I told him that I thought everything had worked out for the best, and he calmed down a lot and went away. Although he still looked pretty sad. So I gave him this necklace that I "borrowed" from Arl Eamon's study that had a tag on it that said "Alistair's Mother's Amulet." (Yeah, I tried to give it to Morrigan, but she didn't want it. WTF? I thought that she liked necklaces. That woman is crazy.)

Suddenly his face lit up and it seemed like he had completely forgiven me for whatever he was unhappy about. It was kind of cute. So I took a few other useless things out of my bag and gave them to him and he became super happy. Then, seeing as he was in a good mood and all, I invited him back to my tent.

OK, so he was definitely a virgin. But it wasn't bad. I mean, I'd far prefer an inexperienced man who liked taking direction to an experienced man who thought he was the best thing ever, but actually just kind of sucked. So I'm thinking that this could work. He'll need a few more pointers before he's quite up to my usual, but it's not like I've got anything better to do between now and getting back to Teagan, right? Besides, it's kind of fun training my future husband. ^_^

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, it seems as though that random house I looted in Denerim had the map to the Sacred Ashes! I am so psyched!

It's actually kind of funny how everything that I do seems to have some great cosmic importance. I have decided that it is because I am the center of the universe. I'd always sort of felt that way, but now have proof. I love being me.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, killed off a bunch of lunatic townspeople and made it into the temple. This random guy we picked up somewhere in the town seemed super impressed, but whatever. The temple is really just a lot of old stuff.

Old stuff with lots of opportunities for killing and looting. OK, so maybe not that bad.

Anyhow, after a point, got to the leader of the crazy people who very sensibly decided to talk to me. The leader told me that if I just defiled some stupid ashes, I could "join their family". Now that sounds really, really hot. I just hope that the initiation is better than that of the stupid Grey Wardens. I bet it is, though, as the leader has this totally malevolent, sexy look on his face. Oooh, I know exactly where this "initiation" is going. Mmm...I am totally up for it. So! Going to defile some ashes!

Anyway, got to the place right before the ashes and had to talk to some stupid guardian who wanted to know if I felt sorry about betraying Jowan. Hell no! He preferred that fat cow Lily to me. He's lucky to still be alive, considering. What I regret is offering to help Irving. That bastard totally betrayed me to the templars. Oh well, I'll get him back someday.

Anyway, that answer seemed to make the guardian happy, so I solved some really easy puzzles then got to go and grab the ashes. Of course, before we could do so, we all had to get naked, which was awesome in the case of Leliana and Alistair, and not so awesome in the case of Wynne. Note to self: Next time I have a quest that involves nudity, do not bring along the 60-something woman. Ugh. I did not need that. Luckily, as an elf, I will sag much less at her advanced age than she does. There are benefits to smaller breasts.

I cleverly grabbed a few pinches of the ashes (OK, most of those in the urn – hey, if they're actually magical, I'm going to want a lot of them, right?) before I desecrated them, then totally poured the blood on them just like Kolgrim had asked for.

Unfortunately, this had the unintended consequence of having the guardian, some of his guards, and Wynne attack me. Oh well. I killed them without any real problem because I am, after all, ridiculously awesome. Also, unlike them, I am smart enough to know that you kill the healer _first_.

Kind of sorry to lose my healer, though. On the other hand, I never really liked Wynne. And maybe Morrigan can heal? That would be pretty convenient. And finally I'd have someone in my party who is totally up for killing and looting, unlike the dweebs I am currently surrounded with. Sorry, Wynne, but Morrigan is a lot cooler than you are (at least if she can heal).

Anyway, looted what remained of the shrine, then went out to meet Kolgrim.

And I saw that he'd brought friends!

I just knew that I was about to get my reward for destroying that useless relic. I approached Kolgrim and could already see him and his "family" drawing me behind a pillar. They would circle around me, shielding my body from the eyes of my betrothed, then rip my robes from my flesh. A dozen hands would slide over my soft skin, touching every nerve before the first plunged...

Anyway, I should concentrate on whatever Kolgrim is doing for my initiation ritual. I am sure that this is going to be even better than my imagination!

Sadly, not. It appears as though his stupid initiation ritual just involves drinking blood. Whatever. I've already done this. And I did not just lose my healer just to drink some blood and gain an ability that mages can't even use.

So, yeah, I killed him. And his followers. And just to really get back at him, I totally summoned his Goddess and then killed her and ripped off her skin. Oh, yeah, and then I went through the tunnels and killed every last sacred dragon there and ripped of its skin, too!

Just remember this if you ever try to defy me!

I wonder how much dragon pelts sell for?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So got back to Redcliffe, awakened Eamon, got another ability that I can't even use, and listened to him explain how Loghain actually is the best person to lead the country outside of Alistair and how there is going to be a civil war caused by our actions. Awesome. I might feel bad if I wasn't on Alistair's side and about to marry him. But, you know, the only people who are going to die in the war are some dumb nameless peasants who I've never met, so whatever.

I asked if we could just call the Landsmeet right then and get this whole stupid ordeal over with, but Eamon insisted that I gather the rest of our armies. Whatever. I do not want to do this, but Eamon is being difficult and won't call the Landsmeet until then, so eh. Being Queen had better be worth all this effort. Although I do not see why I have to do everything around here. Why can't Eamon gather the armies? Or Alistair? Or Teagan? Or someone who actually cares?

To celebrate, I invited Teagan into my chambers to discuss what we'll be doing at the Landsmeet. Alone. Unfortunately, he still seems to be grieving. Over Isolde? Weird. I wonder what was going on between them. Anyway, not going to worry too much about it as I'm sure he'll be up for something once he's gotten a chance to get over this and realize that his new Queen is the most gorgeous woman in the world.

Neria


	14. Interlude: Isolde

Interlude: Isolde

_Author's Note: Yes, I know. Everyone hates Isolde. I feel bad for her because of that. So this will probably not be funny, but I don't care. If you hate Isolde, you can just ignore this bit and get to the silly parts later on._

_Also, on a spur of the moment thing, decided to do Orzimmar next. Any ideas? Please? Please? ^_^_

So it is now that I contemplate the life I have lived and hope that in the eyes of the Maker, I am found worthy. Oh, Maker, I had never meant it to come to this. Truly, I had never. And if my death can in some way restore my family, and allow my son his life, then I am content, even if I should never again see the fresh light of the dawn.

I had never liked Redcliffe. I was just a girl when I was torn from home and family, told to marry a stranger ten years my senior. I knew that I would move to a country that was so different from home as to be a world apart. I never learned its language, or its customs, and was always seen as "the Orlesian", rather than as the "Arlessa". And the only person for me, at first, in this new life, was my husband. And it seemed, initially, that he did not even care for me. It was girlish I know now, to think that he would immediately fall into my arms and do all those romantic things that girls of sixteen dream of. Arl Eamon was not a chevalier to write romantic poetry, or go down on one knee for me. My Mama warned me of this on my wedding day, so I knew that my fantasies were the stuff of novels, not reality. But, oh, how I hoped otherwise. I thought that perhaps I would be fortunate enough to marry a man who did all the things a girl dreams of. But even resigned to fact, I had not expected him to have a bastard son who he preferred to me.

Ah, Mama, how I feared during those first four years, before I bore a child of my own. How I knew that my husband would cast me aside for my barrenness, and send me home, disgraced, to my family. How I knew that he would adopt the boy and marry the child's mother. He tried to soothe me. Oh, I think that Eamon was a good man, and did love me in his own way. But I knew. I knew that sooner or later, he would tire of my charms and this would be that. He would tire of me, adopt his son, and force me to return home to live in a back room like some maiden aunt. I feared this until he sent the child away to the chantry. Where he belonged. It is to the chantry that orphans and bastards are given, and it is a good life to serve. Then just a year later, I became with child. The Maker smiled with delight on my husband's decision, and we were happy.

Still, I was weak. So very weak. In so many ways. And the Maker punished me for my weakness. The child I had borne showed signs of my curse, and I feared.

What was I to do? Abandon my only son, who I loved more than life itself, to where I could never see him again? Never hold him against my breast? Never watch his sweet face as he slept? Never again hear the sound of his laughter? Admit to my husband that it was my transgressions, the taint within me, that had taken the child we both loved more than life itself? No, no, no! I could not.

The apostate had claimed that he had left the tower for love. It was like something out of a minstrel's tail. It seemed an act of kindness to offer him forgiveness, to give him a place in my home, teaching my son. Helping to remove the taint from within him, in a way that it could on longer be removed from me. Offer salvation to one of us, at least.

I did not think it would come to this. That it would end this way.

I am sorry. For what it means, I am sorry.

I truly wish that I could go to my death with a clean heart. I wish that my actions, silly and impractical, girlish and foolish, had not caused things to come to this.

But know that what I did, I did for love.

_Thanks to those who critique! And those who don't, but keep reading this anyway, despite their better judgment. Special thanks to Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, and roxfox. It really helps to know that people are still reading this and enjoying, rather than throwing tomatoes from a distance!_


	15. Interlude: Leliana

Interlude: Leliana Loves

_Author's Note: Well...I had to include Leliana, right?_

So, that romance did not go so well. I do not understand it. My vision was quite clear. The Maker asked me to do His bidding, and when I did so, I was rewarded with Neria. It was glorious! Our coming together was like a blessing from heaven, divine gratitude for doing the Maker's will! It was like a rain in a drought, a rose blooming in desolation, an oasis in a desert, a bad metaphor in a similie! Then it all fell apart.

In a rather nasty way, too. Do you know how humiliating it is to have a totally dorky templar come up to you and tell you that your relationship is over because he's about to sleep with your now ex-girlfriend?

Very. Even more humiliating than finding yourself at a ball in the same dress as someone else. Even if the ball is the mid-winter masque, and the most important people in the kingdom are there. Yes, it truly is that bad! I'd rather wear Ferelden shoes to an Orlesian masque than have Alistair break up with me again! Truly!

I find myself sad that Neria wasn't willing to bring this up with me. Am I that hard to talk to? Surely she could just tell me, "I actually prefer men now, thanks, bye!" without having to make the man in question tell me this. It just seems so needlessly hurtful. We could have had a long discussion about our feelings for each other and other people, and it could have ended when I gave her a detailed description of exactly what she should wear on each of her dates with Alistair. It would have been so much fun! Why did she steal this experience from me? I like dressing people up. Surely she knows this, after our many long conversations?

Oh well. Maybe the Maker is questioning my taste in women. And telling me not jump into relationships so quickly. And see impending relationship failure before I have to be told that my relationship is over by someone I'm not even seeing. After all, had I not entirely trusted Marjolene with my heart and soul, I might have been able to see that she was about to betray me. And had I not let myself fall head over heels in love with Neria just because she was the only one in the party who shared my love of fashion and rambling stories, I might have avoided this heartbreak.

I will just remind myself to never again fall in love with someone just because they give me lots of gifts. I will keep my fruit forbidden to anyone who does not truly love me. And I will demand that those who do love me demonstrate it in a way that is a bit more impressive than giving me a few weeds that she happened to encounter over the course of a month.

But she told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her! Why, oh why? Was she just lying to me about that? Was I not the best thing to happen to her? Or was I, but she just doesn't like redheads?

Next thing I know, I'll find that she had ulterior motives about protecting me from Marjolene, too...

Then again, it probably wouldn't have worked out. After all, she is an elf, and a Ferelden, and a mage. All of which are probably best for me not to get involved with on a permanent basis. Plus her desecration of the most sacred relic in the religion that I follow sort of made it clear that we have some fundamental spiritual differences. So, yeah, maybe I'm just as glad to be out of that relationship.

Besides, she and Alistair are just so cute together that it makes me feel giddy! Who can be upset about things like defiling the body of my prophet or Neria's rather odd break up techniques when they get to watch two cute people snuggling by the camp fire?

Oh, wait, that's Alistair trying to cuddle with Neria, as Neria tries to feel him up. Sort of not so cute, now that I think about it. Actually, rather creepy. But creepy in a cute way! Just like ripping people's eyelashes off and keeping them in jars. Right? Right?

Although it looks as though Neria is making progress. Hmm. I will have to ask her how Alistair is in bed after I forgive her. Actually, I'm pretty curious now. So, forgiveness granted! The Maker wants us to forgive others, right?

Plus, you know, as long as Neria's with Alistair, Teagan is totally mine. Mwah hah hah...


	16. Interlude: Teagan Talks

Interlude: Teagan Talks

_Author's Note: Part of me wonders why I feel the need to include every last random NPC. But, you know, trying to write for characters that I know little about and do not empathize with really stretches my abilities. Probably in the wrong way._

I think I need new allies.

Yes, yes, I know that I'm not exactly in the position to quibble about who is willing to defend Eamon's town. But, seriously, Alistair? An insane nun? A rather geriatric mage? An elf who is taking far too much delight in breaking into every house in the town and looting everything she can carry off in her scrawny arms?

But they're willing to help, so I guess that I'm stuck with them. We certainly can't defend the town against the monsters on our own, and I truly do not want Neria to leave, seeing as this would likely result in the death and reanimation of all of the villagers. Not to mention, I'd probably be nearly killed, then left for dead on the floor of the Chantry, just waiting for someone to patch me up so that I could help them storm the castle and fail at saving the day.

No, considering the options, I suppose that Neria will have to do.

But, seriously, did she have to waste valuable time asking me to meet with her to "discuss strategy", then insist that we go swimming? We have a village to defend, woman. Besides, that lake is probably filled with the decomposing corpses of the undead. The idea of swimming in it is absolutely disgusting.

Plus, fish poop in lakes. I hate even the idea of fish poop.

It was good to see Alistair, at least. I'd missed the kid. I even kind of feel bad about the whole "sending him to the Chantry" thing. At the time, I remember it seeming like a very logical decision. He and Isolde never really got along. He'd just been sleeping in the stables, anyway. And the Chantry is usually where bastards are sent. Besides, they told us a year into it that he'd been recommended for Templar training, which is a great honor, so I figured that things were going well.

And, you know, we all thought that he'd like the idea of being a Templar. I mean, Cailan was always incredibly envious that he didn't get to hunt mages and that his little bastard half brother did. (In fact, I think he was so envious that he told me that he had started a new game with Anora. Something along the lines of "the templar and the very penitent apostate". Which would be hot, if it didn't involve my little nephew playing it.) So it just didn't seem all that bad. I mean, sure Alistair had hated the idea at first, but surely he'd be happy there, after a period of adjustment.

In retrospect, OK, I guess it was not such a great idea and all seeing as Alistair never did adjust. But he's a Grey Warden now, so it all worked out for the best.

Especially considering the only other option. Yeah. I mean, it might have worked, but we'd really be screwed now had we let Loghain adopt him.

I'd actually sort of liked the idea at the time. Eamon was only 19 when Alistair was born, which wasn't old enough to start a family. And Loghain had insisted that he and his wife had always wanted more children, just were told not to try after Celia had nearly died while giving birth to Anora. They both insisted that Anora really needed a younger brother and that she'd probably adore Alistair once he was old enough to help her construct her model kingdom out of building blocks and testify at her mock trials. Besides, Loghain was great friends with Maric, and would be delighted to raise him as family, despite that he wasn't related to either of them. In fact, since Anora was going to marry Cailan, Alistair could even inherit the teryn-ate. He would be raised properly, as befitted the son of a king, inherit one of the most prestigious titles in the land, and everything would work out perfectly. Really, the plan made a lot of sense.

Of course, Eamon had insisted that the boy stay with family (although I'm not quite sure how Alistair is any more closely related to us than any other noble, other than those damned MacTir's, who aren't really nobility, anyway), so we kept him. Which is a great thing now, as we can tell him to overthrow Loghain (who he seems to hate – yay!) and become king. And then Eamon can become his chancellor, and we can control the entire kingdom.

This whole plot would have completely failed did Alistair see Loghain as his distant, yet loving father, rather than as the killer of his distant, yet loving father. Or for all that, did Alistair see Anora as his sadistic, yet beloved, older sister who he'd always secretly lusted after.

Which is kind of how Cailan saw her, but don't tell her that. She is scary when she is angry. And I still don't entirely understand the whole Cailan/Anora relationship dynamic, other than that he did what she told him to and apparently liked it. A lot.

Well, Anora is the most beautiful woman in Thedas. And people are strange. Especially Cailan. Who I kind of miss now, seeing as I now only have one other nephew left to spoil, provided that Conner gets out of this alive.

Hopefully he does. If he doesn't, Eamon is going to be after me to get married, and I like playing the field. So, yeah, go Conner! Hang in there, kid!

And I bet that it will all work out for the best, seeing as Eamon has always wanted to control Ferelden, and now will get to through Alistair, provided everyone survives. Which is great, as I'd hate to make my older brother unhappy. And Anora is kind of a bitch, so I'm completely up for trying to take her down. Hmmm...take Anora down. Now that sounds like a lot of fun. I'm totally going to do something with that image later tonight...

Although this is all assuming that we don't die in tonight's battle. And that somehow big brother is miraculously saved. But, you know, I'm an optimist. I'm sure that something good will happen. And if not, I'll just marry some wealthy girl who lives in Redcliffe village and live happily ever after. Or at least give Alfstanna some really good gossip to share about me in the Gnawed Noble tavern.

_Thanks to all who review/favorite/whatever. Especial thanks to those who helped with the next chapter – Orzammar_


	17. OrzaWhatever

Orza-Whatever

_Author's Note: I am delighted to say that something this demented did not spring from my mind alone. In particular, I have these lovely ladies to acknowledge (I think they're ladies – I haven't met most of them – if I got your gender wrong, I greatly apologize!) for some of the more disturbing notions in this section. Thanks to Sarah for her commentary on dwarven politics, Enaid for some Orzammar descriptions, Jessica for lyrium references, and Jenn for almost all of the most demented thoughts Neria has about some of the monsters in the deep roads. I blame this story entirely on you girls. ;)_

Dear Diary,

So, I decided that I'd recruit the dwarfs first. Mostly in that I have nothing against dwarves, while I don't particularly like elves. Before you give me weird looks, it's a perfectly rational attitude for an elf to have. It's not exactly like we're well loved in Ferelden, and elven half breed children pass for their non-elf parent. So why in the hell do we keep reproducing with other elves? It's like, OK, how stupid would I have to be to say, "well, I could have a child who would be a normal part of society or I could have one who will be considered to be an inferior species by everyone, but I think that I'll go for the second because I have a fetish for men with pointy ears". Ugh. I just do not like my species. So illogical.

Anyhow, I think that hitting the dwarves first was a good idea as their capital city (Orza-something or other) is amazing. Big. Powerful. Hard. Hot. Gritty. With molten lava running through wide channels and warm, wet passages. This is my kind of town.

If only they portrayed the paragons wearing a little less...

Anyway, I wandered about trying to figure out who to talk to in order to get my armies so that I could make Eamon summon the Landsmeet and become Queen. But people kept bugging me. Like this one little dwarf who really wanted to study magic, and wanted my help arranging a visit to the tower. And this stupid missionary who wanted me to get him permission to hold prayer meetings. (Why couldn't he just ask for himself? Seriously, why does a dwarf expect me to be better at navigating dwarven bureaucracy than he is?)

Then there were the more entertaining quests. Some guy wanted me to help him smuggle some stuff, which sounded pretty hot, so I agreed. And another wanted me to help him "wrangle some nugs" for him which has to be a euphemism for something good, right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, apparently nugs aren't quite what I thought they were. Or at least what I thought they were when someone described them as "little pink, hairless pigs". Oh well. At least Leliana thinks that they're cute, which doesn't mean much as, to her, everything is cute, but whatever. I gave her one, she got even crazier, then decided to ask me about how Alistair is in bed.

I gave her the usual details. Size. Shape. Stamina. Performance. Ability to use other parts of his body to perform various techniques. It was pretty fun, until Alistair broke us up and demanded that we stop talking about him. Not sure why. I was mostly saying good things. Seriously. You'd think that he'd like that I was complimenting him. Whatever. Men make no sense.

Morrigan was a bit curious, too. I find this interest in Alistair's performance on the part of all surviving female party members to be a bit odd. Do they not understand that he is mine, and will therefore be entirely disappointed in them even if they do manage to talk him into bed? Seriously, girls, back off. (At least unless you want me and Alistair, in which case, welcome!)

We also visited the Shaperate, which brought back some old memories. Awww...I miss the library at the tower so much. You have no idea how much fun I had there. There was this absolutely amazing bookshelf that was tucked so that that if you got all the way into the corner, no one could see you from the main hall. Oh, and it was in the history section, so people rarely went into that section for books. Toss in a few bored apprentices and some easy to hitch up robes, and you had my favorite location in the place. I really miss being there.

So I decided to return. Kind of random, but whatever. The place has been cleaned up a lot since I was there last. One of the templars was even on hands and knees scrubbing off the remains of one of his buddies from the floor. Hot. I've have asked him to do something, but Alistair was sort of watching me so...whatever. I guess I can resist for now as long as I get to be Queen, although I'm totally ripping off Alistair's clothing once we get to my favorite library nook. I did remember to bring the smuggled goods to someone who paid me a lot for them, but Alistair got kind of pissed off about it, so I guess my smuggling days are over if I want to stay in his good graces.

Alistair's kind of a pain. I can't wait to be Queen so that I can dump him.

I also forgot to ask about the little dwarf girl, but whatever. If I see her again, I'll just tell her that everyone said it was OK for her to come to make her leave me alone. Hey, if she gets to the tower and it's not OK, what's the worst that'll happen? She can just go home, right? And a little sunlight and fresh air never hurt anyone.

It's a good plan.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, apparently the dwarves don't have a king right now, and only the king can send me the troops I need to make Eamon stop annoying me. This sucks. There are two noblemen who want to be king, but they both keep telling me that I need to do all this stupid stuff to make them king. Then they'll actually help me.

But, whatever. I guess that I'll just have to help one of them to get this over with. 

So at first I was leaning towards Bhe-something or other, seeing as he's younger and cuter than Harrow-something or other. But when I asked him just what he was willing to do in exchange for my help, he gave me a blank look. When I made my desires a bit clearer, he explained to me how the mother of his child just lost her sister to a crime lord a few months back and he really can't cheat on her now. WTF? He's turning me down just to make some red haired trollop happy? Whatever. In that case, I'm going with Harrow-something. I totally hope that he kills Bhe-something and the fat girl and the fat girl's bastard son for this.

Actually, looks like he will. Sweet! So I'm definitely going with Harrow-something, then.

Anyhow, the first thing he wanted me to do was something called a "Proving", where I had to "prove" myself in an arena against lots of men and a few women with "very big swords". Oooh...now that sounds sexy!

Unfortunately, it wasn't quite what I had in mind. But it did involve killing lots of people and proving myself to be the best fighter in the kingdom, so I guess it wasn't that much less satisfying than what I had thought I wanted. I think that me and this Harrow-guy are going to get along great!

Then he wanted me to take down this sexy-crime lady called Jarvia. Mmmm...sexy crime lady. I even let this other dwarf out of jail so that he could help me "take her down", but unfortunately, when I got to them, neither was interested in my version of the best way to take Jarvia down. Ugh. Dwarves can be so puritanical. So I killed both of them in vengeance, then arranged their bodies in amusing positions and decorated them with the costume jewelry and daggers I found lying about the scene just to make an entertaining tableau for the police to find.

I can't wait to see what they make of it! I may even have to start reading the papers!

Neria

Dear Diary,

You'd think after all of that that Lord H. would be OK with just taking the throne and letting me have my army. But no. He wanted me to find something called a "Paragon" and bring her back.

I was totally about to storm out and refuse until he told me that this "Paragon" was located in the Deep Roads. Hmmm...Deep Roads? Like, "I want you in my deep roads?" Sweet! Totally going to try to find this "paragon" in her "deep roads".

Neria

Dear Diary,

OK, so deep roads not what I thought they were initially. Also, jerky dwarves will only let four of us in at a time, which is annoying as I had to leave all the hot members of my party behind. (Grrr...irritating Alistair, Leliana, and random dwarf we just picked up for no explicable reason. I wish that the first two were not so useful, and that the last hadn't insisted on joining us.) But, whatever. I'm sure I won't be down here for long anyway, right? Right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So. I should have brought more supplies. There are a few good things about this place, though.

My favorite so far are all of the untapped lyrium veins. Every time I walk by one, I can't help but rub my hands over it and feel my energy spike. This stuff is like the best thing ever! Having it around me all the time makes me almost unable to stop talking and gives me this almost uncontrollable need to ravish Alistair in virtually any out of the way corner. Luckily, Alistair seems to have a similar reaction to it, so he's been pretty game for the experience. Which is odd, but I guess templars like lyrium, too. And maybe Alistair isn't quiet as uncool as I thought.

Although I am kind of wishing that he'd stop talking so much. Seriously. I do not need an even more talkative Alistair. And here I'd thought that he was incapable of holding his tongue prior to the lyrium...

All the same, I'm totally going to shave off some of this stuff for later. And then whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I can just snort a bit of lyrium dust and feel better. I think I may have to keep Alistair away from my stash, though.

I'm also a big fan of the golems. They are just so totally awesome. I mean, here they are, these gigantic men of stone and steel, just standing around, waiting for a command. I wonder if they're...um, equipped to scale. Or what I could do with one of their control rods. I've totally got to find one and experiment...

Neria

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what it is about this place. Maybe it's the spiders lurking around every corner or the armies of undead. Perhaps it's the rotting flesh sacks that litter the ground? But something about it gives me this almost overwhelming need to have dark, brooding sex that will eventually have major plot implications.

Unfortunately, neither Alistair, Oghren, nor Leliana seem like good candidates for dark, brooding sex. I really wish that I had more party members who, you know, liked it when the monsters beat on them or could pick locks, so I could take them rather than the two nerds I have to bring everywhere with me for a balanced party. I bet that if Morrigan were here that she'd have dark, brooding sex with me.

I can just see it now! I would be horribly upset about having to tolerate Alistair and so would wander off to a stream that had appeared out of nowhere to wash my robes. Morrigan would tag after me, watching me just to make sure that I was safe, because she's all sweet and kind like that (at least in my imagination). She'd realize that I was crying about Alistair not treating me well enough, and would try to comfort me by telling me that I deserved better, but that Alistair needed both of us and relied on our strength.

She would think that she had gone too far, but I would insist that she stay and draw her to me. We would kiss, and the good stuff would happen, and it all would be perfect.

Seriously, why didn't I just kill that drunken dwarf and take Morrigan with me instead?

Neria

Dear Diary,

Food and water are running out. I think that we've been traveling in circles for the last month and a half. I hate this place.

Luckily we did run into this one crazy dwarf who called me pretty (awww...I love him now, although he wouldn't stick around to let me demonstrate that love) who sold us some supplies, and some legion of the dead guys were willing to hang out with us and sort of share food and water. One even offered to "come to the surface with me" after this was over, which makes me think that I may have a chance with him. Sweet!

Sadly, I think that I may have killed the only other person I had any immediate chance with. OK, so "person" may be stretching it a bit, but I was definitely thinking that I could have a bit of fun with the Broodmother.

I mean, seriously, those tentacles? Those breasts? It was like something out of my most fevered imaginings! I could just see her suspending me in the air with one of her tentacles, then caressing up my leg with another one all the way to my wet...

Of course, what she actually did with her tentacles was no where near as fun. I blame Alistair's violent jealousy. I would have tried to stop him, but I was so busy getting into my tentacle-monster appropriate Tevinter robes that I completely missed that he was swinging his sword at my newest potential fetish.

And, no, I mean his metal pointy sword, not the sword that would have made that scene completely and totally awesome. Because, you know, if he'd done that, it would have been something worthy of the epic ballad that will eventually be written about me.

His reactions can be so irritating. Although, considering the amount of lyrium he's been exposed to, his insanity may just have been caused by that. I should give him some allowance for insanity. Well, at least until after the Landsmeet.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I met the best dwarf ever today! Branka is totally hot. Intelligent, attractive, ambitious. Oh, and did I mention that she's into women and likes building golems? This woman is like my soul mate!

I can even forgive her for trapping us in a death maze and making us solve problems to get her the anvil of the void. She's just that hot. As soon as Alistair's not looking, I'm totally going to propose our own "deep roads" adventure.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, um, after siding with Branka and getting a golem army, I talked to my new drunken dwarf party member. Apparently he was married to Branka once, and said some stuff about what happened to the last women who joined her on a deep roads adventure.

So maybe I'm not going to sleep with Branka after all. She's pretty hot, and I have to admit that an entire party of lesbian dwarfs sounds completely and totally amazing, but some things just aren't worth it, you know?

Neria

Dear Diary,

Yay, so the H-guy is king, and the streets are running with blood! Some of it that of B-guy and family! Nice to see a politician who finally keeps his promises! Oh, and I have my dwarven army now, and a golem army, so Eamon has to call the Landsmeet now, right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So...Eamon is not willing to take the substitution of a golem army for an elven army, despite that it is completely and totally superior. If I did not need him to make me Queen, I would kill him right now for false advertising. Grrr. Off to find the stupid elves, then.

Neria

_Thanks to those who inflate my ego by saying something. The list has gotten long, although I have a feeling that half on it have stopped reading. Special thanks to Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Bored, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox! I am also insanely flattered that some of my stories have ended up in communities, and that most comments are more clever than what I post. OK, so sort of embarrassed by that last bit, but, eh..._


	18. Interlude: Branka Bches

Interlude: Branka B-tches

_Author's Note: I'm unsure whether all of the comments about Broodmother pr0n were positive or negative. If positive, um, OK, we're obviously smoking the same thing here. If negative, I apologize. But this is Neria. What did you expect? Also, I _promise_ that there will be no more tentacle stuff in this fic. Really! Neria will still behave like Neria (chaotic evil and rather insatiable), but at least tentacles won't feature into the plot. Deal?_

WTF is Oghren doing back here? Does he not realize that our marriage is completely and totally over? I told him this just before I filed the paperwork with the Shaperate – I am now a Paragon, and thus a God to our people. He is a worthless drunk who is not even allowed to carry a weapon despite being member of the warrior-caste. Therefore, I can do better, and I want him to crawl back into whatever foul smelling hole he emerged from. Forever.

If he keeps this up, I am never going to like men again. Seriously. What is wrong with him? Does he not get the hint? Does he not realize that I went on a crazed expedition into the Deep Roads mostly to get away from him?

Of course, Hespith was pretty sexy, too. Which helped. Of course, I have to say "was" as she's sort of fallen apart lately. She claims that I don't love her like I used to just because she knows that I would gladly change her into a hideous abomination if it had even a chance of helping me get the Anvil.

Does she not realize that I saved her for last? Just so that we could be together for a while longer? If this is not love, I do not want to know what love is. Hespith is so picky. She cannot recognize a romantic gesture when she sees one.

And she knows that I make romantic gestures as I am not very good at expressing my feelings with words.

Next thing I know, she'll be demanding flowers and candy and ordering me to tell her that I love her. Ugh. She is such a girl!

But circumstances seem to be looking up despite the reappearance of Oghren and Hespith making her ridiculous demands. The elf mage seems willing to help me reach my goal without a long courtship, and she's rather cute, too. I truly hope she makes it past the puzzles. I would hate to have to turn her into a brood mother. Particularly when I can consider so many far more amusing things to do with a sexy elf in the deep roads. I also find myself fancying the red-head. I wonder if she'd be up for something once this is over?

I will certainly be up for some celebrating once I get the Anvil, anyway. Ah, the Anvil of the Void. Only the single most important dwarven artifact ever. Only the sole device that can help us to protect our lands from the darkspawn and possibly reclaim our lost homes. Surely such an item of unimaginable power is worth the lives of my entire household?

Seriously, what else would they have done with their lives, anyway? Played drinking games? Faffed about Orzammar? Married men as useless as Oghren?

Perhaps I seem cruel. But I know that the dwarves lose a few dozen warriors a day to darkspawn attacks, and that a single golem can easily take out a hundred enemies without any real problem. And it's not as though we don't have more than enough souls who would eagerly sacrifice themselves to become golems, provided that it won honor for their families. After all, there are more than enough who join the Legion of the Dead despite that this, too, is a death sentence. And becoming a golem is so much faster of an end than joining the Legion. It seems more humane, really.

Huh. The elf- mage just got past the traps and now it looks as if there's some sort of stupid golem telling them to keep away from the Anvil. WTF? The anvil is mine. The golem does not get to keep me from using it!

Oh, and hey, the stupid golem is Caridin. Weird. I thought he was so cool once, too.

All of my hero worship is gone now. So sad.

This is why I do not like men. So fickle. Build an artifact of unspeakable power one day, decide to destroy it the next when they decide that it is evil. Totally going to kill him. Then maybe Oghren, if I get around to it. And maybe the blonde. Then me, the elf, and the red-head can all celebrate the creation of the first new golem army in centuries together.

I'm the perfect height for human females...

I can't wait!

_I love comments. We all do, don't we? (Ah, so egotistical at heart.) Special thanks to allrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox!_


	19. Interlude: Oghren Oggles

Interlude: Oghren Oggles

_Author's Note: Hey all! Just a reminder, but if you desperately want a character/plot/whatever included, please do let me know and I promise to try. Also, we are slowly approaching Denerim part II, which I have few ideas for other than a visit to an establishment of ill repute and getting some dragons made into armor. Any ideas on your end?_

Heh, so this new party is willing to let me swing the old axe, if you know what I mean. Heh. Definitely thinking that I'll be swinging the old axe at the brown haired girl. She's more my type than the red-head, though it would hardly be polite to turn her down. And I'm the perfect height to, y'know, heh heh...human women. I'm betting that's why they're down here. No other reason for a human to be in Orzammar. And luckily they found just the dwarf for it. Not like other dwarves, I'm always up for a little action. Any kind of action. Just point me in the right direction, and I'll take a swing at it. Or a swig of it. Depends on the action, 'course.

Also, could definitely have some fun with one of the elves. Said one of them was female, but they're both in dresses. Heh. I'll figure out which is which before I give one a tumble. I'm betting that it's the one in the short dress that's a girl. Nice legs on that one.

The elf in the long dress said he was looking for Branka. Kind of miss the old she-devil, despite that she turned into a moss-licking nut rather than the nug humping, branco bucking girl I knew and loved. Still, I bet that Branka would be up for ride on the old pony, if you know what I mean. Both our rashes cleared up after the apothecary, so I'm thinking that she's got no excuse to avoid me. And I bet that she and the rest of the old she devils are ready for a real man in their household. Heh. Then I'll be the only man in her household ready to pleasure a bunch of women who haven't seen a man in over a year. I'd better stock up on mushrooms. I'm gonna need my stamina.

Think I'm going to need a drink if I'm gonna have to talk to Branka again, though. I'll grab a few for the road, then I'll be off to follow the elves. And the red-head. Branka was a red-head. Crazy as nothing else, but a demon in bed. Red-heads are like that. New red-head seems crazy, too. Keeps talking about the Maker and stuff. Heh. I'd like to Make-her. Bet I will.

Heh. The one in the short skirt left, and she took the brunette with her. Gonna hope the one in the long dress is the girl. Think I'll change the gender pronouns I use in my head, just in case.

Hah, I bet it is. Bet she took me with her just so she could take a ride on the old Oghren pony. I've still got it. Bet she'll want me to lick the old moss, muzzle the nug, delve the deep roads, spit shine the old grind stone, twirl the spear, whet the blade...

Heh, just forgot what I was talking about. Maybe I need another drink.

Course, if it was the girl-elf that just left, I can always just clean the old weapon on my own. Give it a good spit shine. Maybe teach the lad how it's done. Not my fault that he's chantry trained and probably barely knows a sword from a hole in his ass.

Heh, if he's chantry trained, maybe that's exactly what he knows...

_Sorry that it's a bit short. Oghren is hard to write! __  
Thanks again to Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox!_


	20. Brecilian What to do with a Werewolf?

Brecilian Forest – Or What to Do with a Werewolf?

_Author's Note: Dwarves are hard to write. So are elves. So gave up on additional, failing dwarf pieces. Hopefully you don't miss them. _

Dear Diary,

So, I finally decided that I'd take my strangely puritanical elven assassin up on his offer to chat. And, gee, why hadn't I thought of this before? Zevran is totally awesome! We have so much in common! I like killing, he likes killing! I like meaningless sex with strangers, he likes meaningless sex with strangers. He even told me all about how people die from different types of poisoning in incredibly gruesome ways. So hot. I can't believe that I didn't think of this whole talking thing earlier. I guess it just reminded me too much of Leliana and her shoe monologues.

But, hey, Zevran isn't Leliana, right? And good thing! Anyhow, I guess that I'll just have to make up for lost time with him.

OK, so, yeah, I know that I'm supposed to be pretending to love Alistair so that he'll make me queen. But, well, I'm not really so great with this whole "temptation" thing. And it appears as though Zevran is into Alistair, and Alistair is pretty girly, so maybe we can find a way to make this work out in a particularly delicious way, if you know what I mean.

Which is odd, as I never really dug other elves before. Too effeminate, and all that.

But...mmm...maybe I just didn't know what I was missing...

Neria

Dear Diary,

Zevran's sexy message totally lived up to its promise. Not sure that I want to get out of bed now, seeing as _all _of my muscles are now relaxed. Blight, shmight. I'm feeling better than I have in ages. Even better, Alistair's been remarkably cool about my whole "sleeping with Zevran" thing. I mean, like, despite that he's seen us making out by the fire and me going into Zevran's tent and all that, he hasn't even acted as though he notices. Which is weird, as he's always acted so jealous of my potential love interests in the past. Are you seeing menage a trois too? Because I totally am.

I am definitely marrying the right man!

Neria

Dear Diary,

We were attacked last night by darkspawn. I was in Zevran's tent, which would have been awkward, except that it's pretty clear that Alistair already knows what's going on and is cool with it.

Anyway, I hung in the back and focused on blowing things up like I usually do, although I "strategically" ripped my nightgown. Sadly, no one noticed. Kind of worried that Zevran is just using me to get at Alistair. If he is, I'm totally going to kill him.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, the Dalish elves live up to my worst prejudices of elves. I'd call them "my own kind", but my own kind are mages, thank you very much. We have superior powers, and are not hostile to outsiders. Actually, generally we're rather excited about outsiders as it means a break from the routine of studying, trying to evade the templars, and placing bets on which apprentice is going to bite it during his or her Harrowing. Of course, the templars often whine about outsiders, but I'm not sure that I like any group of anything that reminds me of _templars_.

Anyhow, the stupid Dalish were incredibly stuck up and told us that they wouldn't give me my army. WTF? The treaty exists because you _have_ to give Grey Wardens an army when asked. This is not a choice, it is a command. I do not care that you are being plagued by wolves. Wolves can be killed at a later date. Now you are being told to kill Darkspawn so that I can go to Redcliffe with my armies, make Eamon call the Landsmeet, and become Queen. This isn't about your silly, mundane whims. It is about the pieces of paper that I hold in my hand and choose to enforce right now.

Besides, the Dalish don't really need to give me an army. Just a few people to impress Eamon, that's all. Surely they could spare just a couple of archers?

Sadly, the Dalish weren't willing to bend even that far. They are so obstinate. They keep insisting that I do something or other with the werewolves. Hate them. Wish they would all die.

Neria

Dear Diary,

To compound the annoyance of wanting me to run errands for them, the stupid elves have all sorts of other problems that they are throwing at me left and right. Why can't anyone do anything around here who isn't me? Do I have some sort of sign hung around my neck that says, "Bring all your troubles to me and I will fix them for a low, low price!"

For example, some stupid guy kept complaining about his wife who'd vanished. I told him that I knew a way to make him forget all about her. But after I told him this, he just burst into tears. Whatever. I do not have time for this.

Also in tears was some woman who had to kill her stupid deer like creature for whatever reason. Not sure why she really cared, but eh. I told her it was going to die, she believed me, and she slaughtered it, so problem solved, I guess. I got a useless amulet out of it, at least.

And then there was some dumb couple who couldn't hook up for some incredibly stupid reason. I tried explaining to them that, in the tower, all that was needed for a hook up was an out of the way corner and fifteen minutes, but they kept whining on and on about other stupid stuff. Finally, I just dragged them both to the edge of the forest and showed them how it is done. They stopped whining. Looked a bit upset, but gave me a book, so it can't be all bad, right?

Note to self: I still hate other elves. Or at least Dalish elves. Incidentally, they suck in bed. Or in my case, up against a tree.

Ick. Now I have splinters in very embarrassing places...

Neria

Dear Diary,

So apparently whatever I'm supposed to do takes place in a forest. The Dalish only let four of us in. I find myself wondering about the significance of "four". The boat to the tower could only take four. The dwarves would only allow four of us to go into the Deep Roads. The tunnels at Redcliffe could only allow four to pass abreast. What is it with this "four" thing?

I bet that it has great, mystical significance. I'm almost regretting fantasizing about Anders rather than paying attention in class, now, as had I paid attention, I might understand this. Oh well. I doubt it's all that important, anyway.

Anyhow, I wandered about the forest for a while, slaughtering cute, forest critters like bears and wolves and curiously mobile trees before finally I came upon something interesting.

Oh, Swiftrunner, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. The six pack abs. The soft fur that just begs to have me run my fingers through it. That long pink tongue that I can imagine sneaking into so many delicious places. And, oh, what he could do with that tail!

Come on. Don't tell me that you wouldn't think the same thing. Seriously, werewolves run around with everything on display for the whole world to see. Would they do that if they didn't want us to take advantage of it? I think not!

I can just imagine one of those trees pinning me to the ground as Swiftrunner approaches with his friends. They slice my robes off with those long, sharp, wicked talons before their tongues dart out and caress my...

Wait? What happened? All the werewolves just ran away. Why? I didn't even get a chance to ask them what they wanted to do with me!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Came upon a particularly pathetic werewolf today. I killed her. But I felt sad about it. Maybe I am developing compassion? Sort of wish that Wynne were still alive to see this. She'd be so proud of me.

I also came upon some ancient tombstones and totally vandalized them for fun. Monsters came out for no particular reason, but I killed them. And then, you know, looted them. They had some impressive armor. Huh. Really wish that I knew why monsters that appeared out of thin air had impressive armor on them. Sometimes the world makes absolutely no sense.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I ran into a crazy guy living in the woods today. He wanted to "play a little guessing game". I'm up for it. I like games. Particularly those that you get to dress up in little maid's dresses for.

So, um, he asked me what my name was. Then I got to ask a question, so I asked him if he was single. His answer was not so clear. But, whatever, like it really matters to most people. Then he asked me my favorite color, which I answered. So I asked him if he'd like me to join him in his tent. He said something that was absolute gibberish, so I killed him.

Yeah, yeah, I know that this goes against my new compassionate moral code, but I'm really not OK with being turned down. And as bad as I am with rejection, I'm even less happy about it when I'm being mocked in the process. Particularly when it's by some creepy old guy who obviously hasn't been laid in years. Seriously! When does this sort suddenly have standards?

Neria

Dear Diary,

Found a talking tree. Suddenly able to walk through a mist. Unsure why. Whatever. Trees that talk in rhymes make no sense, anyway, so not going to over think this one.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Found some ancient "elven" ruins. The quotation marks provided as the ruins were underground, and I don't think that elves have ever lived underground. Then again, I haven't paid much attention to history, so maybe they did. Whatever.

I killed a bunch of critters while there. Including a dragon. Which I skinned. I wonder if there's a reason I keep collecting these dragon skins? Hmm. I think that I'll keep them as trophies and someday hang them on my wall to show how awesome I am to visitors.

Anyway...

Inside the ruins, there was also this weird room with a spirit trapped in a rock that I took. Should probably talk to it, as it might be useful, but whatever. Just going to keep it as a lucky charm for now. Also learned about some ancient elven ritual that involves sealing yourself in a coffin while still alive. Eeek! Have I mentioned that I don't feel much of a sense of kinship with other elves? This is why! Apparently my kind are really macabre and creepy. So glad to be a mage now so that I didn't have to discuss my favorite methods of self-interment in school.

Luckily, killed the not quite dead yet elves and got some more armor. Which seems peculiar, but I never turn down free loot.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, found the lair of the werewolves. Their leader is really hot. Like, seriously, to die for hot. I mean, here I'd though that Witherfang would be this gnarly old dude. But, no, she's like this extraordinarily hot chick who wears absolutely nothing.

Mmmm...I wonder if she's as into elves as much as she's into werewolves? I can just imagine her cupping my chin with the palm of her hand, kissing me, her dark eyes staring into mine, plumbing my soul as her hand...

Oh, yeah, she's saying something about a curse. Whatever. Curse, shmurse. Wait, now Swiftrunner's talking! He just said something about how we could kill all the elves in vengeance. Oh, Swiftrunner, I knew that my lust for you was a sign! You're right! Why didn't I think of this before? If all of the elves are dead, Eamon can't demand that I try to enforce the treaty. It is the best solution to our problems!

Neria

Dear Diary,

The elf slaughter went well. Sure, they whined. They complained. They even pathetically fought back. But they died all the same. Hah. I am pleased with myself. Alistair seemed happy too. He even told me that we work well together. We do, don't we? I agree completely, Alistair. We work so well together when slaughtering our common enemies, that it's as if we were made for each other.

Actually thinking that I may not have given Alistair enough credit. He barely complained about my desecration of Andastre's ashes or my slaughter of the annoying Dalish. He has also so far been ignoring the fact that I'll often sleep with both him and Zevran during the same evening. Oh, and I finally have him pretty well trained to do exactly what I want when we go back to his tent.

I mean, I guess that I might have been kind of unfair to him at first, seeing as he's an ex-templar and all. But I'm thinking that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is a future with Alistair that doesn't involve me killing him shortly after our coronation. One that is totally hot and involves killing all who defy us, then, in celebration, having kinky sex with our bisexual elven assassin.

Oh! I am so going to love being Queen!

Neria

_Thanks again to Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox! I blame many of you for this chapter. Particularly the person who gave me the werewolf idea. I will protect your identity for now, but know that your mind is more demented than mine. Which actually gives me a great deal of pleasure to know. ^_^_


	21. Interlude: Zathrian

Interlude: Zathrian

Today I met Neria Surana, a lovely member of our tribe with exquisite arcane gifts that have been sorely underutilized. Had she been born in her rightful home, her abilities would have been such as to make her a fine Keeper. But as she was born among humans, instead she is seen as an abomination. A monster. A heretic. In fact, she is not even familiar with the culture of her own people. From speaking with her, I have gathered that she was taken from her family before she even knew them, forced into a life of servitude, a prison!, and made to become like her captors.

I feel sorry for her. There should be great shame among the humans to have forced one of our own into this sorry state. Particularly one with such skill in the arcane arts.

And what poor Neria Surana has come to! She was impatient and irritable when I spoke to her. Her identity seems confused. She told me that she is aligned with the Grey Wardens, rather than with her own people. Again, I blame her lack of upbringing. In her world, she has never been allowed to understand the sanctity of her heritage. She does not know about the near immortal legacy of the elves, and the sacred past that they cherish. No, to her, we are nothing more than a race of humans with pointy ears and slim figures. How I wish that I could have taken her from her group and forced her to listen to the history of her people.

As it was, she ignored us. Listened to me tell her about how the werewolves needed to be killed, then vanished off into the forest to kill them as though they were just game animals, rather than a dire threat to all of our people. I heard reports, as she made progress. About how she had killed just a few of the many werewolves that are plaguing us. Then proceeded to desecrate the graves of our ancestors.

It saddens me so much that things should come to this. To where one of our own would destroy the sacred resting places of those who have undergone Uthenara for the good of their people. To where one will loot the sacred ruins of our ancestors that should be maintained for generations, then carefully excavated by the most skilled of archeologists. My heart is in pain over the deeds of Neria. Did she know what these sacred artifacts meant, she surely would have treasured them as any true elf would treasure his or her heritage.

I blame the humans. Had she been raised among us, I am certain that she would have known better. Would be better. It is all the humans' fault that she is like this.

Still worse, tales filtered in from my tribe about what she had done while here. She had apparently chosen to corrupt Cammen and Gheyna with her lascivious nature, no doubt encouraged by humans who see elves as nothing more than exotic toys. She encouraged the death of a sick halla, without the faintest idea as to how sacred the bond between elf and beast is. Oh, and what she did to Arthas...after that, I fear that the poor man will never recover.

I hesitate to even trust any wood she brings back from the forest. Most likely, it will have come from a still living tree!

How this poor, delicate flower has been corrupted by man! I wish that we could take her among ourselves and reclaim her, somehow. Drive the taint from her, much as I wish we could save our own people from the curse of the werewolves.

How interesting. She seems to be returning. With...werewolves? This seems strangely unusual. Is she bringing them here to kill them in front of us and prove that she has eliminated the menace to our people? But why would she do that?

What? They're attacking us! What has gone wrong? Does she not understand that she was supposed to attack and kill Witherfang, not enlist her help in killing us?

Argh! Ugh. Gurgle. Can't speak. Jugular. Pierced.

_Thanks again to Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox! You all continue to inspire me._


	22. Interlude: Zevran

Interlude: Zevran

_Author's Note: I'm sorry, but there are no good words that begin with the letter "Z". I was considering "Zerg", but that's kind of stupid, isn't it?_

When the Warden invited me back to her tent, I had not expected it to turn out in quite this fashion.

And I mean that in...well, I am not sure how I mean that. It is not that I do not thoroughly enjoy staring lasciviously at Neria. Nor did I dislike hearing her call out my name in passion again and again. And I certainly cannot object to her technique. No. What I feel bad about is Alistair.

I will admit that it is odd to feel so sorry for someone who sought your death. But, as you know, we Crows let bygones be bygones. The past so often gets in the way of a good deal. So why let little things get in the way of what could be a beautiful friendship?

Perhaps this is why I feel sorry for the lad. I suppose that I knew that he cared for Neria when I started my courtship of her. But what was I supposed to do? It is at the whims of this deadly sex goddess that my life hangs in balance. If I should displease her, who knows what she might do with me, mmm? And I am a natural flirt. There is nothing wrong with flirting, no? And if my conversation pleased her, perhaps she would be less eager to slit my throat if she found that I was not so useful to her, no?

But I had not expected her to invite me back to her tent. She had seemed so taken with Alistair. And while I am not one to mind a relationship with more than one partner, Alistair seems less enlightened in that regard. So I had thought that Neria would take his feelings into consideration. Alas, it seems she did not. And, what was I to do? Kick a gorgeous woman who has control over my life out of my bed? I think not!

But now I feel a strange guilt. Perhaps at first I could pretend that the lad did not mind so much. Maybe he liked the thrill of knowing that his love was in the arms of another. (This seemed even more likely considering that Neria would often race from my arms to those of Alistair.) Perhaps he and Neria had an understanding? But as I grew to know both better, I realized that there was no understanding. There was no thrill. Alistair was just too unwilling to risk losing Neria to complain about her behavior.

I am not a good man. I have killed for money as well as pleasure. I was raised by whores and take whatever joy I can find wherever it may be found. But I am not a cheat. I do not run off with other men's lovers under their watchful eyes and pretend that nothing has happened. If I cannot be honest about such things, I would rather not love at all.

Besides, Alistair is breaking my heart. Although he pretends not to know of my and Neria's affair when he is in company, every time he thinks he is not being watched, he bursts into tears. I saw him yesterday, sobbing by the fire, while murmuring, "Neria, I love you. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Someday you'll realize that I'm the only one for you and dump Zevran. And I'll be there waiting. Please. Please do it soon. I love you so much." It was heartbreaking. Truly it was.

So I think that I must break it off with Neria. It has been a pleasure, true, but pleasure is fleeting, and those in my line of work are best not getting too attached.

And perhaps, afterwords, I can discuss with Alistair his need for a skilled assassin. If he is to become King, he will need one. And perhaps he will trust me, knowing that I am the kind of man who can put pleasure aside to get a job done.

_Yeah, yeah, so I probably suck at expressing Zevran. Oh well. I'm not perfect, and if you seduce Alistair then Zevran in game, it is Zev who breaks up with you as he doesn't like "cheating". So I'm not that OOC. Whatever. Again, thanks to Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox! All of you continue to inspire me. More ideas, please? (Moar ideaz, pl0x?) You know I love them. And will likely eventually use them, even if it does involve the tragic death of Schmooples._


	23. Denerim Deux

Denerim Deux

_Author's Note: Yes, I feel bad for Alistair too. Things will look up for him before the end, though. I promise._

Dear Diary,

How strange. It looks as though the werewolves will be filling in for my elven army. And Eamon is totally OK with this substitution. Very awesome. Werewolves certainly seem cooler than elves, anyway.

Although before Eamon calls the Landsmeet, I sort of want to run a few errands. You know, like pick up a pretty dress for my coronation and maybe find some other amusing stuff to do. So, off to Denerim!

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, ran into the two guys who "weren't so interested in the fairer sex" again today. One of them still hates me. The other one, though, really wanted my dragon pelts. Said that he could turn them into armor. How ridiculously awesome! I so want to walk around in the skins of my slain enemies. That totally sends the message of "if you mess with me, I'll kill you, skin you, and wear your flesh on my back". Hah!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Talked to some guy today who wants me to steal stuff for him. Stuff from some guy called "Howe" and his girlfriend, "Sophie". Huh. I kind of hate to do something that might break up a really lovely couple (you see! This is my compassion speaking!), but I do like stealing, so count me in!

I also found Ignacio again and he's admitted that he's part of the Crows. I could kill him for, you know, like belonging to an organization that tried to kill me in the past, but I let Zevran live, and we see how well that turned out! So I decided to run a few errands for him.

Heh, suddenly I'm rich!

Although, just to get richer, I sent Leliana out to pick pocket some really annoying noble woman. I now have a tiara, too! I am going to look so gorgeous at my coronation!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Some sergeant wanted me to go to a brothel and take care of some guys. Huh. I hadn't even realized that Denerim had a brothel. Makes sense. I guess that I've just been really busy seeing as I earlier failed to notice this.

So, anyway, I made it on over there, killed my marks, then watched some incredibly hot woman dispatch some thugs. So, of course I asked if she'd be "willing to show me around below decks".

I have to say that I rather like this woman. She said yes! Then when Alistair started getting all jealous, she invited him along too! Oh, then, just as I thought things couldn't possibly get any better, she invited Zevran as well! I had to start pinching myself, then Alistair, then Zevran, to make sure that I was actually awake.

But then Zevran said no, which kind of pissed me off. Not sure exactly what I've been seeing in him, if he's such a loser that he won't even hook up with me, a hot pirate chick, and Alistair. Oh well, at least Alistair was cool (for once. Or actually more than once. He's been pretty awesome lately). He pleased the pirate chick, too. Pleased her so much that she wanted to keep him. Luckily, I was all "hands off", and she backed away. So it worked out pretty well, although I kind of wish that I could have kept her. Oh well. Can't have everything, I guess.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Back at camp, Zevran started looking kind of upset. I talked to him for a bit, and it looks like he wasn't so into the killing all the Dalish thing as he's part Dalish, or something. Ugh. And here I'd thought that it was Alistair who was the weepy and mopey party member. To cheer him up, I gave him some old boots and gloves that I found and talked to him for a while about some stupid exes. And then he got really happy and told me about how much it all meant to him.

Then next thing I know, he's ordering me to choose between him and Alistair. WTF? I had thought that everything was going so well, too! I told him that I refused to give into ultimatums, at which point he told me that he was tired of sneaking around behind Alistair's back. I do not understand this. Alistair has been like five feet away the entire time we've been flirting. He may not be the sharpest sword on the rack, but even he has to have it figured out that I've been having wild and crazy sex with the other elf. I mean, come on Zevran, even Alistair has got to know what all those offers for "sexy massages" and low moans coming out of one of our tents mean. Ugh. Whatever. If Zevran's going to be this way, I'm better off without him.

Some amoral assassin he is...

Neria

_Thank you kind reviewers. You know who you are, but I like naming you, so here we go. Thanks to Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox!_

_Next up, the Landsmeet!_


	24. Save the Queen!

Save the Queen

_Author's Note: So, for the Landsmeet, I'm going to try a slightly different format. Hopefully you like it. If not, eh..._

Dear Diary,

So, I've finally found Teryn Loghain. After all this time. It's kind of depressing that now that we've finally come face to face, I can no longer support him as he seems rather keen on keeping his daughter as Queen. Especially as he made some really good points about how trying to cause a civil war in the middle of a Blight is a bad idea, and how we all need to work together to save Ferelden. Not that I care that much about Ferelden, but my newly compassionate nature feels a slight twinge of sadness at the inevitable loss of life which will accompany my rise to power.

I am also sad that I will probably have to kill Teryn Loghain. In another life, we could have been friends. Hopefully the hot brunette will surrender before I have to kill her. As I'd really like someone as pretty as her as the captain of my guards. Plus, after she told me to shut my mouth, I'm definitely looking forward to finding some creative ways of keeping hers occupied. ^_^

Neria

Dear Diary,

So. It seems as though elven mages cannot become Queens of Ferelden.

Words cannot describe my fury.

I want to rip Arl Eamon's still beating heart out of his chest, then dance around his body with it in my hands. Then I want to tear Alistair's spine out of his body in exchange for leading me on for so long. Then I want to reanimate them both so that I can kill them again and again, while dancing about in a pool of their blood.

I only did not actually do this as there were guards watching, and I was afraid that all of them together might be enough to take me down. Damn.

But, but, I hate them both so much! How dare they make me do all of this stupid "save the world" crap, then tell me that even after that, I can't be Queen just because of my race and profession.

Damn them both to the deepest of hells. I will have my vengeance. And if they think that I'm going to help them win this "Landsmeet", they have another thing coming.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Huh, how fortunate. Just as I was storming out of Arl Eamon's estate on my way to try to find Teryn Loghain to apologize, an elf approached me. She claimed that she's Queen Anora's handmaiden, and that the Queen has been kidnapped. Oh, and that she is in danger, and that I need to save her.

OK, so I'm really not into the idea of saving yet another damsel in distress. But from what I can remember, Queen Anora is Teryn Loghain's daughter, so she can probably help me find him if I save her. Plus, in exchange for my help, I'm sure that she can smooth things over between the two of us. Just in case Teryn Loghain is upset about the whole treason thing. It'll be perfect!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Queen Anora sounded more pissed off than frightened. I think that the other elf may have been stretching the truth a bit about how Loghain is about to murder her and all that. But I guess that I'm here, so I might as well try to save her and see if she can get me that audience with Teryn Loghain that I've been after for a few years.

While I was looking for the key to her cell/looting the estate, I found a really cool dungeon that was located right next to the bedroom. Really kinky. I guess that the former Arl of Denerim must have been a rather interesting kind of person, huh? Now you may wonder how I know that the guy living here now isn't the current Arl of Denerim. And, well, the reason I know this is because of the hot blonde.

You see, one of the guys in the dungeon claims to have been the former owner of this place, which definitely excited me. I mean, seriously, a hot blonde who loves torture implements so much that he had an entire dungeon of them installed right next to his room? Sign me up! Oh, and he was so eager to escape from his cell. I just knew that he would do anything I wanted if I let him out.

Sadly, no. OK, so he was willing to give me money or a vote in the Landsmeet. But seeing as I intend to align myself with Teryn Loghain as soon as I figure out how to spring Anora, I don't really care for either. So I, ahem, implied what I'd rather do with a handsome man in a rather custom built dungeon...

You wouldn't believe what he said. Get this. He claimed that though he liked elves, he wasn't into ones who were willing.

No one denies me. I totally killed him for that.

The other prisoners were fairly boring. There was some obnoxious guy on a rack, a really shifty looking Orlesian who claimed to be a Grey Warden, and a confused templar. Such a pity. I was hoping for someone like the blonde guy, just who wasn't so hard to please. But you can't have everything, I guess.

Then finally I found the old guy I'd seen earlier with Teryn Loghain. I just knew that this was going to be my lucky day! Obviously this guy knew Loghain, and could bring me to him without even going through the trouble of having to rescue the rather demanding queen.

Huh. I guess that maybe I should have been less obnoxious during our meeting, because rather than bring me to Loghain, this guy just attacked me. Sucks. So I had to kill him. My new found compassionate nature feels really bad about it, though. So sad that we couldn't have gotten off to a better start.

Neria.

Dear Diary,

So, I freed the queen. Before I could even ask her to bring me to Teryn Loghain, she urged me to get out of the estate immediately, and dragged me to the front door.

Hot brunette was waiting for us there with a bunch of guards. She demanded that I surrender. Finally! Someone who's willing to listen to my side of the story rather than just attack me!

As we marched off somewhere, I kept asking her when I could speak with Teryn Loghain. I told her how sorry I was for not killing Alistair when I knew that he was committing treason, and how I'd always really supported the true rulers of Ferelden, despite my seeming actions to the contrary. And how Teryn Loghain was welcome to do anything to me that he thought was necessary to guarantee that what I said was true and to ensure my loyalty. Anything at all. Really, no punishment would be too great for my terrible crimes. Particularly those involving whips, chains, or me kneeling on the cold floor of a cell, pleading for my life as he...

Anyway, she locked me up in a cell and told me that I'd have to wait for Teryn Loghain to make a decision regarding me. After stripping off all of my clothing. We all know what this means! I can't wait!

Neria

Dear Diary,

So. Sten and Oghren just arrived in a ridiculous get up. Told me that they were here to save me and bring me back to Arl Eamon's estate. I tried to explain that I had just left there and had no desire to return. That very soon Teryn Loghain was bound to come by to "ensure my loyalty", and that I had no desire to leave before this delightful event occurred.

Sadly, they didn't listen to me, and Sten is rather large.

I won't describe how they got me out of my cell. It's kind of embarrassing, really. But I can't cast spells once my hands are tied, so am rather helpless when in that state.

Sometimes I hate my party members...

Neria

**Anora Answers:**

I am bored. Very bored. Bored enough to feel sorry for breaking into Arl Howe's estate and poking around until I was caught. Still, it was cruel of him to lock me up without even a good book. I've asked for one on numerous occasions, but have been told that I am being punished for being a bad girl, and that until I learn to behave, I will not get any reading material.

I have tried to explain that I have been in here for many days. That I have learned my lesson and should be let out now. But no. Howe told me that my lesson will not have been completely learnt until after the Landsmeet. I think this is silly. Child development experts have proven that the optimal time out period is five minutes, not five days. But did Howe listen to me? No.

He is going to be very sorry when I get out of here.

Oh, it looks as though Erlinda's back with some people to save me! I yell at them to "get me out of here", before Erlinda explains to me that I'm supposed to have been kidnapped and that supposedly I am in danger of being killed by my own father. Hmmmm...that is a good story, sure to garner sympathy from my rescuers. I will have to remember to sound scared next time, rather than irritated. Hopefully I didn't just blow it with whoever this is. Also, hopefully whoever this is manages to find the papers I was looking for, free any important political prisoners from the dungeon, and kill Howe before freeing me. Especially kill Howe. That bastard deserves it for locking me up without a good book.

Yay, the heroes have freed me! I am unsure what to think of them, seeing as my rescuers seem to be composed of two elves, a giant, and a dwarf, but whatever. I don't know why non-humans are suddenly involved in human politics, but maybe it's just as well that none of them are likely to have designs on my throne. And as long as they get me out of here and bring me somewhere more interesting, I am sure that we will be able to work together splendidly.

I tell them to hurry up and to not tell anyone who I am under any circumstances as we race towards the front door, just to run into Ser Cauthrien when we get there.

Ugh, of course. Just my luck that the person we run into has to be her. Honestly, the only worse person I could have been found by would have been Howe. You see, Cauthrien and I have never really gotten along. I think that it has something to do with how we met.

I mean, if a year after your mother died, your father came riding back to your home with a beautiful teenaged girl on the horse behind him, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist, what would you think?

That he had just found a new daughter that he wanted to replace you with, that's what. Grrr. I just know that Father thinks that Cauthrien's a far better daughter than I ever was. You know, the sort who wanted to do military things with him and never whined about how cold or hungry or dirty she was by the seventieth mile of a hundred mile forced march through the winter. And then Cauthrien would always complain that, whenever I was forced to march with the army, she had to sleep in my tent, rather than where she wanted to sleep, which seemed to make her hate me every bit as much as I hated her.

Huh. Now that I think of it, maybe she wasn't a replacement for me in my father's mind...

Kind of makes sense, now that I'm a bit older. Oh well. If I'd known that their relationship was like _that_, I never would have been so resentful. We might even have been friends. Pity that I hadn't thought of it that way before now.

I mean, seriously. My mother's been dead for well over a decade. If Father hasn't moved on by now, it really just raises more questions than it answers.

I think that if she captures me, that I'll apologize. It's never too late to rebuild a relationship. Plus, you know, if she's going to capture me and have complete and total control over my life for a while, I might as well at least try to get her to like me.

Odd. The Grey Warden just surrendered. And Cauthrien doesn't seem to have noticed me. Yay! Time to escape. I think that I'll head off to Arl Eamon's estate. Seeing as Father knows that we hate each other, it'll be the last place he thinks to look for me.

**Alistair Asks:**

Oh, Neria. Neria, Neria. Why have you left me? Why are you so angry?

I loved you. Still love you. More than anything in the world. You are the only woman I've ever loved, the only woman I ever will love! Surely you'll be back for me soon, right? Surely you'll remember how much I love you and will come back to be with me. Eamon was wrong. We don't have to break up. I'll abdicate the throne if it means that I can be with you. I'll do anything if it means that I don't have to face the horrible prospect of being alone again. Please, Neria, we were made for each other. You're the only Grey Warden left, the only person who remembers Duncan. If you don't love me, who will? I will be all alone forever and ever and ever, and will cry myself to sleep every night just like I did in the Chantry.

Please, Neria, come back. I'll forgive all of the nasty things you said to me after our discussion about me taking the throne. I'll forget all of the names you called me, pretend that you never threatened the life of either me or my beloved foster father. I'll even imagine that you never told me how you intend to find our arch-nemesis, Teryn Loghain, then turn me in as a traitor. Because I know, deep in your heart, that you're still the wonderful woman I love and that you'd never consider doing such a horrible thing.

Please, Neria. Come back. Then tell me you love me again. Please, please?

_I love my reviewers almost as much Neria hates Arl Eamon. Thanks to shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Nithu and roxfox!_


	25. Interlude: Cauthrien

Interlude: Cauthrien

_Author's Note: Thank you Scampermax for pointing out that Neria's revenge is already half-complete, as poor Alistair has no spine as is. I promise that things will look up for him eventually. Really! He's about to get at least a little respect and love._

Wow, do I feel stupid. So that was Anora in the guard's uniform, was it? I can't believe that I didn't recognize her. Especially considering that I was forced to spend most of my teens dealing with her. Even more so when I think that I was only at Howe's estate to release her from her time out. I brought a bunch of guards, too, as Teryn Loghain thought that Howe might want to keep her there until the Landsmeet. Which I _personally_ thought was a great idea but, as you probably know, Teryn Loghain never could do anything that upset his annoying little daughter. So he decided that we ought to allow to go to the Landsmeet since her heart was so set on it.

Oh well. I doubt that she went far. Once I've gotten the Grey Warden into jail, I'll just have to go and look in her usual hiding places. Most likely, she just went back home again and I'll find her at the royal palace drafting a few trade treaties in her office. If she's very upset, she'll be sulking and writing them in the closet or wine cellar, instead.

I was kind of surprised that the Grey Warden surrendered so easily. Does she care greatly about her comrades, and didn't want them to be injured? Might she actually be innocent? Is it possible that in blaming her and the other warden for King Cailan's death, that we've made a terrible mistake?

Well, I suppose that it's possible. Actually, now that I'm listening to her, it seems quite likely. The Warden keeps telling me that they were only with Eamon because Alistair insisted, and about how he forced her to come with him, using his superior size and strength to make her to do treasonous things. She claims that she tried to turn herself in at every opportunity, but that Alistair brutally stopped her from supporting the true rulers of Ferelden.

OK, it seems a little implausible that she's been held captive by Alistair for two years, but I suppose that it's possible that she didn't have a good opportunity to surrender to Teryn Loghain before now. And she seems genuinely interested in helping us. And it's hardly as though we can afford to turn away a supporter. So, sure, I guess that I might as well at least bring her to Teryn Loghain to see what he wants to do with her.

Um, OK, maybe not. She just started detailing what she thinks that Teryn Loghain may need to do to her in order to ensure that her story is true. Um, no, demented elf. Teryn Loghain will _not_ be doing any of that to you. And I most certainly will _not_ be helping him with it. Seriously, is some of that stuff you've mentioned even physically possible? And even if it is, why would you _want_ to do it?

I think that I'm just going to throw her into Fort Drakkon for the time being. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to take off her armor, which will probably just encourage her. But I really don't want someone like her finding a way to escape. I've worked for most of my adult life in turning Denerim into a nice, clean, orderly city and I do not want someone like her loose in it, roaming the streets and harassing the population.

On the other hand, I will have to describe this conversation to Teryn Loghain tonight. I'm sure that he'll find all of this hysterical over a bottle of wine.

DA:O

Huh, so Anora's not back at the palace. She's not at the Gnawed Noble Tavern, either, or in the royal library. Or with Alfstanna, Sigard, Cerolic, or any of her other potential allies. I wonder where she could have vanished off to. I'm sure that she'll turn up, but I'm actually getting a little worried. Not as much so as Teryn Loghain, but still. I wonder where she could have gone? Could she have gotten homesick and decided that she wanted to return to Gwaren?

But why would she go there? She hates that place. And I know that she had her heart set on attending the Landsmeet. There's nothing that she loves better than dressing up and giving speeches. Weird. Well, I guess that she's bound to turn up by then, anyway.

DA:O

How strange. Teryn Loghain actually wants to speak to the demented Grey Warden. I sincerely hope that he isn't interested in her ideas. I mean, he's never seemed even remotely interested in any of that before...

I'm sure that he just believes that there's no reason to turn down any assistance. It has to be that. There is no other logical explanation.

And, um, if he wants to talk to her for some other, illogical reason, I'll just have to see to it that she vanishes quietly. Perhaps sometime late tonight.

Huh? The Grey Warden is gone. And half of Fort Drakkon has been murdered.

Oh, that was just nasty, whoever did that. Don't you know that all those poor guards had families and friends? I just do not understand what is wrong with whoever did this. And even worse, they weren't clean deaths. One of them was cut completely in half, another decapitated, and a third split open from neck to navel.

This is atrocious! Who could do something to a bunch of people who were just trying to earn an honest living? Most of them were decent folks. I knew all of their names, and had met some of their children. I remember trying to encourage Pieter's daughters to grow up and become knights, just like me. Because it's really awesome to encourage girls to have careers in traditionally male dominated professions! And now those poor little girls will never see their father again, and will probably not want to become knights at all, considering.

Poor Pieter. Poor other guards. Poor families.

And poor Teyrn Loghain. I can see him wandering around with a grief stricken expression, gently closing the eyes of the dead and doing his best to be strong and not to cry over the massacre of all of those poor, loyal guards who were just doing their jobs.

I don't know who did this, but I blame the Grey Wardens.

_Thanks to reviewers such as __shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! You probably all deserve a better writer. Like one who isn't about to very temporarily put her fic on-hold to publish a challenge fic about Cauthrien. (Oh, don't whine too much. Someone in it will get to live out Neria's tamest fantasies. Just, um, not Neria. Or Cauthrien.)_


	26. Trading Up

Trading Up

_Author's Note: Sorry for my delay in expressing much deserved gratitude, but special thanks to Arisone for helping me with some plotting during the whole Landsmeet saga!_

Dear Diary,

So, I met with the Queen today. I love her so much! Not only is she smoking hot, but she seems like a very reasonable person. She was quite enthusiastic about my plan to have her father as part of my party, very interested in keeping me alive to kill off the arch demon, hates Eamon too, etc. Really, we should have teamed up long ago.

Our conversation went something like this:

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Arl Eamon has offered to protect me from my father," she said as she fluttered her eye lashes over the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. "Teryn Loghain has gone mad, you see, and seeks to end my life."

Yeah, whatever. This is perhaps the worst lie ever, so I said, "Um, I don't think so. I mean, he seemed pretty reasonable when I talked to him this morning. And you don't sound very frightened."

Anora refused to answer and just narrowed those lovely eyes at me. OK, fine. It doesn't really matter whether she's telling the truth or not, I guess. So I'll just go along with it, as I doubt that I'll convince her to be honest. "So Eamon said that you want to talk about something. What?"

Anora said, "I was hoping that you'd support my bid at the Landsmeet to remain as Queen. And if there happens to be a way to spare my father's life, that you consider it."

OK, so here's where my mind acted fast! Of course I wanted to spare Loghain. Like, duh. But the way she put it made me wonder if I couldn't do even better than that. Like maybe get her to give me something I wanted? Or maybe even many things that I wanted? It was time to negotiate!

"What will I get for doing all of this?"

"Any boon I can grant you. A strong Queen will be in a far better position to grant you a request than a weak King."

Oooh! That sounded great! And I'm definitely into requests from strong, beautiful queens.

"OK," I said, "So could you kill Arl Eamon for me?"

Anora seemed to think. "I don't think that the Landsmeet would allow me to execute him. But if he happens to die under 'mysterious circumstances', I can promise that no one will investigate."

Perfect. I really wanted to kill the bastard with my own hands, anyway, and if I know I can do this without being arrested, will totally do it as soon as I get the chance. Hah. You're dead as soon as this Blight is over, Eamon!

"OK, that sounds reasonable. Now about your father..."

I tried to ignore that Anora was giving me a rather hopeful expression, sort of like the one that the mangy Dog gives when begging for food, "Yes?"

"I'd like to propose a trade. I get Loghain, and in return, you take Alistair."

Anora scowled, "That's not a fair trade. Loghain is a great general, while Alistair is...Alistair."

"Do you want your father's life spared or not?"

Anora's scowl deepened, and she crossed her arms under her lovely and perfectly squeezable breasts, before saying, "Fine. But I don't want Alistair. Why do I have to take Alistair?"

Well, of course she doesn't want Alistair. No one wants Alistair. This doesn't mean that she can just throw him away.

You might think that this attitude is strange, considering that I hate Alistair. But here's where you'd be wrong! Because, you see, it was here that I decided on the best possible punishment for Alistair. I mean, yes, I could just kill him. But why not, instead, make his life a nightmare by forcing him to marry a woman who despises him? It is the perfect punishment for not making me queen! But I could see that I'd have to find a way to convince Anora that marrying Alistair is a good idea if I wanted my plan to work, which meant speaking highly of him.

"He's not that bad."

"He looks just like Cailan. My late husband, if you recall? And he doesn't even want to be king. Why can't we just let him stay as a Grey Warden?"

OK, think fast, Neria, think fast! "Well, you see, he really hates Teryn Loghain. So I'm a bit worried that if I let Loghain join us, that he'll just run off and refuse to be a Grey Warden any more."

"We could just, you know, let him go."

No, we could not. If we let him go, he might go on to live a perfectly happy life. But I'm clever, so I made an argument that I knew Anora could not refuse. "No, no, that won't do. You see, Alistair is sort of like a little lost puppy. If we let him go, he'll just wander around pathetically until someone who wants to raise a rebellion takes advantage of his royal blood and uses him as a figure head for their cause. Which will result in a war and lots of deaths. It would be horrible. So, if you don't take him, we should just kill him. It's a much better outcome for everyone."

"I didn't expect you to say that," Anora said, her face looking grave. And then, "But, if you really feel that way, we could, you know, just kill him."

"No, no, that won't do," I said, trying to think of a way of getting what I wanted that was not completely transparent. "I mean, he's sort of my friend. And we've been together for a long time. I'd feel really bad killing him after all that."

Anora seemed to consider the idea, at least, so I went on about Alistair's few good qualities.

"You'll really like him!" I said. "I mean, he does almost anything you tell him to. He's quite handsome. Remarkably athletic. And very good with his hands, if you know what I mean."

Anora gave me a confused look. "I fail to see how any of this is of any benefit to a king."

Is she really this naive? I mean, maybe she is. Obviously I'd have to be a bit more explicit. "Um, well, maybe it wouldn't benefit a king. But I don't expect Alistair to rule, or anything. That's what you're here for. It's just that all of those traits would make him a great husband."

"I do not understand the point you are trying to make."

Ugh, is she really this dense? Did she never even consummate her marriage? Is that why she's childless? How annoying. But maybe I should just take Anora's innocence as the best opportunity ever.

"I could demonstrate," I said. "I trained him so that he's nearly as good as I am." I reached out to take one of her soft white hands in mine. Then I leaned in close, so that my eyes were almost perfectly level with those perfect breasts. I moved into her, cupping one of those lovely globes in the palm of my hand, Anora's breath warm on my forehead. I could feel her heart fluttering beneath that soft, firm breast before she jerked away.

"I do not think that would be appropriate," she said, dropping my hand.

Ugh. She really is that innocent. She and Alistair will make quite the pair. I bet that they never have sex, either. Perfect for my plans, if disappointing at the given moment.

"Well, consider marrying him, at least," I said. "I promise that it won't be that bad. He'll do whatever you want. And if it doesn't work out, you can just leave him in the stables, or lock him up in Fort Drakon, or something. But I think you'll like him," I said. Just before playing my trump card, "And if you don't agree to marry him, I might just decide to make him king, instead of you. And kill Teryn Loghain. Just to spite you."

Not that I intend to do any of this, but I figure that I might as well scare her a bit.

"Fine," Anora said. "If he'll agree to this, I'll marry him."

Hah, I always win. You are going to be so miserable, Alistair, and Eamon is going to die. And I made it all happen because I am ridiculously clever!

Neria

Dear Diary,

Alistair took the news of his impending marriage about as well as Anora did. Maybe even worse. He kept whimpering and asking "what about us" again and again, which is rather silly. Does he not get that there is no us any more? That all of this "us" nonsense disappeared the moment he told me that I couldn't be queen?

He really is dense. I feel kind of sorry for Anora now.

But, whatever. She'll adjust. Or she can kill him when he gets too annoying. Or whatever. But to make Alistair's punishment complete, I need to make sure that he agrees to this and that Anora likes him well enough not to kill him off too quickly.

"She's really a very nice woman once you get to know her," I told him, completely neglecting to inform him of the Queen's frigid nature.

"Do I have to?"

"It'll be best for the kingdom," I said, playing on Alistair's sentimental streak. "So just go to her, be nice, and show her all of your talents." When he gave me a blank look, I told him, "You know, like with Isabella? You're going to be married to Anora now, so you have to make her very, very happy and do whatever she wants."

"But I love you," he said, his face crumbling.

Oh, whatever. He's totally going to get himself killed at the rate he's going before Anora can even make him the least bit miserable. "I love you too," I said, trying not to shudder at the words. "But this is best for the kingdom. If you'd like, we can go in there right now and show Anora what you can do. OK?"

Alistair shook his head. "No, I think I'd rather talk to her by myself."

Whatever. Although he can bet that I'm not going to stick around in Denerim as his mistress or chancellor or whatever else he might want me to be after this is over if I can't get a piece of the action.

"Good boy," I said. "Impress her a lot, OK?"

And if you do, hopefully she won't decide to kill you.

**Anora Answers:**

I was sincerely considering taking the elf up on her offer. Oh, no, not the one about marrying Alistair. Marrying yet another idiot who enjoys playing King does not appeal to me. No, the one I am referring to is the one where she "demonstrates" the boy's supposed skills on me.

I did not let her do this, of course. She seems rather indiscreet, and I cannot risk a disgraceful rumor coming out at this late date. But, Maker, it's been two years. And she is very pretty.

I wonder if she'd be willing to stay on afterwords, as "Alistair's mistress" or my chancellor. Hmmm. Perhaps she would be willing to play, "the Queen and her Orlesian bard"? Or "the Proud Dalish Elf and the Very Apologetic Peasant"? We could have so much fun together once this whole mess is cleared up and my power is secure enough to withstand a rumor or two.

Ah, it has been a long time if I'm seriously thinking of this. I'm almost feeling sorry now for telling Cailan that real men fight in the front lines of battle.

In my defense, I honestly thought that Father would talk him out of that fool notion. And I just could not stand another evening where he demanded that I play "the Hero of the River Dane and the future Queen of Ferelden" with him, then call me frigid when I refused.

Ugh. Yes. In case you're wondering, I knew about that. Thank you so much, Maric, for ruining my childhood. I mean, OK, yes, Maric apparently felt the need to share every dumb thing on his mind with anyone who would listen. That's fine. But the sharing really did not need to include how my father once had a tawdry affair with his wife. That Maric was completely and totally OK with, as he never loved her anyway. Ick. Just ick. Get over it and sleep with an elf or whatever and leave me alone. I was already forced to marry a man who I was raised with as though he was my brother. I do not need more quasi-incest in my life, like how my father and his mother once hooked up, thank you very much!

And as for Cailan, well, I am totally up for keeping things interesting through role play. But, like, normal role play. Not role play that involves both of our parents. Am I really the only person who finds this idea to be _completely and totally disgusting_?

Although, in retrospect, I'm sort of curious as to which role I was supposed to play. I should have asked him. I might not have minded so much if I'd gotten to be the Hero of the River Dane. I guess that I'll never know now. Oh well...

I wonder if Alistair will insist on all of these stupid games, too. I think that I will need to establish firm boundaries from the beginning of our relationship. Certain games, such as the King and his Adoring Maidservant are OK. I would also very much approve of the "beautiful Queen and her rather cheeky Stable-hand". But no more Grey Wardens and Ogres. Ever. And anything regarding either of our parents is also out by default and should not be mentioned under any circumstances. Also, he is not to sleep with anyone who will report anything to the _Thedas Tattler, _no matter how pretty she is. I hate that magazine, and were I not a staunch supporter of free speech, would have everyone working for it killed in inventive ways.

Hopefully Alistair will be OK with these rules. If not, I may have to consider behavioral modification. I'll have to ask Erlinda to buy a spray bottle and some candies next time she is in the market.

Oh well. At least Father will be happy to hear that I have been forced to remarry. He keeps hinting at how much he wants grandchildren, and I know that he was very upset that Cailan and I never gave him any. I did suggest a solution, but he was quite unhappy with the idea. I have no idea why. I think that the very reasonable alternative of seducing Alistair and hoping for a pregnancy was a good one. But Father seemed to think that this was unfair to Cailan, and possibly Alistair if I had to kill him afterwords to keep him quiet. Father is such an idealist. But, whatever. I suppose that, ultimately, the outcome will be the same with a marriage to Alistair, other than that I am disappointed about having to marry yet another idiot. But, there are worse things. And I am curious as to whether he truly is as obedient as Neria claims...

**Alistair Asks**

I don't understand this. I love Neria. Surely she knows this, seeing as I never miss an opportunity to tell her how much I love her. So why is she forcing me to marry someone else? Particularly a woman who is the daughter of the man I hate most in the world.

Especially as Anora is just like her father. I mean, yeah, she's hot, but I do not want to marry a very pretty version of Teryn Loghain. Under any circumstances. I shouldn't even need to mention my feelings about this matter. After all the time we've spent together, surely Neria knows that I hate Loghain and everything connected to him almost as much as I love her, right?

Can't she understand that this is cruel? I mean, I know that she has the best interests of the country at heart, as Neria is always looking out for other people. But does it really require this? Couldn't I just, I don't know, become king on my own? Or let Anora rule without having to be married to her?

Oh, well, I've trusted Neria this far. So I guess I'll continue to trust her, as the only other option is to start making decisions on my own. So I suppose that I'll marry pretty-Loghain and hope that doing this will make Neria love me again. Surely when she sees how much I am willing to sacrifice for her, she'll come back to me, right?

_Thanks to reviewers such as ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox!_


	27. Interlude: Howe Hates

Interlude: Howe Hates

Every time I rid this kingdom of a threat, a new one arrives. Unfortunately, this time I cannot solve the problem just by killing her.

The Couslands were easy enough to eliminate, once I found what they were plotting. I suppose that I never really had proof of their treason. But their love of things foreign was always well enough known, as was the fact that Bryce was less brave in war than that bitch he had married. It just made sense that, in a Blight, they would prefer to invite in the Orlesians than to take care of the problem on our own. And when Aedan refused to marry my sweet, gentle daughter, I knew that the time had come. After endless border wars, I had finally found a way to forge a lasting peace between Highever and Amaranthine. Just marry our children, then let them rule my ancestral lands jointly. Yet the Couslands were too proud even to accept that solution, despite that their children would inherit all of our lands, while mine would only inherit mine. If they refused to take my lands by marriage, I feared that they would take them by force. I knew that it was only a matter of time. And with the rumors of a Blight, I could not risk another war.

As for the rest of them, well, they were easy enough to deal with. Vaughn had stirred up so much trouble in the Alienage that I could not risk allowing him to go free after I had found what he had done. Riordan was caught skulking about the palace, doing Maker knows what. I did not want to imprison the Templar, but as it was either that or allow him to take Jowan into custody and expose us all. I had to do it, sorry as I felt for him. Although the one I felt the least sorrow for was Oswyn. After what he did to my daughter...well, I can promise that I have made it impossible for him to do such a thing ever again, even if someone does release him.

Anora is a thornier problem, though. Loghain will not allow me to kill his beloved only child. But if she escapes, who knows what she will do? I caught her poking about my room, just after she'd managed to pick the lock on the chest that held Riordan's articles. And she is a popular, and powerful enemy, who I fear would not hesitate to sacrifice anyone in order to achieve her goals.

And we cannot allow that. I did not fight the Orlesians for years just to invite them back into our lands. Yes, I understand her argument that we need the Grey Wardens to fight the Blight. And that a few legions of chevaliers could be useful. But I do not care. Until Anora can give me a good reason as to why Grey Wardens are so necessary, I want no more of them in this country. And the chevaliers will not return under any circumstances. We saw what they did to this land before, and I will not risk having them in it again. I will back Teryn Loghain in this to the last of my dying breath, no matter what the cost is to either of us.

Besides, I really like Loghain. And once this whole civil war and Blight thing is over, we're totally going to go off and do manly man stuff together. So I can't risk upsetting him now by backing Anora over him.

Luckily, even Anora shouldn't be able to get out of the room I locked her up in. And how else could she escape?

Odd. Two elves, a dwarf, and a giant just arrived. One of the elves looks sort of familiar. I wonder what she wants?

Oh, dear, it was the obnoxious one who kept claiming that she was going to become Queen when we met earlier today. I suppose that I'm going to have to eliminate her, too, won't I?

_Thank you lovely reviewers including: ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! You keep me going! Now off to the Alienage!_


	28. The Alienage

The Alienage

_Author's Note: This gets slightly serious. I'm sorry. It will get un-serious again very soon._

Dear Diary,

Queen Anora wanted me to visit the Elven Alienage to find some evidence against Teryn Loghain. I didn't really want to go, but she insisted that I had to if I wanted to seal the deal of "get Loghain, make Alistair's life miserable by forcing him to marry Anora", so whatever. I guess that I can tolerate other elves for a few hours, anyway.

Note to self: I'm so glad that I got out of here before I had any memories of this place. The Alienage is absolutely disgusting. Rotting dog carcasses. Beggars on the street. The smell of urine and feces. Ugh. No wonder elves get such a bad name in Ferelden. I'm going to need a long bath when I get out of this place. And someone to wash my robes thoroughly.

Although it does make me wonder what my life would have been like had I not been born a mage. I was taken from the Denerim Alienage before I was old enough to have any memories of it, so it's hard to tell what I would have been like had I not been taken by the Templars. Had I been raised here, would I be as timid and shy as these other elves? Would I be as pathetic and miserable? Would I be a completely and totally different sort of person?

Maybe. It seems possible, considering how annoying everyone here seems to be. Ugh. I'm just going to thank the Maker that I am a mage, and therefore will never be so pathetic as to be stuck in a place like this.

I mean, yeah, being a mage means that I'm locked up in a tower when I'm not useful to the country in some way. But it's still a whole hell of a lot better than being in an Alienage. If I had to live here, I think that I would have killed myself by now just to get it over with faster.

This is why I try to avoid deep, contemplative thoughts. You let yourself have them, and next thing you know, you're getting all depressed about how much life sucks for those who are not as awesome as you are.

Neria

Dear Diary,

A Templar asked us to investigate an old orphanage. We did. He died in there. Didn't find anything useful, though. Huh. I wonder what I'm actually supposed to be investigating if that wasn't it.

This place is confusing. I don't think that it helps that my main goal in life is just getting out of here as quickly as I can.

Neria

Dear Diary,

There seemed to be a riot going on around some building. I pretended to be sick to get in, then killed a bunch of people when I got inside. Hah! I fooled all of you morons. Could you not tell by my radiant complexion that I am in sublime physical condition?

I also found some especially pathetic elves in cages. I decided to let them out, although I'm not sure why.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I picked my way through an especially squalid tenement, trying not to touch anything in it with parts of my body that I could not later burn. Found some guy who'd apparently been selling the elves in the alienage into slavery who was willing to give me evidence against Teryn Loghain if I were just willing to give him a bunch of money. I guess that sounds like a reasonable deal, but why pay him when I could just kill him for it?

Anyway, I did. But before I killed him, he offered me a deal. He said that he could direct the life force of the elves into me, making me far more powerful, in exchange for letting him go.

So here is where I had to think. Do I murder a bunch of innocents who are pleading with me for their freedom just to become more powerful? Am I so heartless as to allow the slaughter of those who are helpless and entirely at my mercy? Can I kill people who are only asking for their lives to be returned to them? Am I really be so cruel and callous?

Neria

P.S: After some thought, I realized that those elves were just going to go back to that horrible Alienage, anyway. My compassionate nature likes to think that I did them all a huge favor!

Dear Diary,

I got back to Arl Eamon's estate. Anora is suddenly pleased about the marriage. This seems a bit strange to me, but whatever. I guess that if she's pleased, Alistair gets a life of crippling misery, which is better revenge than a quick death. Still kind of confused, though. I asked her what had happened to make her so happy. She told me that she'd had a talk with Alistair about various laws and trade agreements and was impressed by his willingness to learn about them and become a good king.

Seriously. She talks about the most boring things ever and is happy? OK. That girl has problems.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I got back to my room and noticed that something was wrong with my bed. It wasn't a big deal. Just I could tell that the sheets weren't tucked-in in quite the way that I tuck-in sheets.

OK, I told myself, this was probably caused by a maid remaking my bed. But why would someone remake my bed? I'd made it neatly this morning. So there'd be no reason to make it again, unless something had _happened_ to it.

I'm sure that I sound a bit paranoid. But I'm a mage. Mages are very into their beds. You see, the only place apprentices have in the tower that is truly _theirs_ is their bed. So there's sort of a "don't touch" policy to our beds that even the Templars abide by. You do _not_ touch someone else's bed unless explicitly told that they want you to. So the idea that _something_ might have happened on my bed filled me with horror.

I told myself to get over it. This bed is not really my bed, it's just a place that I'm sleeping for the week while at Arl Eamon's manor. Even if something did happen on it, it's not that big of a deal, is it? And probably nothing happened other than that some maid got over-zealous and decided to turn down the sheets a second time.

I forced myself into it, just to hear a shrill giggle from the other room. And words that sounded something like, "and I'll raise the tax on imported leathers from Antiva by zero point two five percent to help fund new roads" along with some heavy breathing and what I think may have been a moan.

I have no idea as to what those words meant, but something about them, combined with the disturbed condition of my bed, filled me with horror. I could not sleep there tonight. In fact, it was possible that I'd never be able to sleep there again.

I considered going to Alistair's room and trying to sleep in his bed, but decided against that at the last minute when I realized that I still hate him. Then I considered going to Zevran's, or Leliana's, room but both of them had made it pretty clear that things are now very much over between us. So finally I settled on the couch. I hate whoever messed with my bed, and if I find them, will kill them for this horrific crime. But there seems no other rational choice for getting any kind of sleep tonight.

Neria

**Anora Answers:**

I decided to take Neria's work in the Alienage as the perfect opportunity to get to know Alistair better. If he is so vile and repulsive that I decide that the death of my father and spending the rest of my life in Fort Drakon is a better prospect than marrying him, it would be best to know this now, before our engagement is announced before the Landsmeet.

I found him sulking by a bookshelf, and dragged him into Neria's room so that we could talk undisturbed. We sat on the bed, and I decided that it might be a good idea to at least ask him about his adventures.

I found myself impressed. In the last two years, Alistair has met representatives from almost every group of importance within Ferelden, and has helped to solve some of our most pressing problems. He has at least attempted to temper Neria's, um, "personality", with kindness, helped to raise five armies, and protected everyone in their party to the best of his abilities from threats ranging from the darkspawn to Neria temper tantrums. And although he seemed hesitant to take much credit for his deeds, it is obvious from speaking with him that he has been instrumental to the Grey Wardens' success in getting this far.

Also, this is the first time in my life that I've had an actual adult conversation with a man who is not my father. Maybe I'm just easy, but I found my heart fluttering rapidly at the thought of marrying someone that I can talk to about grown up stuff.

And I suppose that Alistair's big golden eyes and perfect physique didn't hurt, either.

Although what really made me think that this could work out is when he asked _me_ about ruling Ferelden. About what it will be like to be King, and what he'll need to do to help rebuild the country and make it run properly. He told me that he'll defer to my wisdom, but that he definitely wants to do what he can to help in rebuilding the country, and support me in my efforts to be the best Queen ever.

Alistair is just so hot. Why would Neria want to get rid of him?

Somehow I found myself gazing into his eyes and leaning into his body. I could feel the warmth radiating out from him, see the graceful movement of muscles under his clothing, smell just a bit of a clean masculine scent...I'm not sure how, but suddenly I found myself in his arms and kissing him.

I hadn't really intended for our meeting to go this way, so I tried to pull my mind back to debate whether I really wanted to do this with a man who I had just met.

But...but...we are engaged! Plus, any thing that I can do that will make Alistair marginally more likely to favor me and my position is a good thing, right? I mean, I don't want him to suddenly decide that he doesn't want to marry me after all and leave the fate of Ferelden up to a crazy mage. Plus, you know, there's always the possibility that I'll become pregnant. Which means that if he dies while defeating the Blight, I'll still have a child to appoint myself as regent for. And if Neria was lying about making me Queen and intends to throw me in Fort Drakon instead, a kid could be my way to get out of jail.

OK, I know that I was totally justifying this. But as his hand slid down my side to caress the small of my back, I found that I really didn't care.

**Alistair Asks:**

OK, fine, Anora. I'll talk to you at least. Not that I really want to, seeing as you are the daughter of my worst enemy ever, but I guess that since we're going to have to be married, we're going to have to talk someday, so why not now.

Anyway, I followed her into Neria's room, and found myself sitting across from her on Neria's bed. Huh. Anora's really pretty. Like, absolutely gorgeous. Not that her ravishing good looks are important, or anything, seeing as she's the daughter of Teryn Loghain, but I guess that if I have to be married to someone, it might as well be to the most beautiful woman in Thedas.

OK, weird. She just started asking me about my adventures. And, um, actually listening when I answered her questions. Like, really listening. Not doing that pretend listening thing that Neria does all the time where she asks me questions and just nods at the answers and goes, "uh huh" a lot.

Did I mention that Anora is really pretty?

I decided that I should probably ask her some questions, too. Weird. It seems like she never had any friends growing up, either, and always felt like an outsider. I kind of feel bad for her now, despite that she is the daughter of my worst enemy. I mean, I can totally sympathize with not having very many friends growing up, and I agree that it sucks! So I put a hand on her shoulder to tried to comfort her, as no one really deserves to feel bad for long, even the daughter of my worst enemy in the whole wide world.

Next thing I know, she started kissing me. And I sort of felt like I shouldn't be making out with someone who isn't Neria, and certainly not with the daughter of my worst enemy ever. But, you know, Neria told me to do this, and I always do what she tells me to, even when it's something I don't like, such as slaughtering all of the Dalish elves or letting Jowan kill my foster mother or supporting a woman who just turned her entire household into darkspawn baby machines.

Plus, I bet that it would really piss off Teryn Loghain to know that I'd just nailed his daughter.

**Anora Answers:**

Alistair seemed very upset when I told him that he needed to put on his clothing and go back to his room before Neria returned from the Alienage. So much so that I somehow ended up telling him that if he wanted to join me in my room later tonight, that he would be welcome to.

Yes, yes, I know that I should be stricter. But I've never been very good at telling a cute guy "no". This is probably part of why Cailan ended up being so out of control, but whatever. Things will go better with Alistair. I learned a lot in 5 years of marriage. I can now set limits. Even with cute guys. Really!

Anyway, as soon as Erlina went off to bed for the evening, Alistair was at my door. And. Yeah. Suddenly I am not so sure why I was against this marriage. It really is the perfect way to calm down the kingdom. I mean, why not marry a competent and intelligent ruler to a great hero who also happens to be related to the last monarch? It's the best match ever!

Oh, I love Alistair. I love, love, love him. I am so glad that we will be married soon...

Oh, never mind. The hormones just wore off. I don't actually love him. But I really like him, and am suddenly feeling quite optimistic about the future. This could have gone so much worse, you know?

**Alistair Asks:**

I love Anora. More than anyone in the world. More even than Neria, who I am beginning to think never really liked me or listened to me, now that I compare her to the most wonderful woman in the world, who I now hold in my arms. And we're going to get married, which means that she can never leave me, not even if she wants to. She has to stay with me forever and ever and ever no matter what, because that's what marriage means. And we're going to have dozens of children, and they're going to love me more than anything else in the world. And we'll play together all the time, and live happily ever after.

I just love Anora so much.

**Anora Answers:**

Alistair appears to have me in a death cuddle. I am beginning to doubt the wisdom of my impending marriage as I need to get to sleep tonight to be functional tomorrow, and he seems to have trouble understanding that I need my space, even if the required space at the moment is only six inches of breathing room.

Oh well. I will tolerate him for now as the future of the kingdom is at stake. And hopefully manage to re-establish proper boundaries tomorrow.

This is why you should never sleep with someone on the first date.

_Thanks to those who review! You've managed to convince me to come close to finishing this! Quick call out to: Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox!_


	29. The Landsmeet

**The Landsmeet**

Dear Diary,

So, I made it to the Landsmeet. Hot brunette was out front. We had a bit of a conversation where she told me that she wasn't going to let us pass.

But being the kind of warm, compassionate person who'd hate to kill a really hot brunette (at least before I'd done something with her), I tried to reason with her instead. Told her that she needed to let me through to stop Teryn Loghain as he'd gone mad. Not quite sure why I said that, as he seems pretty sane to me, but whatever. It made sense at the time.

Anyway, she stopped and seemed to think about what I said for a minute before saying, "Well...he did want to talk to you."

Hah, I knew it! I should never have let Oghren and Sten take me to Eamon's. Bastards.

Oh well. Not much I could do about that now. And it looked as though hot brunette was now OK with letting me pass. I'm not quite sure what her reasoning was. Maybe she remembered that I am awesome, and that Teryn Loghain totally wants me, and therefore that she'd get into a lot of trouble if she killed me? Anyway, she even knelt to me, and begged me to spare Teryn Loghain's life, as he hadn't always been this crazy. Then ran off before I could tell her what else she could do for me on her knees.

I will definitely have to keep her on as the captain of my guards after this!

Neria

Dear Diary,

I was about to go into the Landsmeet chamber when I suddenly realized something.

Alistair was wearing a lot of expensive armor.

You see, I'd agreed to give Anora Alistair. But not necessarily Alistair and a lot of stuff that I could sell off or keep for myself. So, um, yeah. I had to get him to take the armor off, but knew that he was was sort of fond of it. But I am clever, so I knew that there must be a way to do this...

"Alistair," I said. "You're going to need to take off your armor."

"Why?" he asked.

OK, think fast, Neria, think fast!

"Um," I said. "I think that you'll be very threatening in your armor. And we're here to talk, right? Not fight. So if you wear all of your armor and carry your weapons, you're going to look like you're about ready to get into a fight, which will make it really hard to present our case to the Landsmeet."

"You're not asking everyone else to get undressed."

OK, that was true, but...

"Well, me and Morrigan are mages, so we're wearing robes, not armor. And that dog isn't wearing any armor, either."

Alistair seemed to think, then said, "But I don't have any other clothing."

Well, that was true, but...

"That's OK! You'll impress them all with your gorgeous physique. Come on, get undressed. Time is wasting!"

Hah, hah. Alistair is so dumb. He actually did it. I shoved the armor in my pack and congratulated myself on my awesome cleverness.

Neria

Dear Diary,

The Landsmeet, went, well...it went.

I was a bit distracted. I hadn't seen Teryn Loghain in nearly two years now, and the combination of him, a rather naked Alistair, and a typically scantily clad Morrigan at my side made me think less than clearly. Huh. Maybe I should have used those notes that Anora gave me. Anyway...

So, the Landsmeet started with Eamon making some stupid speech. Then Loghain said something. Then I told everyone how we should support our true king, Alistair. Which makes absolutely no sense, as Alistair is a worse leader than the dog. But, whatever. As I said, I was pretty distracted.

Then Loghain made some points about how up until now, no one had any idea of who Alistair was, and how he doubted that he was actually Maric's son. Which makes a lot of sense. I always knew that Alistair was just making up this whole stupid "royal bastard" thing to get attention. Damn him. I never should have trusted him.

Then I brought up Loghain poisoning Arl Eamon. And once again, Loghain made a very valid point about how we should not trust anything that a traitorous apostate with bad taste (aka Jowan) happened to say. I knew that I never should have trusted him. Lie to me once, Jowan, and it's almost a guarantee that you'll lie to me again! And decide to lust after a "curvaceous" woman. Grrr, Jowan, I hate you.

Oh, and then I brought up Cailan's death, which was kind of stupid as Cailan was as crappy of a leader as Alistair, and totally deserved to die on the battlefield. Which Loghain agreed with.

We agree on a lot, actually.

Anyhow, finally Loghain asked me what I'd done with his daughter. I told him nothing! I mean, I want to do all sorts of things to her, seeing as she's absolutely gorgeous, but so far, Anora's told me no, and I've totally respected her decision as she's an elegant and lovely lady, worthy of whatever kind of courtship she desires.

Anyway, after I said this, the look he gave me was...peculiar.

But then Anora came out, and told everyone that Loghain was trying to kill her. So at least she backed us up, which was awesome. Plus, I got to spend all the time she was talking watching the way her body moves in that tight little dress, which definitely distracted me from the boring politics going on around us.

Then the Landsmeet voted, and declared us traitors. And said that they were going to kill us. Oh, and attacked us. Which seemed kind of unfair, as really it was just Alistair and Eamon who were the traitors, not me. I thought that I'd gone through this already with the hot brunette, but apparently the message wasn't passed on. I may have to have a firm word with her. Mmmm...a firm word. With hot brunette on her knees...

Anyway, I had to kill a bunch of people. But luckily, before I had to kill everyone, the Reverend Mother called it off and told me to fight a duel against Loghain.

Which I won. Teryn Loghain may be a great warrior, but he is not a mage. And mages totally pwn warriors any day of the week.

Hah, in your face, Teryn Loghain!

Neria

Dear Diary,

OK, so now time for the big decisions! I stood in the Landsmeet chamber with Teryn Loghain kneeling before me in surrender. Everyone seemed to think that I'd kill him, but then that shifty Orlesian came out and said that we could turn him into a Grey Warden instead. Which is awesome from my perspective, seeing as I never wanted to kill him anyway. Besides, here I had this tall, strong, powerful, commanding, malevolent man kneeling before me. And Riordan was telling me that I could have him completely in control? To where he has to follow me around like a puppy on a leash, and must do anything I say? I felt a heat rise through my belly. Oh, this fulfills so many of my desires on so many levels!

So, yeah, that was an easy decision.

Anyway, being Alistair, the traitorous bastard went off on a hissy-fit about how I didn't really love him, and didn't respect the Grey Wardens, blah, blah, blah. Which is true. But whatever. Cry all you want, Alistair. I have Loghain now, so I no longer need you. And your temper tantrum just makes it obvious that I knew what I was doing when I arranged my upgrade with Anora.

So I thought that everything was over, because I had Loghain, and Anora, I guess, had Alistair. But apparently not. Because for whatever reason, I was then asked what I wanted done with the country. I didn't really care, seeing as I now know that I can't be queen, so I told them that of course Anora should stay queen, but that Alistair had agreed to marry her. At which point Anora yelled at Alistair and he shut up and fell into line. Fast. Huh. He never obeyed me that well. I'm actually kind of jealous. I may have to ask her for pointers later.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Loghain survived the joining! Not that I had any doubts. The world would be a sad, cruel place if it denied me the man I had just won in single combat due to a technicality.

Oh, and Alistair is being quiet for once. Told me he doesn't want to talk with me. It's kind of a nice change from the norm. And Anora is really happy about me saving her father. Like, really happy. I'm going to have to see exactly how grateful she is to me later tonight, if you know what I mean...

Anyway, the party seems happy to have Loghain as well. Maybe a bit too happy. Leliana keeps asking him for stories about his adventures, while Morrigan made some comment about how he's in a lot better shape than she would have thought. Slow down there girls! I won him in single combat, not you. He's mine. So, yeah, like back off.

Sten also thinks I did the right thing in choosing to make use of him. Hah, I know, Sten. Why waste someone as ridiculously awesome as Loghain? And Oghren and Zevran don't seem to care much about him at all, one way or the other. Although I think that's just jealousy, because they both know that I'm going to have him, and that he's much more awesome than either of them.

Even that stupid mangy Dog seems into him, although I think that it's because he keeps feeding it. I'm kind of hoping that Loghain doesn't encourage it. I keep hoping that it gets the hint that I don't want it around so that it stops following me everywhere.

Neria

**Anora Answers  
**

I slipped out of my room early, so that I could be in the Landsmeet chamber before it started and hide out. It was boring. Luckily I thought to bring a good book.

Then everyone gathered around, and Eamon had to keep telling everyone, "look, they'll be here any minute now" when Neria and Alistair kept not showing up. Hmmm...maybe I should have woken Alistair up when I left and told him to get moving. Although, maybe if he's really late, we'll call off the Landsmeet and I won't have to marry him. He's cute and all, but last night really made me think that having my own space is a good thing.

Just as I started puzzling out whether I really wanted to be married to Alistair, they entered. And my first thoughts were, oh Maker no! As Alistair turned up wearing _only his small clothes_.

Why did I agree to marry this joker? That is it. The wedding is off and I'm siding with my father. Because I do not want to be the queen who married a man who thought that the Landsmeet was a clothes optional event.

Then just to make things even worse, Neria completely and totally ignored the script I gave her and basically made my father look like a noble and competent hero. Which is totally hot, and all that (I so want to marry someone just like Dad!), but not really a good way to get him removed from power.

Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Then Neria and Dad started discussing me, and I knew that it was time to make my dramatic entrance. OK, so quick decision here! Do I support Neria like we agreed, or do I totally turn on her and pretend that the Grey Wardens were going to kill me because it's pretty obvious that they're idiots and that Dad is winning this Landsmeet by a landslide.

Argh, think, Anora, think!

Finally, I decided that I'd support the Grey Wardens, as we kind of need them to defeat the Blight and all and, well, if Dad wins, the worst that'll happen to me is that I'll be grounded, while if the Grey Wardens somehow win, who knows what'll happen? Plus, if they win and it's _right after I've betrayed them_, somehow I get the feeling that Neria won't be so keen on sparing my father and keeping me as Queen.

That said, I will admit that I was rather half-hearted in my attempt to portray my father as the ruthless usurper who tried to kill me. If Cailan was still alive, he would mock my performance and tell me that if I really wanted the handsome templar in my bed, that I would have to try a lot harder to convince him that I was truly apologetic about using forbidden magic...

Anyway, Dad won the Landsmeet, but then Neria and her dog and the brown haired mage killed everyone until they were told to quit. Then Neria battled Dad and won, and accepted his surrender.

Yay, all according to plan!

Or not. Apparently letting Dad survive caused my intended to make this huge scene. Like it wasn't embarrassing enough that he decided to show up at the Landsmeet in his underwear. Ugh. I can't believe that I slept with this guy.

Needless to say, I tried to pretend that we weren't engaged. Until Neria reminded me of our engagement. I was considering telling her, "um, no, I am not engaged to this buffoon", but was afraid that if I did so, that she'd just kill everyone to get back at me. So I just told Alistair to shut up. And he did. Glad that I started the conditioning sometime yesterday afternoon. Another month of this, and he'll know better than to throw a temper tantrum under any circumstances or to show up naked in public. Or else.

**Alistair Asks**

I got to the Landsmeet chamber, and after Neria got rid of Ser Cauthrien, she told me to take off all of my armor and give it to her. I tried to tell her that I didn't have any other clothing on, and that it wouldn't really be right to show up at the Landsmeet naked, but she insisted. So I took it off. I mean, I haven't disobeyed her so far, so I guess that I shouldn't really start now, when things are getting important. Plus, her argument over me seeming threatening seemed sound, and I was fairly tired because of, well, Anora. So it was hard to think straight.

I know that these are excuses. I was stupid. I've been stupid for a very long time now.

Then when we got into the Landsmeet chamber, it was really obvious that a lot of other people were wearing armor. And that everyone was looking at me as though I was an idiot. Which in retrospect, I guess I was.

Why did I not notice any of this sooner?

I guess it was that I was in love with Neria. I mean, yeah, it was a horrible decision. But she's very pretty. And she's the first girl I'd ever really talked to. So I guess that I sort of thought that all girls were like that and just believed that I'd have to put up with that kind of thing, if I ever wanted a girlfriend. And, you know, the only other girls around were Morrigan, who is a complete and total bitch, and Leliana, who's kind of crazy. And, oh, for a while, Wynne. But she's dead now. And was old.

But after meeting Anora, I realized that some women will actually listen to you when you talk. And might not order you to show up at the Landsmeet completely naked for no explicable reason.

Does Neria hate me? Is that why she's been treating me this way for so long?

Anyway, Neria made some good arguments at the Landsmeet, but Teryn Loghain is an intelligent and vicious enemy, so he managed to twist them so that he looked good. Then the Landsmeet voted against us. And I had to kill some guards. Then somehow Neria ended up fighting Loghain, and agreed to spare his life. And I was all like, "What?" I mean, here we'd fought this guy for the last two years, and now Neria's OK letting him have the great honor of becoming a Grey Warden?

I'll admit that I sort of lost it there.

In my defense, it wasn't entirely that I was angry with Loghain joining the order that he tried to exterminate. It was also in part that Neria kept whispering to me what she intended to do with him as soon as she had him in our party.

And suddenly I realized just how horribly wrong I'd been all along.

Here I'd thought that Neria genuinely cared for me, just had strange ways of showing it. But now I'm pretty sure that I was just pretending this as the only other alternative was being alone, and I just couldn't face that possibility. But now it looks as though she'd always been, well...a murderous trollop. Like when she killed all those Dalish? Not cool. Or when she saved the Anvil, killed my foster-Mom, and tried to sleep with every other person she met? Also not cool.

Really, Neria has been tormenting me for two years, and I've been putting up with it because somehow I convinced myself that it was normal. And now she wants me to tolerate her inviting my worst enemy into our order so that she can sleep with him two feet from me, just like she did with Zevran, while I die inside a little every time I hear her moaning his name?

That's it. Screw you, Neria. Screw you, Loghain. Screw you, Grey Wardens. I am a grown man, a leader, a king! And for once I am going to behave like one!

Oh, no. Anora just yelled at me. I guess that I'd better shut up...

**Aftermath: Alistair and Anora**

Anora found Alistair by the bookshelf in Arl Eamon's room. She awkwardly patted Alistair on his shoulder and asked, "Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry," Alistair said. "Thanks for stopping me. I sort of lost it back there."

Anora frowned. "Yeah, you sort of did," she said. "I take it that Neria didn't tell you about her plans?"

Alistair shook his head.

"And I'm going to guess that not wearing any armor was also her idea?"

Alistair nodded, his face crumbling. Anora paused for a second, then asked the question that was most pressing on her mind.

"Did she do anything else?" Anora asked.

"She told me what she intends to do with your father," Alistair said, a blush staining his cheeks.

Anora's eyes widened dramatically. "She...what?"

"Neria has sort of a...reputation," Alistair said. "It's part of why I was so upset." He stared at the ground, feeling horribly embarrassed, until he looked up to realize that Anora looked even more upset at this news than he was. "Are you OK?"

Anora took a deep breath. "I'll survive." And then, "If it makes you feel any better, my father has never been into elves."

"That you know of."

"I'll admit that it's not entirely comforting," Anora said, with a shrug. "But it's something, right?"

Alistair nodded. "I just don't think that I can stand to be around either of them." His eyes crinkled as he stared at Anora, his eyes wet with what was undoubtedly the start of tears. "I mean...I know that I should be ending the Blight. But I just can't handle having to be around them all day, every day."

Anora seemed to think, then gave him another awkward pat on the shoulder. "Would it make you feel better to do something else? Maybe something else that was really important for the war effort?"

Alistair nodded.

"We could send you to Orlais," Anora said. "You see, as soon as I knew about the Blight, I wanted to accept Celene's offer of a few bands of chevaliers and some Grey Wardens to fight it. But Father was adamantly opposed to the idea. But now that he's gone, we can summon them. So you could go to let her know that we need her armies. That way, you could meet with other Grey Wardens, help stop the Blight, and stay away from Neria and Father for a while."

"Plus, it would really piss Loghain off," Alistair said, his face lighting up.

"Exactly!" Anora said. "And then we just need to make sure that our Orlesian friends see the front lines of battle, and that you realize that if you marry Celene, you still haven't been crowned king yet, so it doesn't matter."

"What?"

"Oh, just...um...never mind," Anora said. "Anyway, do you like the plan?"

Alistair nodded.

Anora gave him a hug. "Then you can take off as soon as you're ready."

"Thanks," Alistair said. And then, "I'll miss you."

Anora smiled. "Don't get yourself killed."

_I mostly love all of you, and most certainly would not rip out any of your hearts before dancing happily in your blood. Thanks to Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox!_

_Incidentally, I stole "murderous trollop" from what Lester (the evil mage) is referred to in "The Gamers: Dorkness Rising", which I watched last weekend. Lester and Neria are soul-mates, I think, so I loved that movie and may have to cosplay as the female version of Lester. Hmmm..._


	30. Interlude: Dog Digs

**Interlude: Dog Digs**

_Author's Note: Yes, I have had several dogs! And yes, they do everything described below...while looking delighted. And wondering why you keep desperately trying to make them run off as they show you just how delighted they are with their last utterly repulsive act._

Just in case you're wondering, I never did bond with the elf-mage. I thought I was going to at first, seeing as she saved my life and all. But she smells of evil. And I can tell that she hates dogs. Plus, she let the old-mage bathe me. And I _hate _baths. So, no, I did not imprint on her.

I've been following her around, though, as I have no where else to go. This makes me sad. A mabari needs a master to be faithful to. And without one, I found myself despondent.

I considered bonding to one of the other companions. But none of them seemed quite right. The red-head seemed more interesting in annoying frou-frou dogs than in a real dog, like a mabari. The brunette doesn't like the love of a domesticated dog, and prefers the company of wild, sheep stealing cowards to that of a faithful friend. The male elf seems like more of a cat person, so he's out. And the old-mage tried to bathe me, so even if she wasn't dead, I wouldn't want her, although I could see rolling about in her decomposing corpse if given a chance. Yes, I know that she was the dreaded giver-of-baths. And threatened to give me a poofy tail with smells-like-magic stick. But despite that, she smelled of goodness and treats, so I feel that I should have honored her passing in a respectful way, like by encrusting her remains into my fur.

As for the dwarf, well...I think that the he thinks that I might be a pony, a snack, or possibly both, so he's out, too. Do I look like I'm meant to be ridden around on? And if there's a snack in camp, it is most definitely the bunny-pig, not me!

I was considering bonding with the giant, seeing as he respects me as a true warrior. But he will be going home soon, and I'm fond of Fereldan, so do not want to follow him. The blonde warrior seemed like a good choice for bonding. But, I think that he may be less intelligent than me. Which isn't that big of a deal, I guess, but as a dog, I like being a loyal follower, not a leader, so the blonde probably wasn't the best match for my needs.

It all made me very sad.

This was until smells-like-evil-elf-mage added a new member to the pack. I like elderly-warrior. He is definitely a dog person. And so far, he has fed me treats at every meal. And told me about his old mabari bitch. And he's taken me out hunting, and petted me, and told me that I'm a very good boy. I am a good boy, aren't I? A very good boy? Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am!

I'm going to roll on my back for a while now and pant. I am just that happy. And possibly bring my new buddy some dead animals as presents. Humans love it when their best friends in the whole wide world bring them dead rats, right? Particularly when we place them lovingly in their bed rolls for them to find just before they go to sleep at night. If I wasn't a good boy before, I will definitely be one soon!

Plus, elderly-warrior seems kind of sad. And nothing makes dog-lovers happy like dog love. So I will give him all of mine, and hopefully brighten his spirits and make him smile again.

I hope that nothing happens to him.

_All of you are very good boys and girls. Would you like a dead animal in your pack? ^_^ Thanks to Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox!_


	31. Dark Ritual

The Dark Ritual

Dear Diary,

Now I miss Alistair. Let me explain why.

You see, Loghain has turned out to be a total disappointment. I mean, yes, he's a great fighter. And had some interesting stories about Anora that I can later use to blackmail her into fulfilling my wildest fantasies. But he is just so boring.

Like today in camp? I asked him what he wanted. You'd be surprised. It apparently does not involve ravishing me up against that tree that is somehow always in camp. I don't get it. Maybe I would have understood had I listened to him go on and on about something after I asked the question. But once I realized that the conversation just wasn't going to go there, I kind of ignored the rest of what he was saying.

I also told him that he cost me Alistair, hoping that he'd put two and two together. Loghain said that I could thank him later. Hmm...I'd thank him now if he performed the only duties that I ever expected out of that traitorous bastard.

I'm failing to see how he has managed to misinterpret this flirtatious remark. Perhaps I need to try harder? Perhaps he did get it, but is playing hard to get?

He did seem happier with me after I talked to him. Which could mean that he's into delayed gratification, and that I really will thank him later. Hmmm...

Neria

Dear Diary,

The other party members also failed to fill in for Alistair today. I approached Morrigan first, seeing as she's my next favorite party member, after Loghain. But she still doesn't see any reason to dally with other women, nor will she let me show her why this is such a great idea. Maybe Alistair was right. She is kind of a cold bitch.

But she is nearly naked! I don't understand!

Leliana apparently thinks that we're in the "friend zone" now, which annoys me as she still wants to talk about stupid shoes and stuff, but won't do any of the things that make the shoe conversations worth having. Argh. So that's out. In fact, I had to run away before she sang some stupid epic poetry at me.

Oh, and as for Zevran? Apparently he doesn't want to hook up even though Alistair is gone. I do not get it. I mean, you would think that he'd want to take advantage of the disappearance of his primary rival, but whatever. Apparently my amoral assassin is broken. I can't believe I spared him.

Which left me with the dog (ewww!), Sten (suicidal), and the drunken dwarf (disgusting, but...)

So, anyway, yeah. I finally accepted Oghren's proposition. (I mean, maybe he could do something interesting with that beard?) But before he could get around to doing anything, he passed out drunk.

I hate my life.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I feel like I am going through a reprise of my life with Duncan.

A week ago, I asked Loghain to come back with me to my tent to "discuss strategy". He was into the idea of discussing strategy, but saw no reason as to why we needed to have this conversation in private. So I had to make up a bunch of stuff and pretend that I cared about his answers.

Then yesterday, I tried to bathe in a stream, with the hope that he'd wander by and put two and two together. He did come by. But just looked kind of uncomfortable, and went back the way he came.

I thought I finally had him tonight, though. You see, earlier today, I had asked him to come back to my tent to discuss strategy, and he actually accepted! I put on my most revealing nightgown, and leaned over an ancient map (hey, I have cleavage when I lean over and press my arms together). Loghain's eyes brightened, his pupils dilated, his lips were moist. Finally, I thought that I had him!

Sadly, it seems like he was more interested in the map. I let him take it with him, since he liked it so well. Then cried myself to sleep.

I hate Loghain. Hate, hate, hate him. I wish that I'd just let Alistair kill him.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Seems like we made a trip down to Redcliffe for no apparent reason as the darkspawn are now attacking Denerim. I blame Eamon. I bet that he just wanted to protect his Arling at the expense of the rest of the country. (OK, so I don't really care about the rest of the country, but I am utterly pissed off about having to make yet another trip just to fulfill this guy's ego!) I can't wait to make good on Anora's promise to let me rip this guy's heart out.

But I'll probably have to wait. There are a lot of guards tonight.

Damn him.

Neria

Dear Diary,

OMG, WTF? The only way to kill the arch-demon is by killing a Grey Warden? And I am a Grey Warden! I do not like this!

Luckily, Riordan seems cool with dying. As does Loghain. Kind of peculiar, but whatever. I still figure that I have a chance with Loghain, so am going to hope that Riordan dies. But if not, I suppose that Loghain hasn't exactly worked out so far, so I can tolerate his loss.

Still kind of disappointed that I won't get to kill the arch-demon, though.

Neria

Dear Diary,

Morrigan apparently has another idea. As per her plan:

Pros:

-I get the credit for killing the arch demon

-Loghain and Riordan are both old, so might die of heart attacks or something on the way to the arch-demon, leaving me to die. Not cool.

Ambivalent:

-Just Riordan might die on the way to the arch-demon, leaving Loghain to die. This would suck in that I'd probably never bag Loghain. But would be well deserved, considering that he has ignored me so far and thus deserves death.

Cons:

-Involves letting people who aren't me have hot, sexy, kinky, ritual blood magic sex

So here's where I had to think. I mean, I like being alive. _Really_ like being alive. And I definitely want credit for killing the arch-demon. That said, I've been after both Morrigan and Loghain for _nearly two years now_, and I am totally not OK with the two of them getting to have hot sex while leaving me out of it.

I told this to Morrigan, hoping that she'd see that the obvious solution was to invite me along, but she said that she'd be more comfortable in private.

Damn her.

This makes my decision hard.

Neria

Dear Diary,

My conversation with Loghain went something like this:

I went into his room to find him wandering around, still in his armor. I decided to broach the subject indirectly, "So...Morrigan is pretty hot, isn't she?"

Loghain, being difficult, responded with, "I fail to see how that is of any significance."

OK, I guess that I'd have to go for the less subtle approach. "I bet that you'd like to have sex with her, though, right?"

"Not really."

OK, so Loghain is officially broken. What sort of idiot wouldn't want to have sex with Morrigan? But luckily, I had a few more arguments in reserve! "What if it kept you from dying, even if you killed the arch-demon?"

"I would be honored to die for the good of Ferelden," Loghain said, turning my knees to mush with his stoic heroism. "It would give me a chance to redeem myself, while simultaneously serving a country that is dearer to me than life itself."

I ought to have let him. But I also really wanted to be the one to kill the arch-demon, and I have to admit that his grim determination to save the country one way or another, despite that it would likely result in his death, was sufficiently hot to make me question whether I was really OK with him dying before I got a chance to sleep with him at least once. So I tried even harder.

"Don't you think that Anora would be sad if you died?"

Loghain seemed to think there, at least, but then said, "I am sure that she would find a way to turn my death to her political advantage."

"Well, true, but don't you think that it would comfort her to have a younger brother or sister?"

"What?"

Woops! I'd forgotten that children really are horrible abominations brought on by a lack of ability to figure out birth control. I should have left that part out. "Oh, never mind. Forget that I said anything."

Loghain paused for a moment, before narrowing those piercing blue eyes at me and saying, "Of course."

This is where I had to think again. I mean, I'd gone through the more obvious arguments, but surely there was something that Loghain cared about.

"What about being alive?" I mean, everyone likes being alive, right? "Don't you like being alive?"

Loghain lowered his dark head. "I have done terrible things," he said, his voice grim and even more gravelly than usual. How I wanted to hear him scream out my name with that voice! "I deserve to pay for my crimes."

Oh, come on. I could do more harm to Ferelden in a week than he had in two years as Regent. Quite frankly, I have done more harm in a week. So I decided to try to cheer him up. "Honestly, all that you've done is tried to enslave a few elves who were causing a riot, poisoned someone who was causing a civil war, and let Howe imprison and torture some people who probably deserved it. In comparison, that's nothing!"

"In comparison to what?"

Hmmm...probably best not to let him know what, if I wanted him to like me. So I decided to play it off with, "Well, in comparison to some people. I mean, being in power means making the hard decisions, right? And for someone who's had to make a lot of hard decisions to make, you could have done much worse. Ferelden should be throwing you a party in celebration, not be declaring you a traitor."

"You declared me a traitor."

"No, no," I said, hoping that he'd realize that I was totally on his side all along and therefore eligible for hot, brooding sex in the near future. "Arl Eamon declared you a traitor. I never wanted anything to do with him, but that traitorous bastard, who only pretended to be royalty to get attention, made me help him." I fluttered my lashes up at him. "Really! I'm so sorry for the horrible misunderstanding. I'm really hoping that it won't ruin things between us." I waited for him to speak. Now was obviously the moment where we rushed into each other's arms and had kinky make up sex. Or even vanilla make up sex. I'm not picky. But nothing seemed to be happening, so I decided to be a bit more blatant with my desires. "Besides, I have all kinds of uses for you in the future!"

Loghain seemed to think at this comment. I wondered if I finally had him convinced to sleep with Morrigan so that I'd get all the credit for killing the arch-demon! Or possibly just to sleep with me, so that if he did die, I'd have no regrets.

Finally he said, "Perhaps it would be good to have a Grey Warden who is neither you nor Alistair around after this Blight."

Perfect! It looks as though my words were finally having the desired effect! So I said, "I told you that you should live. And you really do want to be around after this Blight. It will be fun." I fluttered my eyes up at him one last time. "Not that you _have_ to do anything. I'll leave this entirely up to you. But it's not like I want you _gone_ or anything, and I think that lots of people, including me, would miss you a lot if you died."

"I'll need to have a talk with the witch."

Then he vanished into my room and closed the door behind him. I hung around for a bit, kind of wondering what the outcome of their conversation was. OK, that was totally a lie. I was really hoping that they'd ask me to join in. But they didn't. Why does this never happen when it seems like such an obvious way to make three people very, very happy?

Neria

Dear Diary,

As I waited for Loghain and Morrigan to finish up, I realized that they had made me fairly angry. I mean, yeah, I'm mostly gettting what I want out of this. But I am not getting to break in Loghain. Or Morrigan. And here they are, getting it on and leaving me entirely out of it just to be spiteful, when they must know that there's nothing that I'd like better than kinky magic ritual sex.

And, even worse, they decided to consummate their passion _on my bed!_

Ugh, even the thought revolts me. I won't be able to sleep on that bed after this. So I decided to do the logical thing. I'd take Loghain's bed. If someone has to sleep on the dark magic sex ritual bed, it really ought to be either him or Morrigan.

It was then that my mind seized upon even a better plan! What if it's not just that I've stolen Loghain's bed, it's that I'm waiting for Loghain in his bed, completely and totally naked.

Oh, I can just see the outcomes!

He could come storming in after the ritual, furious that I'd forced him to defile his body in this fashion. He'd drag me out of his bed, in a fit of rage, furious that I'd taken it even after what I'd just done to him. He'd pin me to the wall, and demand that I do something to make it up to him...

Or he could be upset! So sad that he had to do the ritual with Morrigan, rather than with her far more attractive elven companion. He'd cry on my shoulder, and I would comfort him as only a hot elven mage could...

Or, perhaps he could just realize that there was a hot, naked elf in his bed and figure it out. It's not like it's that complicated, right?

I can't wait! Although I'm sort of hoping for the angry scenario!

Neria

_Thanks to Crazy4DA, Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! I'd almost certainly make you do the dark ritual to save all of your lives, even if it did mean being left out of kinky, blood magic sex._


	32. Interlude: Eamon

**Interlude: Eamon**

_Author's note: Yes, yes ,I am toying with you. But you'll find out what happens in the next chapter. This is, if I'm not lying! ^_^ _

I just finished talking with Anora, and might I say that that woman is a shrill harpy? And that is just listing her _good _qualities.

I'm not being sarcastic there. I actually rather think that being a shrill harpy is a good quality in a woman. After all, I was happily married to Isolde for well over a decade.

But as for the rest of Anora's qualities, well. She just does not know her place. Who is she to think that just because she is intelligent and capable, has a fine grasp of Ferelden law, is widely respected, is fair and impartial, keeps the Banns in line, and has a brilliant, strategic plan for the future of the country, that she should rule? Really! She is a woman and a peasant. Her job is sitting in a keep somewhere, having babies. If she's feeling very ambitious, maybe she can embroider a little, too. If she just learned her place, she'd be a fine match for my little brother, or even for Conner someday. But she should not be out and about thinking that she can govern things just because she's capable of it.

Does that woman not understand that real leadership is about making speaches and wandering around, wearing armor and looking manly, not in actually governing a country?

Stupid administrator. I hope that something happens to her before she marries Alistair. Poor Alistair, stuck with that frigid whore.

I have no idea what I meant by that, either. But Anora is a frigid whore, whether it makes sense or not. Damn her and her overwhelming competence at the job she is devoted to and absolutely determined to keep because she, like most of the country, is convinced that she is the best person for it.

Anyway, I am letting myself get worked up over nothing. Undoubtedly as soon as they are married, Alistair will put Anora in her place and she'll become a good, placid wife who he will divorce two years into the marriage after he realizes that she still has not borne him a single child. And then she can be thrown into Fort Drakon, and Alistair can marry the docile bride of my choice.

Speaking of Anora, I wonder how Loghain is doing? I don't trust him, either. He's a glorified peasant who both thinks that his daughter ought to be queen just because she's really good at it. He also keeps some other woman around as his second in command just because she's really capable of things like leading armies and does obscene amounts of damage with a two handed sword. I just do not understand what it is with Loghain and compentent women. It's some kind of sick, demented fetish that should have gotten him killed the first time he flirted with my beloved, virtuous, older sister who I still refuse to believe saw anything in him.

I just can't believe that a woman would want a man who saw her as a respected equal. Oh, no, I'm sure that she was much happier with Maric. He thought of her, as well...I'm not sure, actually, come to think of it. But I'm convinced that he only cheated on her because she intimidated him. If Rowan had just acted scared of anything larger than a fly, I'm sure that her marriage would have gone far better.

Anyway, off to check on Loghain.

Odd. He isn't in his rooms. This worries me. Maybe I should have posted a guard.

OMG! The Grey Warden (maybe I should learn her name?) is in his bed. And she appears to be naked! What is going on here?

OK, I'm not going to worry about this. I knew that the Warden had some reason for sparing Loghain, and while this is hardly what I would have figured her reason was, whatever. Some women go for older men, right? Particularly older men with grey hair and beards? Older men in positions of power, like the influential Arl who just happens to be the brother of the late Queen? Hmmm...I am going to keep this information handy. Just in case we meet again.

OMG! I just found Loghain.

I am not going to describe what I just saw. Although I am rather curious as to how he's managing this.

Maybe it's the hair that is still glossy black even after five decades? Or that his physique looks peculiarly identical to that of Alistair? Or perhaps it has something to do with his apparent lack of interest in humans as sexual objects whatsoever?

Huh, well, now that I'm back in the dating game, maybe I need to try some of that.

Remind me tomorrow morning to ask Teagan to get me some hair dye.

_No, no, I _love_ Eamon. Really love him. Like...yeah, anyway. I love all of you far more, if that makes you feel any better! Special thanks to: Crazy4DA, Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! _


	33. Interlude: Loghain

Interlude: Loghain

Completing my part of the ritual was not as hard as I had imagined. At first I had worried. Morrigan really is not my type, and I was concerned that even closing my eyes and thinking of my dead wife would be insufficient to achieve the desired outcome. But after she told me that she planned to leave after the defeat of the arch-demon and take her Old God, draconic offspring to somewhere far to the west, to a land with especially buttery pasteries and particularly appealing fashions, somehow it wasn't so hard to do exactly what she wanted.

To be frank, I rather enjoyed it.

I am only sad that I will not be there to see, first-hand, precisely what horrors our monstrous offspring inflicts on our neighbors to the west. I am hoping that it disembowls the nobility first. And that Alistair dies stopping it before it can kill any Fereldens or farmers. And that, perhaps after Alistair's death, Anora remarries Nathanial Howe and has dozens of beautiful children.

I know that this may be rather over-optimistic. One cannot have everything. Still, I will continue hoping for this scenario. As I think that it would be best for Ferelden and for my beloved daughter.

If the draconic offspring should also happen to take out Arl Eamon, I will be particularly pleased.

Although I suppose that now that this is over, it is time to go back to my room and pace about for a while as I apparently cannot sleep on either the night or the entire month and a half before a battle, depending on exactly when this is all taking place. It seems sort of unclear. I was under the impression that we had to complete a forced march all the way back to Denerim prior to the battle, but Morrigan seems convinced that this is the eve of battle. Perhaps her dark ritual will involve teleportation, or some kind of spell that gives us inhuman speed and endurance? That would be useful. If it does, I may have to ask her to teach this trick to the mages. It could come in handy, later.

Regardless, the ritual is done, and it is time for me to return to my room. Where I will be unable to sleep. Possibly due to the fact that I get ready for bed while wearing full plate armor.

Hmmm...the Grey Warden is in my room. In my bed, to be precise. I should be angry, but I realize that these last weeks must have been hard for her, too. And that Morrigan had appropriated her own room, perhaps leaving her with no where else to sleep.

Besides, I can't hate Neria. She reminds me of Anora. Not Anora, now, no. Anora has grown up to be a very beautiful and lovely woman, who reminds me somewhat of her mother, and somewhat of myself. No, rather Neria reminds me of what Anora was like back when she was about eight. Right around when she'd get angry with me and threaten to have me executed by the Landsmeet or fed to an arch-demon if I didn't do what she wanted. It was really cute.

In retrospect, those threats seem somewhat more significant now.

Perhaps I should look into her threats about making me barter with talking darkspawn, or interact in a friendly manner with Orlesian Grey Wardens. Yet those two possibilities are so implausible that I will ignore them as being the something that could only exist in the mind of a particularly imaginative child.

Hmmm...Neria is very cute when she sleeps. I wish that Anora would give me grandchildren, so that I could watch them sleep, just as I am now watching Neria. Preferably with Nathaniel Howe. In retrospect, the sheer existence of Cailan and Alistair has convinced me that I do not want my grandchildren to be half-Theirin. Such a pity. I really liked Maric, too. Despite that, in retrospect, he made Cailan look like a genius mastermind. Huh. Now I wonder why I was so attached to him. Probably it was due to some vauge desire to be needed by someone and to fulfill a destiny that is of greater importance than pushing around a plough or shooting deer to feed myself and possibly other ragtag adventurers who have attached themselves to me as they knew that my comptence would keep them alive. Someone with my intellectual gifts really ought to be running a country, not sitting around moping, or running about doing manual labor. I should have thought of this long ago and just taken the kingdom from Maric when he offered it to me again and again in a desperate attempt to get out of doing anything that required a modicum of responsibility.

I really did miss the boat on that one. Had I been the sole ruler of Ferelden for the last thirty years, the whole place would be so much better managed by now. We might even have made inroads into democracy, or at least have established a parlimentary monarchy. It is all so logical. And I know that Anora was hoping to avoid having children with Cailan just so that she could force him to have the next ruler of Ferelden determined by a general assembly of elected representatives. Oh well. I suppose that it's always possible that Alistair will die in some horrific way, leaving Anora with a clear path forward in establishing a constitutional republic.

Perhaps Neria could kill him? Her quixotic nature makes such a thing possible. To be honest, I do not find it difficult to believe that she could kill anyone, at any time, for any imagined slight. It is actually rather frightening. Despite this, I find myself liking her. Maybe it was all of the maps she gave me? Or our shared hatred of Alistair? Anyway, for her sake, I suppose that I can find somewhere else to pace. As I am certain that Neria would hate it if I disturbed her undoubtedly much needed rest.

_Wow, I'm down to only two chapters left! Hopefully they live up to all of your expectations! Thanks to: ArtemysFayr, Crazy4DA, Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! _


	34. Coronation

**Post Coronation**

_Author's Note: Oh noes! I am down to only one more chapter of this story! (Although I have a feeling that Neria will live on in the livejournal kink meme as she is just too much fun to not use to fill bizarre prompts. OOC, I've heard a few complaints that it's really hard to find stuff there as it's all anon – would anyone be interetested in seeing my fills posted here? I've got a few Neria ones so far, as well as a few other silly bits and pieces and may eventually do non silly smut. Maybe...)_

Dear Diary,

So, I killed the arch demon! And lived! I am now the best Grey Warden ever!

Some of the other Grey Wardens (and Alistair, the traitorous bastard) seem suspicious as to why I'm still alive. But I'm inclined to agree with Loghain on this one. Most likely, I didn't die because this whole "killing an arch demon destroys a Grey Warden" bit is a myth. I always knew it. Riordan, like Alistair, likes making stuff up to get attention.

I never should have trusted either of them.

Neria

P.S: I wonder how much arch-demon pelts go for?

Dear Diary,

The entire kingdom is singing my praises and chanting my name. It is so awesome! But I really do deserve this. I mean, maybe had Jowan not been insane, I would never have become a Grey Warden, and that stupid Marcus Amell might have gone off with Duncan instead. But, you know, I really think that it's best that things worked out the way they did.

I mean, yeah, another Grey Warden _might_ have killed the arch demon and ended the Blight. But would he or she have succeeded at so many other tasks? I mean, aside from ending the Blight, I also gave the dwarves a strong, traditional ruler and the means to defend themselves from Darkspawn, ended the Dalish menace, destroyed a useless relic that people were supersticiously putting their faith in, and solved the whole Guerrin problem. (Or rather will have, as soon as I can get Eamon alone. I'm sort of hoping that Teagan doesn't act up. He's rather cute, so I'd hate to have to end his life, too.)

And that's just discussing my major political accomplishments! Beyond that, my companions are lucky to have me! I mean, without me, would Leliana have learned that she needs to go back to being a bad girl and kind of miss Marjolene in retrospect? Would Zevran look so excited about returning to the Crows? Would Sten have found some vauge way to redeem his honor, even if we still have no idea as to where his sword is? Would we have eliminated the annoying and naggy Wynne? Would Oghren be in a position where he could get into drinking games with Teagan? I think not!

Plus, Morrigan finally has the child she always wanted and is really taking impending motherhood seriously, considering and all that she's left the party to raise her old-god baby in a child friendly setting. And Alistair and Anora are just so cute. As soon as they stop glaring at each other from across the podium, I'm sure that they'll live happily ever after. Right?

Or not. I guess it doesn't matter much. If they're happy, fine. If not, it's their own damned faults, and I'm not taking any credit or blame. Actually, maybe I'll take credit. I always take credit, come to think of it.

And let's not even get started on my brilliant decision to spare Loghain! Apparently he's going to become the Grey Warden recruitment officer in Ferelden. Is that perfect or what? I mean, I sure as hell didn't want to do the job, so I'm delighted that he's up for it. And with him around, even that stupid, mangy Dog looks happy.

So all in all, I did a great job. A marvelous job! A ridiculously awesome job. Would any other Warden have done half as well? I think not.

Ferelden is lucky to have me.

Neria

Dear Diary,

OMG! Anora is willing to let me have another boon, even after my request to be allowed to kill Arl Eamon and not be prosecuted. I love her so much!

I was considering asking her for all sorts of naughty little things, but I am in public, and I am not sure how she would react. I'll ask her as soon as I get her alone.

So instead I asked for the tower to be freed. Anora said that it would be conditionally freed, but that if it looked as though we were causing too much trouble, that she might let the chantry have it again. Hmmm...fair enough. As much as I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when the dozen or so remaining mages get to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with whomever they want, I am also thinking that half the fun of tower sex was in hiding from and taunting the templars, so if they were gone permanently, it might lose a lot of its appeal.

She also gave me the Arling of Amaranthine. Which is ridiculously awesome. I am now an Arlessa! Which actually sounds kind of cooler than "Queen", so I'm pretty excited. Hah! I'm finally royalty! In your face, rest of nobles in Ferelden! I'm totally going to lord this over all of the banns at the next possible opportunity. Hah, Teagan, you will too kneel before me! As I outrank you. Bet you wish that you'd slept with me now.

Nyah, nyah, nyah.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I'm trying to figure out my plans now that I'm the Arlessa of Amaranthine and the Hero of Ferelden and a lot of other big, exciting things. Anora asked me if I wanted to stay at court, and winked at me a few times, but I'm really thinking that I'd rather travel. I'm not the sort of person to stay in one place for too long.

Although, wherever I go, I'm totally taking Loghain with me.

Neria

P.S: I wonder if I should ask Anora to keep the dog?

_Yes, yes, there is still the epilogue! __ Thanks to: ArtemysFayr, bioncafemme, Crazy4DA, Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! _


	35. Epilogue

Epilogue

Cailan's body was found when Neria, Loghain, and that stupid mangy dog returned to Ostagar. Despite Neria's pleas to leave the body where they found it, Loghain removed it and fed it to the wolves. One of whom bore a shocking resemblance to Morrigan.

Morrigan vanished past the Frostback mountains, without even leaving a forwarding address. This very much distressed Anora, who really wanted to meet her younger brother or sister.

Sten eventually returned home. He did not have his sword. He was sad. And was sometimes laughed at. Late at night, he sometimes cried.

Wynne's spirit regularly disapproved of Neria's actions. She tried very hard to nag at her from beyond the grave, yet failed despite her inspired efforts.

Cullen only came to Anora's re-coronation as a way of keeping an eye on Neria and possibly finding a way to get in his penance. He then went mad after the mages were freed and were allowed to do exactly what they wanted with each other or anyone foolish enough to enter their tower. After being forced to serve as Neria's personal slave for three solid days, he went mad, killed several apprentices, and escaped. It is said that he roams the land to this day, enforcing Neria's penance on anyone who reminds Cullen of the Hero of Ferelden.

Greagoir retired not long after the blight ended and established a nice memorial to Wynne with his BFF, Irving. For some reason, he appointed Cullen as his successor, perhaps because he was under the impression that a man who had been psychologically broken by two weeks of torment by desire demons was a good candidate for a highly stressful position.

Goldanna continued to live in squalor, despite that her younger half-brother was now king. She resented him greatly for it, particularly after she had to sell her oldest daughter to a brothel in order to feed her other four children. She also found the royal wedding write up to be depressing, as Alistair just wore Cailan's old armor, and Anora kept wearing that same stupid dress.

Shale was never reactivated. To this day, she pleads with people to download the DLC. After all, it came with the game and is free!

Isolde died. Which may be just as well, considering what happened to her beloved son.

Leliana killed many darkspawn, wrote wonderful epic poetry, and eventually found a woman who appreciated shoes as much as she does. They lived together happily until they were both old and had horrible bunions from the high heels. She was sad that she never got the chance to take Morrigan shopping in Orlais.

Teagan eventually married Kaitlyn. Or Bella. Or maybe both. He also gave Alfstanna lots to gossip about at the Gnawed Noble Tavern.

Branka continued her golem experiments, and eventually found new and even more creative ways of creating them. She also worked tirelessly to advance the position of women in the smith class. Prior to her, only 20% of working smiths were female, while now, due to her influence, 40% are!

Oghren continued to drink. Even darkspawn blood. He got a little out of control, but kind of settled down once he married someone less demanding than Branka.

Zathrian died, as did most Dalish elves. No one is that sorry about their deaths, other than Velanna.

Zevran avoided the temptation to help people get a clear shot at Neria during her victory parade and eventually returned to Antiva. There he realized that most Crows were kind, loving sorts, and that maybe he had judged them too harshly. He also felt very, very sorry for killing Talesin, who in retrospect, he loved almost as much as Rinna. In fact, memories of Rinna faded as he returned to Antiva and suddenly found himself far less fascinated by pretty elven maidens with a penchant for murder.

Anora and Alistair presided over a golden age. People loved them, mostly because they were pretty and blonde. Also, unlike Maric, Alistair never ran off to quest rather than run the country and never impregnated any elves or serving girls, which in the eyes of the country, made him a great king. The two rebuilt Ferelden and seemed to tolerate each other fairly well. Plus, with Anora's guidance, Alistair never again showed up at an important event naked, which made him a much better ruler than Cailan ever was. Alistair took great pride in the health and well being of his family, while Anora joyfully rebuilt Ferelden, developed trade, and eventually established the university of her dreams. The existence of Theirin offspring unfortunately made her unable to found a constitutional republic, which depresses her to this day, and makes her wonder why she didn't just use birth control. All the same, both Alistair and Anora were fairly contented with their lives, and realized that while it was hardly a match made in heaven, both could have done much worse.

Ser Cauthrien eventually confronted Loghain over his desire to talk to Neria. When she learned that he truly only wanted to talk, she forgave him. And continues in her quest to convince Ferelden women to pursue non-traditional-feminine-occupations.

Howe died. This made his children very sad, especially Nathaniel, who was hoping for a shot with Anora if Howe and Loghin succeeded.

Dog followed Loghain around until the end of his days, giving the best of his dog love to the man he decided to imprint upon. He also fathered many splendid puppies.

Loghain was sent to Orlais, which he hated, despite that it got him away from Neria. Luckily, Neria abandoned her post at Amaranthine after two years, at which point he was called back to help out. He was delighted, as Amaranthine was close enough to Denerim that he could regularly visit his grandchildren and micro-manage his daughter's life. Eventually he and Alistair became OK about spending holiday dinners together, although he had to admit that he would have far preferred Nathaniel Howe as a son-in-law.

Eamon died in a horrible tragedy. Most observers thought that a wild animal must have killed him, considering how badly torn apart his body was. Although no one could figure out how a wild cat had gotten into his estate at Denerim. Or what kind of wild animal would have left little footprints in blood about his room. Or what sort would have written, "In your face, Arl Eamon! I am ridiculously awesome!" on the walls of the room he died in in what appeared to be his blood. Many pressed the queen to investigate, but she insisted that the Arl's death was due to natural causes.

And as for Neria? Well, Neria continued to travel and to use her status as the hero of Ferelden to score free drinks in bars and to pick up the cutest people she encounters. She is very happy, and continues to be ridiculously awesome.

_So we've reached the end! At least of this fic._

_As you may have noticed, there will be others. Some funny (i.e. 95% of my kink meme fills), some will be less funny (i.e. challenge fics and that last 5% of kink meme fill). Feel free to check them out if so inclined. I'll probably also eventually reclaim my senses and write original fic again. The current piece (aka demon at a sci-fi convention), is fairly goofy. If you're interested in reading it/betaing it/just seeing what weirdness I can come up with, feel free to PM me._

_On a completely and totally unrelated note, thank you all for your support and encouragement. If when I started this insane and hare-brained project, someone had told me that I would write 50K words on a nymphomaniac, psychopathic Grey Warden, I would have laughed. I would have laughed even harder at the idea that this fic would merit nearly 400 reviews. Like, that totally shocks me. Even more than that I stuck with this for so long._

_So I want to thank all of my reviewers yet again. You're the reason that I didn't just give up somewhere around Lothering and decide that this really was a joke that only I was getting. So thank you. Thank you again. You have my sincerest and most heartfelt thanks. (And, no, I really am not being snarky there!) Thanks again to: whiteriversnake, __ArtemysFayr, bioncafemme, Crazy4DA, Jormund, thecrazinessinme, ElaineMc, shootingstar, gaj, kulyok, Lyna, Rivman, alrock, Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Prisoner, Nowshin, ginganinja, scampermax, Lollytron, starowner, demonicnargles, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, Jessica, demonsshade, papillon, Holly, Lehni, Interesting, Meiran, Boredinclass, Golden Echo, Yashiro, Nithu and roxfox! _


End file.
